Where do the Children Play?

I don't want to write anything. I know that I am not doing well. I don't like admitting it. I really don't like feeling it.

 I want to get up and dance. I want to go places and see things. I want to feel sexy, vibrant and beautiful and charge the world around me with my glow. I want to meet people to talk and listen to, people who are brilliant. I want to wear fun clothes and go shop, and not really worry how I look.

All I feel lately is pain.

My body hurts every day, every moment in so many ways. I feel bloated, chubby and exhausted. I can't sleep except in the afternoon for a couple of hours. I have dreams, some are horrific and others are incredible. I forget them as soon as I wake up, all that is left is the lingering emotions.

I have lists and lists of things to do, I see it all piling up around me. I can't move. I feel stuck. Frozen in place, but broiling. I am hot/cold, shaky, nauseated and then starving. Nothing tastes or smells right, I am so out of sync. I have been physically ill, vomiting, diarrhea, headaches, rashes. WTF??

I realize I am crabby. I know it. The people that are nearest and dearest, my kids get the worst of it. They annoy the hell out of me. They always seem to want, want, want, or whine, whine, whine and then don't want to do anything about it. OR, pick a reaction that is idiotic and senseless.

 My daughter's depression irks me. I want her to snap out of it. I want her to be more normal, enjoy life. She is so young and could have so much that she is missing right now. My son worries me with his anger and mean streak. He can be so brutal.

My hubby comes home for a visit again, tomorrow night. I am happy but the sadness overrides it. That is one of the problems, he doesn't live here anymore. He hasn't for a very long time. Even when he is here or when we were more together he wasn't really here much either. It is hard to explain. I love him, I love my kids. Love isn't the problem.

I don't know what to do anymore. I will make it through this, I will. But why?

Why do I get so wound up and frazzled up like this?

I wish I knew, but then again I don't. I don't want to know anymore. Will I publish this? Perhaps.

I know my daughter can't "snap" out of it anymore then I can. She has her good and bad moments as do I. I keep telling myself that tomorrow is another day, another chance to "do".

I will try to go sleep and will see another day. Tomorrow.

Thanks for listening as always. TTYAL.

..and it makes me feel good!

A couple of nights ago, I was outside in my backyard looking at the stars. I love the Arizona sky. It was a "perfect"  moment, the stars, the cool wind and the spicy scent of some desert plant that I don't know the name of. The day was a good one that ended well. I just can't sleep.

I found out I was allergic to the toothpaste I was using. That was why my mouth was hurting. My lips were very chapped so I put chapstick on them. Big mistake, my whole upper lip broke out in painful itchy welts that bleed. It has been almost two weeks now, and it is finally healing. I can't use any soap products on my face. I have been brushing my teeth with baking soda and hydrogen peroxide. I loathe my super-sensitive skin.

Whatever I am not allergic to or don't react to my daughter does. Just kidding. I do think me and her have more than our fair share. At least we don't have anything life-threatening like peanuts or bee stings. That would be terrifying. We just end up sneezing, rashy, and/or miserable.

My hubby came home last night. I am very happy and excited, as always. I had been throwing up, migraine, sneezing, sleeping for two days. ugh. I am starting to feel better. I am so sick of being sick.

Right now, I am thinking about loss and isolation. The words of a friend bothered me. I am not trying to figure out my own answers to everything. I am not that kind of smart. I don't think anyone is. I am always trying to analyze me and where I fit in. I can't help that, and it isn't something bad. It is just the way I am. I see patterns in everything, connections..some are random and don't mean anything, others are amazing, terrifying, beautiful. It all inner-connects.


Trying to connect-the-dots and explain it to others is harder. I am scared about my upcoming move, terrified for my daughter the most, me, my son, the dog, and my husband. Our last move didn't turn out very well. I don't want to stay here for another summer, either. Hell does not even begin to describe it. I am still debating what direction I should be taking. For now, I have been biding my time, hanging onto my sanity. I have been retrieving bits and pieces and am starting to feel less shattered. I shudder at how much worse it could have been.

I am thankful for what I have, but realize this isn't all I want or need. This isn't a bad thing either.

For now, just trying to "keep my cool" and not go off the deep end. I smile because I do love to dive. Metaphorically, I can't now. I have enough deep water to tread through.

I am not sure if and when what (swear words) doctor I will be seeing next. I know I can't remain this uncomfortable for too much longer. It is getting worse again, not better.

I am trying to find my music again, it is playing, but I am just not getting the message. I am not sure if it is because I am going the wrong way or maybe I am just not supposed to know right now.

Clarity would be good. I hate seeing everything all jumbled and dizzy. I think that is where some of my nausea has been coming from.

Levels, my level lately has been basic survival, just making it through the day and night. I can do better, I hope you all can too. Thanks for listening as always, with love. TTYL.

The song "I am walking on sunshine, ...and it feels good!" is playing through my head. Yes.

this picture is not my property and may be subject to copyright.

Turn, turn, turn..

I feel so frustrated, again. Trapped under glass, so I can see freedom but not have it. I am. *sigh.

I know I am spoiled. I would really rather work for a living. The job that I have of watching the kids and taking care of the house, I would have anyway. If I had a job, I would get paid and maybe meet and see people. Adult people.

I haven't found a job for multiple reasons. I applied for a server's job at the new Denny's they built. They never called me back. I worked for Denny's for a very long time. I can think of reasons why I wasn't even contacted, none of them are particularly good for my self-esteem. There isn't a whole lot of businesses here. I could work retail and make piss money, that the government will take for student loans plus a portion of my husband's income. I could work at other restaurants, but they would need week-ends and nights. I don't have anyone to watch my kids and wouldn't be making enough to pay them if I did.

I still have three hernias, carpal tunnel, and heel spurs..my body wouldn't handle factory work. I have also been there, done that. I don't want to anymore.

It hit me hard the other day when I stopped for lunch at a popular restaurant. There were at least five different groups of women, friends, meeting, talking. I felt strange, not because I was alone with a book. It was the hot hot flame of jealousy and envy that washed over me. They were all youngish, maybe 30 at the most, attractive and dressed nice. I got in my hot sun-drenched car and drove away. There was traffic everywhere, it being the middle of the afternoon.

How can there be so many people in the world and I am still by myself, mostly?

I admit that I am angry. I am mad at myself, mad at my kids, puppy and hubby. I want to scream, yell, cuss and kick things. I don't. I have done it before, it really doesn't help. I am crabby and irritated. The Arizonian desert has decided to heat up again during the day. It still isn't really heating my pool much yet. there is a lot of cold water in there. See what I mean by spoiled? I am whining that I can't go swim. I know people are starving, dying, being persecuted for all different reasons. That isn't my world.

That sounds harsh, but it is true. I am from middle-class white America. It is a wide spectrum, I have also witnessed the lower classes in all its different colors. There is a rising middle and select upper class of brown, black, red and mixed. That is one of the pluses of the US and why the world comes to our doors, knocking. (or sneaking in) If I have insulted anyone with my terms, I am somewhat sorry. I'll explain that more at some other time. The upper classes and the upper upper very privileged classes I can and have seen at times. It is not my world either.

I am going to finish making dinner for my kids, clean up my laundry a little and then go for a drive. I may end up grocery shopping or doing coupons. I am on a tight budget. That my budget would feed a starving village in some 3rd world country doesn't help me here. To just maintain where we live there are costs and bills. The economic downturn has made this more difficult. It would also be awesome if I could stay out of the hospital, doctors or dentist office. Even with insurance, this is very costly for a family of four, insurance and medical expenses are insane.

I love my kids, but they drive me nuts. I have heard other developed countries have better child-care and support. I wish. Unless they are at school or possibly at a friends house, I have my children 24-7..365 days a year plus one extra day for leap year. Always. They are old enough now that I can leave them unsupervised for some hours without being sent to jail. They won't be old enough to get a possible paying job for at least a couple of more years. The only free place to take them is the parks. There isn't much for them to do there.

ALL OF THE ABOVE is whining. Aaargh.

I did go for a walk today, woo-hoo for me. This was posted on my wall tonight. I don't fear change as much as I fear being stuck in the same old habits and mud-holes for my whole life. I haven't done as much as I have wanted too. the only person that can rectify that is me.

Thanks for listening and being patient with me. I will try to write more often. TTYAL.

Woot?

I wish I could say everything is 100% and I am doing great. Woot! Woot!

Um, no.

I have been feeling like crapola on-and-off for weeks. I have the start of a pretty good headache right now. It may turn into a full-blown migraine. I am nauseated enough, and it is one-sided. I am seeing halos, auras and black floaties, but, I have seen them all my life. I really do not pay it much attention.

It could be a re-bound headache from meds. Ergh, I take way too many pills now. I dislike it. I have started my vitamins again. I still can't handle taking iron supplements. They are so awful. I will not describe the effects of this. I am so tired of being tired. I hate this feeling of exhaustion, it doesn't matter how much sleep or rest I get.

Okay, sorry..this is one of my excuses for not writing. I have a few more. I just hate posting negativity. I don't expect my posts to be full of light and sunshine. I really don't want them all to be gloom and doom, either. Too many posts of wow, I really don't feel good.

I have said this one before, I am not sure where I got it from. I am a hypochondriac, I know this. I also am sick, too. Physically. My mental(emotional) upheavals don't help much, either. I know doctors don't take women's complaints very serious. I have only had a few doctors that have ever believed me. Sad.

My frustration level has not been helping. My kids, the dog, not seeing my hubby, and I don't like the up-in-the-air status of where we are at. I either want to stay or be moved. I spent almost a year waiting to move before. I don't have that kind of patience. I want it to be done already.

I haven't made any specific goals because of where I am right now. I need some. It gives me focus and more serenity. I wish, and am tired of wishing too. I have friends with some severe problems, cancer, different medical conditions, death of loved ones. I extend my love and prayers. It really doesn't feel like enough.

I am going to bed now. G'night world. I can still laugh at myself and know it will be okay again. Soon, I hope. I am not saying it can't be worse because it really can be way worse. I am not sure who's picture and saying this is but I love it. It does make me smile and feel better. My friends help me even farther.

thanks for listening as always, TTYAL. Ciao.

still here for another round.

The other day was my birthday, thanks for the wishes. I share the day with quite a few folks. One of my cousins, one of my Facebook friends, two of my former co-workers daughters, and one of the actors from the old 21 Jumpstreet.. plus, who knows? It is an awesome day to be born. I have always loved birthdays and hope I always will.

I have a lot of folks my age complain about being old or getting old, whatever. Isn't that the point to life? I admit that some things don't work as well as they use too. I would love to have certain aspects of my younger body back. I wouldn't want to have to go back and re-live any of it. What a horrible thought! I had enough problems the first time round. Oh hell, no. Even knowing what I know now, yikes! I think that would make it  even worse. I like to think the choices I have made, whether right or wrong, had a reason to it. This is where and how I am supposed to be.

I could use some tweaking. LOL

I had such a great birthday. It was a beautiful day that I spent with my kids and puppy. I went and got my free grand slam for dinner at Denny's. I had waffles for breakfast and my kids snuck candles in. I had phone calls from friends, relatives and my hubby and a birthday card from my mom-in-law. I had so many well-wishes on FB it was mind-blowing. I thanked as many as I could. I hope I didn't miss any one. It makes you feel so loved. The fun part as compared even to last year wasn't the number of friends but that I knew just about all of them. Some I knew before FB, others after. A lot I wouldn't recognize if I met them in person, but so many I talk to on a regular basis.

The next day was harder, I am back into my computer addiction. I have explained Facebook addiction a bit, solitaire I play to numb my mind. I read on the internet a lot too. I try to do other things. I hate housework, I do dishes, laundry, shopping all those "housewife" things. I take walks and bike rides. My ladies group ended up cancelling again. This is sad, I could have used the interaction. I talked about this with a friend of mine. I get really shaky and upset when I am away from my computer for too long.

When I get back on, whew. The peace just settles in. I can laugh, cry, be myself. I am an addict, but a very weird one I think. My therapist says that I am not as "crazy or messed up" as I think I am. He says most people aren't. I highlight those words as those are my labels. The problem occurs as with all addictions with the intensity of it. I spend most of my waking hours on-line. I have gotten better, but I am still way over. My balance is so off-kilter right now and I know it.

I can't seem to get back to my own program. I am still not smoking, or drinking or using my scripts wrong. I am not doing as good as I want though. Oh, hell..just talking about this is making me nauseated. Unresolved issues. I can laugh here, even though it does make me sad.

I have heard so many people  complaining about non-Americans, race, religion, sex..I don't understand all the hate. We live on a globe, people. We have divvied up the land and wealth available into different continents, countries. In the U.S., there are zones.. we have states and cities and then neighborhoods, so many different cultures and religions and people all divided up or mixed up. There are a lot of other countries that hate us, some with reasons, some without.

I don't know. I don't have any answers to that. Other than on an individual level I think most people would be okay with each other, but then again, maybe not. I have a lot of ex-roomies if I saw again I would shoot first and then apologize. Oops, my bad..not to kill them but to make them hurt and bleed a bit. Yes. You can think badly of me. Some of this I am just over-exaggerating, truthfully? Some of them would be happy to hurt me, too. *Sigh, and I am usually a very nice person, or try to be.


I am not a hippie-flower child asking or promoting free love. I think we all have to find our own inside answers and then go from there. It is a continual process. I learn something every day about myself and the world and my place in it. I have also realized that I can't learn everything and never will. There is too much out there. I was sad or overwhelmed at first with this thought. Not anymore, it is more a comfort. I have limits.

 Whether I am laughing at a joke, or admiring art, or crying over the loss of a friend...it is all here. This is it. We can't go anywhere else, we have to figure out how to get along together, or not. Maybe 2012 is the last year?  Rich, poor, black, brown, white, American, Chinese, Russian, atheist, Buddhist, Islamic, Christian and on and on..however it is decided. America is still the experiment, but isn't the only option available. Communism failed.

I am getting way too serious here, and I am not even sure what my point is. I hate hypocrisy. Be true to who you are. If you aspire to be a jerk, and have succeeded, don't be surprised that you piss people off. If you preach love and responsibility, and think people shouldn't judge you for how you look, then why are you judging others for their skin color, or work ethic or ethnicity. I have to stop now. I think I am being to rant.

I need to get my day started, and go out and soak up some sunshine and good will. If I can't find that from others today, I will make my own and spread it around. Thanks for listening as always.

I am still here for another round, time to say thanks for all I have seen. It is beautiful isn't it?

Stuck in Idle, vroom, vroom..

Have you ever driven a stick-shift car? I learned on one, it wasn't easy. I haven't had to drive one for a large number of years. I think I would still remember, though I probably wouldn't be very smooth. I did have a tendency to "ride the clutch". I hated downshifting, and stopping on hills. Actually starting on hills was more of the problem. I always thought driving in San Francisco would be horrific. I did have real nightmares as a teen about this.

I failed my driver's license the first time, I completely panicked during parallel parking and stalled twice. On the second test, I didn't even try. I offered the textbook instructions verbatim and the examiner accepted it. I still can't parallel park any type of vehicle. My Chicago city friends always thought this was hysterical, especially as I drove an old Volkswagen Beetle compared to their boats. At my kids' school in Wisconsin, I would go around the block and around the block and.. to avoid it. My husband still finds it less than amusing.

I have been in a few fender bender's. At least three of them, I was in reverse, and hit a parked vehicle behind me. It is so not my best talent. I hit my Mom's school bus once, I was mortally embarrassed. I was legally blind then without my glasses or contacts, and have terrible depth perception. My eyesight is 20/20 now thanks to Lasik, but my problems still remain with blind spots, parking, and backing up. I don't think that is going to change. I pray a lot and try to remember to check these things. A couple of my past accidents were under the influence of something, I am now a grown-up.

I have a massive headache right now. I tried starting a 3-day no sugar challenge. I made it until noon and broke down and ate chocolate AND had a soda tonight. I also had my physical therapy for my neck and shoulder. It is so much better. I am still whining. I have so little patience, I want it to be a 100% already. Considering it has been a problem for at least the last six years, I really am expecting too much. I haven't been exercising. No walks, no bike rides for a week, *sigh. I know. It is not going to get better until I make it better.

I feel like I am talking all stilted here and am not sure why? I guess the part that bothers me is now I have met multiple people in person who have actually read this. It makes it different for me. I realized I also hurt a very special lady with the initials (S.C.) with my comments. I feel awful about this. I am thinking of sending her an e-mail of apology. I am hoping she forgives me. I think her, her hubby, friends are all incredible just the way they are.

So many things in my life are on hold right now, waiting. Other things seem to be a very tedious process, daily actions that lead to bigger rewards, but crap. See above, patience is not one of my better qualities. It is hard to change and make it permanent. If it was easier or simpler, nobody would be overweight, or have any addictions. We'd all be so healthy it would be revolting. I am laughing.

Stuck in idle is when you can't seem to get into gear. That is where I have been this past week, not just stuck in mud spinning my wheels. Worse, I am revving up my engine and making big sounds, but I am not going anywhere. I have gone back to playing mammoth computer solitaire. It keeps my mind numb and keeps me off Facebook for awhile and hidden from my other obsessions. It is not a permanent solution, not even a good one. I am facing the mirror, and would love to throw a rock at it.

My kids are off school for Spring break, I want to go somewhere and do something. I want to have fun. Next week I see my therapist and do more physical therapy and work on my chores. Flargh, that is a choking sound. I am trying to be a better parent but realize, I can't help my kids with their issues if I can't tackle my own. OKAY.

Facts are, we are going to move. Somehow, somewhere..so we can be together as a family. Right now my children are so, so, don't even know the word. I am going to go get my day rolling as it is and work on what makes me content. I am not going to react emotionally, or over re-act and drive myself mental. I am saying this mantra to myself. I am hoping it starts working, soon. If my kids don't want to co-operate than their loss. My level? I have to find the right gear to go forward. I have been on a hill, sloping backwards and I am done with that.

Thanks for listening as always, you are all the best. You really are.

VROOM 

"Remember "rotate" and "revolve" from grade school? The Earth rotates around its axis and revolves around the sun. I have heard now that the sun moves within our universe and that the universes pivots around the galaxies at some center point and the galaxies whirl around too, somehow. If you go sub-molecular, everything has its own way of moving around.. ..no wonder I am so friggin' dizzy." LLTschudi


love ya and ttyal.

Do I have too? Really?

I suppose I should be writing, and I have felt the urge. So why haven't I? I could give you a whole boatload of excuses but, honestly? I really don't know.

I am a little confused on where I am lately. No, not location, but on my mind journey here. I think the anti-depressants cloud things up some times. They are doing what they are supposed to be doing. Which is keeping me out of the muck. I just feel dizzy and out-of-it at times.

I look back, especially at some of my past obsessions. I find them just simply embarrassing. I try not to dwell on it. I know I am not perfect, but wow. O-kay. I was really out of it there for a while. Yikes!

Today, I am tired again, and dizzy, dizzy, dizzy. I am still doing my hot/cold thing and my vision is full with black floaties, as always. I have eaten too much already, and the wrong things. I feel bloated, nauseous, and my tongue hurts again. At least I am not tasting blood, or having heartburn/acid. Everything else is as usual, pain in my knee, shoulder, neck, hands, hernias, feet..falling apart. LOL.

I am going to take a nap.

I am lonely and don't want to be. I am trying to not dwell on the negatives and flip-flop it into the humorous side, but I am not getting there yet. I am on the edge of it. It is just so ridiculous. Whine. Enough already! I have no idea when my hubby is going to be home. I am not even sure if he really wants to be home. That is the thought that hurts.

I am not stalking anyone any more. I find it not only shameful for me, but not  very rewarding. I guess I picked the wrong people to haunt. They didn't make me feel better and I didn't help them at all either. My level has hit the basement today. I am okay and will perk up. I just ..

LOLOL

I don't know. Now I understand why I stopped writing, this is too sad. I don't want to show this side to people. I don't even want to face it in myself.

I am in the winter of my soul, and while I have blanketed myself with layers of protection I find it cold and barren. I know that underneath it all the hope of Spring will come forth. Seeds, warm sun and fierce winds that will wake me up, render me anew. Even here in my desert, there is a change. I am looking for the courage to embrace it. I no longer am just satisfied with surviving, I wish to succeed.

Tomorrow is another day, and the day is not finished. Thanks for listening as always. TTYL. If I get motivated, the dog will get a bath, flea treatment and his new collar. I will post a picture.

 Love you all, hope you are having a better day than me.For all my friends facing major physical, mental and emotional challenges, I pray. You all inspire me to do better. For all my friends just out having a good time, more power to you. Enjoy. For those who have mostly given up, there is always hope. There is too many people in this world to be alone. I am sad and mad at myself for not connecting as much as I should. I am human, though and I err. I will hug my kids today, and give them both a kiss. They will protest, but will also be happy. Thanks.

computer art