I feel so frustrated, again. Trapped under glass, so I can see freedom but not have it. I am. *sigh.
I know I am spoiled. I would really rather work for a living. The job that I have of watching the kids and taking care of the house, I would have anyway. If I had a job, I would get paid and maybe meet and see people. Adult people.
I haven't found a job for multiple reasons. I applied for a server's job at the new Denny's they built. They never called me back. I worked for Denny's for a very long time. I can think of reasons why I wasn't even contacted, none of them are particularly good for my self-esteem. There isn't a whole lot of businesses here. I could work retail and make piss money, that the government will take for student loans plus a portion of my husband's income. I could work at other restaurants, but they would need week-ends and nights. I don't have anyone to watch my kids and wouldn't be making enough to pay them if I did.
I still have three hernias, carpal tunnel, and heel spurs..my body wouldn't handle factory work. I have also been there, done that. I don't want to anymore.
It hit me hard the other day when I stopped for lunch at a popular restaurant. There were at least five different groups of women, friends, meeting, talking. I felt strange, not because I was alone with a book. It was the hot hot flame of jealousy and envy that washed over me. They were all youngish, maybe 30 at the most, attractive and dressed nice. I got in my hot sun-drenched car and drove away. There was traffic everywhere, it being the middle of the afternoon.
How can there be so many people in the world and I am still by myself, mostly?
I admit that I am angry. I am mad at myself, mad at my kids, puppy and hubby. I want to scream, yell, cuss and kick things. I don't. I have done it before, it really doesn't help. I am crabby and irritated. The Arizonian desert has decided to heat up again during the day. It still isn't really heating my pool much yet. there is a lot of cold water in there. See what I mean by spoiled? I am whining that I can't go swim. I know people are starving, dying, being persecuted for all different reasons. That isn't my world.
That sounds harsh, but it is true. I am from middle-class white America. It is a wide spectrum, I have also witnessed the lower classes in all its different colors. There is a rising middle and select upper class of brown, black, red and mixed. That is one of the pluses of the US and why the world comes to our doors, knocking. (or sneaking in) If I have insulted anyone with my terms, I am somewhat sorry. I'll explain that more at some other time. The upper classes and the upper upper very privileged classes I can and have seen at times. It is not my world either.
I am going to finish making dinner for my kids, clean up my laundry a little and then go for a drive. I may end up grocery shopping or doing coupons. I am on a tight budget. That my budget would feed a starving village in some 3rd world country doesn't help me here. To just maintain where we live there are costs and bills. The economic downturn has made this more difficult. It would also be awesome if I could stay out of the hospital, doctors or dentist office. Even with insurance, this is very costly for a family of four, insurance and medical expenses are insane.
I love my kids, but they drive me nuts. I have heard other developed countries have better child-care and support. I wish. Unless they are at school or possibly at a friends house, I have my children 24-7..365 days a year plus one extra day for leap year. Always. They are old enough now that I can leave them unsupervised for some hours without being sent to jail. They won't be old enough to get a possible paying job for at least a couple of more years. The only free place to take them is the parks. There isn't much for them to do there.
ALL OF THE ABOVE is whining. Aaargh.
I did go for a walk today, woo-hoo for me. This was posted on my wall tonight. I don't fear change as much as I fear being stuck in the same old habits and mud-holes for my whole life. I haven't done as much as I have wanted too. the only person that can rectify that is me.
Thanks for listening and being patient with me. I will try to write more often. TTYAL.
I know I am spoiled. I would really rather work for a living. The job that I have of watching the kids and taking care of the house, I would have anyway. If I had a job, I would get paid and maybe meet and see people. Adult people.
I haven't found a job for multiple reasons. I applied for a server's job at the new Denny's they built. They never called me back. I worked for Denny's for a very long time. I can think of reasons why I wasn't even contacted, none of them are particularly good for my self-esteem. There isn't a whole lot of businesses here. I could work retail and make piss money, that the government will take for student loans plus a portion of my husband's income. I could work at other restaurants, but they would need week-ends and nights. I don't have anyone to watch my kids and wouldn't be making enough to pay them if I did.
I still have three hernias, carpal tunnel, and heel spurs..my body wouldn't handle factory work. I have also been there, done that. I don't want to anymore.
It hit me hard the other day when I stopped for lunch at a popular restaurant. There were at least five different groups of women, friends, meeting, talking. I felt strange, not because I was alone with a book. It was the hot hot flame of jealousy and envy that washed over me. They were all youngish, maybe 30 at the most, attractive and dressed nice. I got in my hot sun-drenched car and drove away. There was traffic everywhere, it being the middle of the afternoon.
How can there be so many people in the world and I am still by myself, mostly?
I admit that I am angry. I am mad at myself, mad at my kids, puppy and hubby. I want to scream, yell, cuss and kick things. I don't. I have done it before, it really doesn't help. I am crabby and irritated. The Arizonian desert has decided to heat up again during the day. It still isn't really heating my pool much yet. there is a lot of cold water in there. See what I mean by spoiled? I am whining that I can't go swim. I know people are starving, dying, being persecuted for all different reasons. That isn't my world.
That sounds harsh, but it is true. I am from middle-class white America. It is a wide spectrum, I have also witnessed the lower classes in all its different colors. There is a rising middle and select upper class of brown, black, red and mixed. That is one of the pluses of the US and why the world comes to our doors, knocking. (or sneaking in) If I have insulted anyone with my terms, I am somewhat sorry. I'll explain that more at some other time. The upper classes and the upper upper very privileged classes I can and have seen at times. It is not my world either.
I am going to finish making dinner for my kids, clean up my laundry a little and then go for a drive. I may end up grocery shopping or doing coupons. I am on a tight budget. That my budget would feed a starving village in some 3rd world country doesn't help me here. To just maintain where we live there are costs and bills. The economic downturn has made this more difficult. It would also be awesome if I could stay out of the hospital, doctors or dentist office. Even with insurance, this is very costly for a family of four, insurance and medical expenses are insane.
I love my kids, but they drive me nuts. I have heard other developed countries have better child-care and support. I wish. Unless they are at school or possibly at a friends house, I have my children 24-7..365 days a year plus one extra day for leap year. Always. They are old enough now that I can leave them unsupervised for some hours without being sent to jail. They won't be old enough to get a possible paying job for at least a couple of more years. The only free place to take them is the parks. There isn't much for them to do there.
ALL OF THE ABOVE is whining. Aaargh.
Thanks for listening and being patient with me. I will try to write more often. TTYAL.
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