A couple of nights ago, I was outside in my backyard looking at the stars. I love the Arizona sky. It was a "perfect" moment, the stars, the cool wind and the spicy scent of some desert plant that I don't know the name of. The day was a good one that ended well. I just can't sleep.
I found out I was allergic to the toothpaste I was using. That was why my mouth was hurting. My lips were very chapped so I put chapstick on them. Big mistake, my whole upper lip broke out in painful itchy welts that bleed. It has been almost two weeks now, and it is finally healing. I can't use any soap products on my face. I have been brushing my teeth with baking soda and hydrogen peroxide. I loathe my super-sensitive skin.
Whatever I am not allergic to or don't react to my daughter does. Just kidding. I do think me and her have more than our fair share. At least we don't have anything life-threatening like peanuts or bee stings. That would be terrifying. We just end up sneezing, rashy, and/or miserable.
My hubby came home last night. I am very happy and excited, as always. I had been throwing up, migraine, sneezing, sleeping for two days. ugh. I am starting to feel better. I am so sick of being sick.
Right now, I am thinking about loss and isolation. The words of a friend bothered me. I am not trying to figure out my own answers to everything. I am not that kind of smart. I don't think anyone is. I am always trying to analyze me and where I fit in. I can't help that, and it isn't something bad. It is just the way I am. I see patterns in everything, connections..some are random and don't mean anything, others are amazing, terrifying, beautiful. It all inner-connects.
Trying to connect-the-dots and explain it to others is harder. I am scared about my upcoming move, terrified for my daughter the most, me, my son, the dog, and my husband. Our last move didn't turn out very well. I don't want to stay here for another summer, either. Hell does not even begin to describe it. I am still debating what direction I should be taking. For now, I have been biding my time, hanging onto my sanity. I have been retrieving bits and pieces and am starting to feel less shattered. I shudder at how much worse it could have been.
I am thankful for what I have, but realize this isn't all I want or need. This isn't a bad thing either.
For now, just trying to "keep my cool" and not go off the deep end. I smile because I do love to dive. Metaphorically, I can't now. I have enough deep water to tread through.
I am not sure if and when what (swear words) doctor I will be seeing next. I know I can't remain this uncomfortable for too much longer. It is getting worse again, not better.
I am trying to find my music again, it is playing, but I am just not getting the message. I am not sure if it is because I am going the wrong way or maybe I am just not supposed to know right now.
Clarity would be good. I hate seeing everything all jumbled and dizzy. I think that is where some of my nausea has been coming from.
Levels, my level lately has been basic survival, just making it through the day and night. I can do better, I hope you all can too. Thanks for listening as always, with love. TTYL.
The song "I am walking on sunshine, ...and it feels good!" is playing through my head. Yes.
this picture is not my property and may be subject to copyright.
I found out I was allergic to the toothpaste I was using. That was why my mouth was hurting. My lips were very chapped so I put chapstick on them. Big mistake, my whole upper lip broke out in painful itchy welts that bleed. It has been almost two weeks now, and it is finally healing. I can't use any soap products on my face. I have been brushing my teeth with baking soda and hydrogen peroxide. I loathe my super-sensitive skin.
Whatever I am not allergic to or don't react to my daughter does. Just kidding. I do think me and her have more than our fair share. At least we don't have anything life-threatening like peanuts or bee stings. That would be terrifying. We just end up sneezing, rashy, and/or miserable.
My hubby came home last night. I am very happy and excited, as always. I had been throwing up, migraine, sneezing, sleeping for two days. ugh. I am starting to feel better. I am so sick of being sick.
Right now, I am thinking about loss and isolation. The words of a friend bothered me. I am not trying to figure out my own answers to everything. I am not that kind of smart. I don't think anyone is. I am always trying to analyze me and where I fit in. I can't help that, and it isn't something bad. It is just the way I am. I see patterns in everything, connections..some are random and don't mean anything, others are amazing, terrifying, beautiful. It all inner-connects.
Trying to connect-the-dots and explain it to others is harder. I am scared about my upcoming move, terrified for my daughter the most, me, my son, the dog, and my husband. Our last move didn't turn out very well. I don't want to stay here for another summer, either. Hell does not even begin to describe it. I am still debating what direction I should be taking. For now, I have been biding my time, hanging onto my sanity. I have been retrieving bits and pieces and am starting to feel less shattered. I shudder at how much worse it could have been.
I am thankful for what I have, but realize this isn't all I want or need. This isn't a bad thing either.
For now, just trying to "keep my cool" and not go off the deep end. I smile because I do love to dive. Metaphorically, I can't now. I have enough deep water to tread through.
I am not sure if and when what (swear words) doctor I will be seeing next. I know I can't remain this uncomfortable for too much longer. It is getting worse again, not better.
I am trying to find my music again, it is playing, but I am just not getting the message. I am not sure if it is because I am going the wrong way or maybe I am just not supposed to know right now.
Clarity would be good. I hate seeing everything all jumbled and dizzy. I think that is where some of my nausea has been coming from.
Levels, my level lately has been basic survival, just making it through the day and night. I can do better, I hope you all can too. Thanks for listening as always, with love. TTYL.
this picture is not my property and may be subject to copyright.
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