Peace my Friend

"Peace, it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, or trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of all those things and still be calm in your heart"..unknown.

It is 5AM...
I am not so sad that I couldn't sleep anymore. I love this time in the morning. I am sitting on my couch, feet up with a fresh brewed cup of coffee in one of my favorite black mugs in easy reach. I have a very warm sleepy puppy curled up next to me and a extra soft blanket that keeps the heat of my lap-top from being too intense. It isn't quiet, I can hear the hum of the pool filter motor  outside and the whir/thump of the clothes dryer upstairs. The house heater kicks on with forced air circulating and the coffee pot makes an occasional blurp/click. Ambient noise..I find it soothing.

This is when I feel peace, when I can shut out my troubles and worries and just be. It gives me that inner calm that I need for this moment. It is better than sleep, better than sex, better than any drug. I am at one with me..lol.. and feeling optimistic.. I can add the whole world and the universe. Universal peace..I think has occurred more often than we think, maybe only for a second or two..a small heartbeat. Not where everyone has found their inner core, but a small flash.. we are ok...and it hits every single person and living creature.

It doesn't last, of course..reality. I am getting hungry now, and somewhere across the globe somebody is dying from that same need. I am glad that I have food in my cupboards and fridge, and wish somehow that I could share it..but, not sure whether it is being realistic, selfish, maybe pragmatic..it isn't my problem. I've got mine for now, sorry world.

I also am craving a smoke, lol..addicts(*sigh) plus a re-fill of joe and a pee break..and to stretch out and walk around. Do hate to disturb the puppy..he makes complainy noises when I move him and then steals my seat. ahh..much better.

I have been told I am brave for writing this...lol. Thanks for the compliment, but it isn't quite being courageous. It is a feeling that is a cross between purging and making love. Emotions tend to rule an addict, from highs to lows, passion/despair. I was also told that I am loved. I am, what a beautiful feeling and I don't tend to doubt it very often. Self-love and respect is the harder goal, something I have  had to fight for to retain and develop. I think everyone has their own journey with this.

Today, I have decided it is get rid of clutter day..small scheduled bits of time to rid my house and soul of garbage that I just don't use..or want anymore. Will I end up throwing away something I needed or could have been useful? Yep..without a doubt..but the purge itself will outbalance that, lightening the load and giving peace a chance to find room in my heart and soul.

Taking this to the next level, I need my pain, my emotions, my self-doubts as does everybody. There is a physical condition where you can't feel physical pain. The tv show House did a major episode on it, it is a horrifying way to live. There is also a condition where you can't feel emotions either in yourself or from others, "psychopath" ring any bells? Beyond scary stuff..and self-doubts? We have all met the jack-ass(es) who just know they have all the answers for everything..LOL. Love to hate them..as they make it so easy.

I am who I am, still working on it. I think I will always have more questions than answers. My solutions may or may not work for you even if you wanted to try them. I am the sanest crazy person I know..and really "crazy" people scare the bejesus out of me. I am an addict, and will do my best to help others find peace, but also know that so many 'users' can not be trusted or believed. I am a mother, a wife, a woman, a friend, and a survivor so far..lolol or I wouldn't be writing this.

 Thanks for listening..ttyal. Comments are always welcome..;-)

With a Grain of Salt..

When I start these I really don't quite know what direction I'll be ending up in..much like my driving sense or my life for very many years. One bonus to getting older is learning what not to do, either because you have already done it or you saw someone else choke and burn. Experience is the greatest of all teachers.(pretty sure that's a quote from someone)

I had a life-changing experience about 4 weeks ago...wasn't expecting it, for sure wasn't asking for it..at least I didn't think so. LOL, the subconscious  is a "tricksy" kind of place, and mine seems to keep throwing out more loops then I think it really needs to. But then again, what do I know? ;-)

Found out I was an addict, and not just any kind of addict..a "sex" addict. Ewww...the worst sort and I couldn't deny it, even as my soul shriveled up in a tight litttle ball and cried. WTF! My whole life view and image of myself turned upside down and backwards, inside out. My mind, body and spirit started cracking. I did find help..a lot here from this person, a bit there from another, a whole lot there from a stranger who became a friend, a bit more there, etc..forever grateful for every single one.

I also, being brave and/or stupid  ripped open some of my past memories to face some of my inner demons. Too much? can't say for sure.. My mind imploded..sanity?? lolol..um.. no. With all of this came a flood of emotions, knowledge, physicality, and the full-force of all my previous desires, in a crazy mix of self-hate, despair, longing, and God knows all. Holy Hell..

Here comes the grain of salt, I am still here and getting back together piece by piece...and have found resources and guidance that were never available to me before..:-) I have skated the edge of sanity all my life, sometimes way too much one way or the other. Now, I am finding a better balance and even better answers. There is a few medical mysteries in this puzzle, and a whole lot of other things as well. There is no "magic cure or instant success" story here..BUT..compared to so many..I am so damn lucky...and alive and healthy to write about it.

These weeks have taught me again the importance of true friends and family, the fragility of life, humility, and just how endless my love for my 'strange children' is and my husband, Mark...and that there is hope for all of us each and every day.

Now I just need a paying job so I can afford my therapist...LOL..but so true.

"Circumstances don't make you. They reveal you. How you respond to the life God offers you is what makes you. **quote** from messages from God..."

Have a great day, make someone smile or laugh, hold a hand for someone who cries..truly listen to another human being without judgement, share the beauty around you.. and you are already working on your next level. Thanks for listening.

Can't Sleep, Might as well write something..

I read a lot, writing is way harder. Tonight, is harder yet. I am lonely..not an unusual emotion for me...been a way of life almost. It should make it easier to deal with as I am so used to it...sometimes. Right now, whew! big breath of air out..no. I miss my husband, who works so far away and doesn't come home but for a short limited time. I hate it.

I have become a Face book addict. Yep, one of those..lol. I truly love my Face book friends and their ups-and -downs and laughter, games. How they face life..and death, betrayal and heartbreak, disappointment and success..they never cease to amaze and inspire me. I always pray for the best for all of them. Yes, even the ones that bother me..lol.

I had a friend block me, and then his friend too. It wasn't the first time I have been blocked. It wasn't even the first time this particular friend blocked me. It makes it even crazier that I agreed it was probably a good thing. It still hurts, and I think it always will. Maybe not as raw and sharp as it does now, but yeah..owie,owie, owie. Still can't talk about all the whys and how's and much of anything about that. It is still too painfully personal..and, yet, I sit here and feel like one of my best friends has died. It was an illusion on my part, a connection I tried to force. Because I wanted the friendship so badly, and "effed" it up at every opportunity. Oh God, "What fool's we mortals be"..a little misquote from the bard.

I am tired enough now that I can go crash..and maybe get more than a couple of hours..ttyal whoever you are and whoever might read this..Good night..the dawn will seem much brighter....from the beginning, for any new reader(s)