On a Positive Note

Today, yes.

I got to sleep in, which never happens. I did wake up before the alarm, of course but fell back asleep. My hubby went and took care of kids and things. I think I got an extra 1/2 hour. It doesn't sound like much, but you all know what I mean.

I saw my therapist today. Always a good/bad thing..good in that it helps. Bad in that it scares me, talking about crap that nobody should have gone through in the first place. When I leave he tells me I will have a headache..yep. I still do. As far as headaches go, it is pretty minor. I also feel 100 lbs lighter mentally, I got to unload a lot of garbage. That part feels so good. The mood has made me up-beat and positive, my favorite state of being. Not much has phased this. I can smile here.

My hubby will be leaving in the morning.*sigh. I am hoping some of this calm contentment spills over. I am getting back on track. Walking, riding my bike, eating healthier..getting things cleaned and organized. Trying not to trip out on stuff I can't control. Not letting my obsessions rule me. One small step at a time..I smile again.

I am not going to write much more tonight. I need sleep and the headache is staring to win. But, yes..finding the help I have needed for so long. Whew! Indescribable.

This is just the start, and I am not going to overwhelm myself. My level, talking with my friends past and present today..and remembering a lot of good memories of childhood. Cindy, Kaye, Gina...not even out of 1st grade yet so don't be upset if I didn't mention your name. I have always been blessed with great friends. Helped me through so many things, and kept me going. Even when they didn't know it.

The next level is hmm..harder for me. Making friends in the here and now. Face book is easy with that, reality outside the front door..still working on a plan for that. Which kind of means I really don't have a clue, yet. LOL.

good night, thanks for listening and TTYAL..

I Stumble and I Fall

So what happens when we fall..or fail? I have done so before, I am sure I will do it again. My mind is still not all there yet. I am losing the fight today. Gladly, happily giving in to every base desire, so I can no longer think. Up the meds a bit and say shite to it all. That I know better is whatever. Hell with the consequences, tomorrow is another day. The scripture for this one was "eat, drink and be merry..for tomorrow we shall die." My dad was fond of pointing out the sinners in this one. It always irked me. It is true after all.

The problem with it.. being fat, drunk, and happy doesn't last long together. It would be better to have died right away. This post will piss people off..sorry.

I don't blame my folks for the way I turned out. It would have been nice to have a sweeter story, but all-in-all it has made me who I am.  There are people who had it way worse than me. I am still envious of posts of people who miss their folks who have passed on. My parents are alive, and I don't miss them. I do love them, and they me, but I find them very "negative". They usually make me sad. So I do the adult thing, and avoid them..lol.

I was at my thinnest when I partied all the time, mostly pot and alcohol. I also worked 2 jobs, UPS and Denny's, and went to school. I ate constantly, because I worked it off. I was down to 125-130 lbs. *sigh. and was still heavier than all my friends. I have been overweight all my life. In American culture this puts you in a "leper" class all by yourself. I have watched America eat for 20 odd years..the thinnest people sometimes eat the most garbage you have ever seen and don't exercise at all.. Some heavy people are the same way. Some people work very hard at staying thin for whatever reason, they eat small portions of healthy foods and exercise diligently. Some people were very heavy, and work extra extra hard to keep off the pounds. We were built to withstand famines...so if it is the end of the world, and food gets scarce? Sorry, skinny people..adios.

If you have never been fat, and I say not 10 lbs overweight but minimum 20+ or so for a girl and 30+ or more for a guy..shut the hell up. You don't have an effing clue. Double standards, it was OK to screw a fat chick, but not date one or even admit you had sex.

Tonight, I drank some schnapps, upped my meds, a few other things and am now slightly buzzed and a bit stupid. It doesn't matter today, tomorrow always seem to come. I'll be hung over and tired, as always anyway. Not a big deal..no levels today as I am dredging down in the bottoms. I'll snap out of it in a day or two. My apologies.

 I am also not suicidal ..my one and only true attempt was at Utah Tech, I took a whole bottle of extra strength Tylenol, almost 500 pills (took forever)..I got very dizzy and passed out a lot. My one friend made me promise to never try to kill myself again. That he would never ever "forgive" me. Thanks Neil Jones, wherever you are? It has been almost 29 years now. Miss you, my friend, always, even though I think  of "offing" myself daily at least once, usually as a joke. The consequences, never saw a doc, only 2 people ever knew and my old roomie was pissed that her brand-new bottle of Tylenol was missing.

I have done stupid things, not caring whether I lived or died. I also did other things that took a bit of my soul and and returned it stained and damaged. My problem(?) with this now is I haven't found anyone to replace me yet. For my kids, my hubby..it has to be a true accident. Death is easy for the dead, it is hard on the living.

It balances out sometimes. Today is another day. The sun is shining, my hubby is home. I have errands to run and the agony/ecstasy part of my life will be on hold till later tonight. I will wear something sleazy for my hubby today..which is fun. I'll make dinner, cut hair, do chores..and wish for things I can never have and will never be. I'll try to prevent things from going down paths that I know are wrong. God doesn't give me the answers to this...or if he is I am not listening right.

TTYAL..thanks for listening. Thanks to all my special friends out there who I talk to...you have no idea how much each and everyone of you means to me.

"I Don't Like Monday's"

I am proud of myself today, to a certain point. Always have to have those qualifiers...it's okay. LOL, I am thinking it is what makes me interesting. I dropped my brother off at the airport today. I am going to miss him. It was a visit that was 20 years past due. He is and always was amazing. Geoff is the oldest and I am the youngest, though my mom miscarried at one time. Gordon or George would have been my younger brother. I wish, and then again, no. He didn't even get a chance to breathe, but ended up in a better place.

The proud part was that I am getting very good at navigating the Arizona freeway system. For someone who has no sense of direction and a fuzzy brain this is a major bonus. Yey! I only had one panic attack last night on a ramp. Damn vertigo! It makes no sense, my fear of heights, bridges, curvy roads. It features in my dreams quite often. I am driving on a road that leads up and up and up..then I am on the top looking down. Sometimes there are bridges, usually there are more windy roads that loop around. I suppose there may be a choice, but the fear wakes me up. Aaargh!

In real life, the fear is even stronger. It hits me..at the most inopportune times. It makes me feel a bit trapped here knowing I can't drive through mountains. I've tried..so not good. I am disgusted with this, even though I try to give myself a break. How many phobia's can one person have? My favorite author in one of his books pointed out that those who have been "mind-raped" suffer with irrational fears, phobia's, etc. that may never go away. LOL, since he is a "fictional" writer I am hoping for better.

Completely off topic, to my friend and fellow SA and Fb addict, I am sorry. What I said to you was wrong. I know it, you know it. I am not a counselor. I am in the same boat, sorry, I rocked it. I am glad you are doing better with FB, and hope you are doing better with other things as well. We are what we are..but we can get better. I do miss chatting with you. Whew! My brother wasn't even phased by any of my addictions or any other shocking revelations. The fact that I am non-political and have only voted once..LOL. I am very glad he is still speaking to me.

My hubby comes home tomorrow. YES!

Other things..my car is still smoke-free. (*sigh) This has been a major challenge for me. I know I missed my quit day. I am a big squawky chicken. I have another plan, but am not ready to share it yet.

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength"

This was posted by a friend of mine, who can be very wise for someone so young. LOL..he said he never had a stalker before. No, I am being good. It does hurt, this fight. But I have won before. I am trying to break free of all the habits and fears that have me trapped. One step at a time..

My level..what is yours? What are your fears and how do you face them? How do you help other's with theirs? These are just questions..there are no right or wrong answers. I would be the last person to judge...as in not my job, desire, or life-purpose.

"tell me why? I don't like Mondays..." It is a song by the Boomtown Rats that was inspired by a girl  who
went on a shooting spree.. at the school across the street. This makes me cry inside. More fuel I guess...the world CAN be a better place. I have to believe that. I still love Monday's.

The desert is a dessert..extra special with zero calories.

There is just no reason for me to be so down today. None. Mark, the hubby left this morning and has just made it to his hotel. I only slept about three hours last night..so I ended up taking a nap. So okay that 1 for the negative column and 1 for the positive. I am inspired by my friend Genny who has rheumatoid arthritis, always have been. I recommend her blog too. It is on my reading list.

This is what I started writing yesterday. The down side pretty much won the rest of the day. It is hard to explain the feeling. I talk about a dark hole, because even if the sun is shining..you find a way to make it a downer. Good things you can latch on to are to put your own misery in high focus.

Now my brother is visiting. It is awesome in so many ways. My bro has had his share of problems. But he is doing better than ok, now. I haven't seen him in about 4 or 5 years for just a couple of hours. Before that, It was 20 years..with no connection at all. Our family was a bit dysfunctional. LOL.

I guess I should say Day 3. I am going to post this tonight. Today we went for a drive over to Superstition Mountain and went hiking. Incredible! My knee after an excruciating sit-down, felt 90% better than it has in weeks. I managed to huff and puff it up and back, we went about 4 miles today. Go figure, it needed exercise  I have a sun-burned face, of course.

I am enjoying time with my brother so much. Answers to different memories, a connection that can never be broken. It is amazing to see the relationship with him and my daughter blossom. They both have Asperger's, my brother's patience with her is incredible. It makes me smile inside.

The depression has lifted and now I am plagued with desires...a curse and a blessing. Whew! It is hard to not dwell and make things worse. The more you try not to think about something, the more you do. My fortune cookie yesterday " a smart person is the one who knows when to ask for help" I have friends/family that help me so much. But when it comes down to it, it is just me and how I deal.

Tonight I use meditation and letting "my God " flow through me like a river. Tonight it is what works and I know I can make it to the other side of this. To anyone who is not an addict this probably will not make a whole lot of sense. For me, it is my level..one I hope to improve upon. The day when my obsessions and desires stay muted as maybe a passing urge and not an all-encompassing insane hunger.

For a level, I suggest taking a walk, hog, jog and seeing the beauty of the world. 

thanks for listening TTYAL..:-)

Wakey! Wakey!

It has been a busy week for me. My girlfriend coming to visit, wow! She opened my eyes wide as good friends do. I have known her for 20 some years. She has had more than her fair share of ups and downs..and always manages to rise to the top. Eventually, however..she keeps going and gets better and better. When she looks at me and says..WTFH! You were the one who taught me that...

OMG! Thank you, my friend for now and always. You have my love forever, and a "home" to come back to. I am glad this universe and timeline are where we met and became friends.  I hope you are crying now..lol. I am.

I have another friend who writes a blog about drug/alcohol addiction and recovery, I do recommend it for anyone who has struggled with this personally or loves someone who does or has. This means just about the whole planet should read it. It is on my reading list, thanks Tommy!

I do not agree with everything he says or does. I don't agree with everything my girlfriend says or does either. Hell, I don't always agree with everything I say or do either. LOL, that is just another reason I owe them, when they point out the obvious to the oblivious. That would be me at times.

The fight I am fighting here isn't just about saving me from my own obsessions or finding a true path. I am saving my family too. That includes my incredibly gifted troubled daughter, my sunshine/darkness son, and my hubby. The fact that they have to save themselves or want to doesn't prevent me from being a catalyst. I am the "mom" for my kids and the "wife" to my husband. I can't pretend the past three years of torture for all of us haven't happened. But, one day at a time...mental health, stability..keeping it together and moving it up a notch. We, me..I can do way better than this...falling apart isn't an acceptable option.

The next level is for you(the universal you) to open your eyes and see as truly as you can. The answers are there inside you and all around you. You need to take care of yourself, your family, your friends and they will give it back to you exponentially. Being strong and while even being afraid, going ahead and meeting your challenges anyway you can. Enjoying each day, learning, loving and forgiving yourself for the fact that life is absurd..but this is the only one I know that we have for sure. LOL

Thanks for listening. TTYAL Good night and better tomorrows for you all.

tying your own shoelaces

My son Max, didn't learn how to tie his own shoes till he was almost 9 or so. Renee did a little better, I think she was 6 or 7. I showed them how. I helped them over and over again. I had a book, with practise laces and a video. But they just couldn't seem to "get" it. The problem? Once they started getting frustrated and angry, I couldn't help them anymore. I had to walk away.

I asked other parents, my sister-in-law had  taught all 3 of hers at the time. She told me their K-4 teacher spent the first month of school on it. The teacher insisted it was worth it. The kids that knew got a chance to teach the kids that didn't. This also saved her from an entire year of tying shoes. I have to agree, so much important than learning to color in the lines. Renee finally "learned" from those very same cousins.

My husband tried also. Since he tied differently then me, it confused both kids even more. Other adults, kids, total strangers helped Max tie his shoes at one point or another. They would also try to explain. No-go. It wasn't from his lack of trying either.

I gave up! I bought him slip-ons, velcro tabs, zippers, even wire laces that you just twisted together.

I could never remember the little mantra about the rabbit and the hole. I had never heard that till I was much older.  I was 4 or 5 and was informed that I wouldn't be allowed to go to school till I learned. I so wanted to learn. I was the youngest. I dreamed about going to school. My dad explained it and showed me, then I got to try. I don't know how long it took me. It seemed like hours and hours at the time. He hit me until I got it right. I did finally "get" it in just one sunny afternoon.

My son finally "got" it. It took him years. Thanks to a wonderful sitter named Ian and Max, himself. I wasn't in any hurry..and it was one of the proudest moments of both our lives. "MOM, MOM... look, look.. I DID it. I DID it all by myself!" It was hugs, kisses and tears for me. "I knew you could, baby I knew you could."

There is all sorts of ways to learn things...easy, hard, painful, fast, slow. What and how are you teaching? What have you learned today? What is your level? Where do you want it to be?

Thanks for reading..TTYAL.

fate and friends

I forget about the time change..AZ doesn't do it..now so many of my FB friends are 2 hours ahead of me. My girlfriend is visiting. I have so missed her. We always just pick off where we left and go with it. My hubby is home as well. Hanging around chit-chatting with 2 smoker's, I smoked more today than all week. My quit day tomorrow is not looking promising. 

I had a very good moment with my daughter, she was having a bad meltdown. I am so glad I could be there for her. I am amazed that she opened up to me, it has been a long time since she has truly talked to me. I held her and we cried while I told her how much I love her. This therapy is what she has needed for so long. Mine too, 40 years past due..:-)

My friend doesn't think her life is all that interesting. I always found it fascinating. Of course it goes around both ways, I think my life is so dull right now. I guess not. lol

I am finally getting sleepy enough to ignore my body's aches and pains and get some sleep. I will be up at 6 or sooner again tomorrow.

I have friends going through so much. One was so horrific, other's way less so. Death when it comes to an older person fills me with grief, but also a sense of peace. Death of a soul is so much sadder, the people who have withered and died inside.

I haven't said much today, too tired. Prayers for you all that you find your own way. That you look for the sidestep and or next level and take it.

My fortune cookie..Deviate not from the path which fate has assigned you

LOLOL...too funny. TTYAL love peace and finding your fate.