Where do the Children Play?

I don't want to write anything. I know that I am not doing well. I don't like admitting it. I really don't like feeling it.

 I want to get up and dance. I want to go places and see things. I want to feel sexy, vibrant and beautiful and charge the world around me with my glow. I want to meet people to talk and listen to, people who are brilliant. I want to wear fun clothes and go shop, and not really worry how I look.

All I feel lately is pain.

My body hurts every day, every moment in so many ways. I feel bloated, chubby and exhausted. I can't sleep except in the afternoon for a couple of hours. I have dreams, some are horrific and others are incredible. I forget them as soon as I wake up, all that is left is the lingering emotions.

I have lists and lists of things to do, I see it all piling up around me. I can't move. I feel stuck. Frozen in place, but broiling. I am hot/cold, shaky, nauseated and then starving. Nothing tastes or smells right, I am so out of sync. I have been physically ill, vomiting, diarrhea, headaches, rashes. WTF??

I realize I am crabby. I know it. The people that are nearest and dearest, my kids get the worst of it. They annoy the hell out of me. They always seem to want, want, want, or whine, whine, whine and then don't want to do anything about it. OR, pick a reaction that is idiotic and senseless.

 My daughter's depression irks me. I want her to snap out of it. I want her to be more normal, enjoy life. She is so young and could have so much that she is missing right now. My son worries me with his anger and mean streak. He can be so brutal.

My hubby comes home for a visit again, tomorrow night. I am happy but the sadness overrides it. That is one of the problems, he doesn't live here anymore. He hasn't for a very long time. Even when he is here or when we were more together he wasn't really here much either. It is hard to explain. I love him, I love my kids. Love isn't the problem.

I don't know what to do anymore. I will make it through this, I will. But why?

Why do I get so wound up and frazzled up like this?

I wish I knew, but then again I don't. I don't want to know anymore. Will I publish this? Perhaps.

I know my daughter can't "snap" out of it anymore then I can. She has her good and bad moments as do I. I keep telling myself that tomorrow is another day, another chance to "do".

I will try to go sleep and will see another day. Tomorrow.

Thanks for listening as always. TTYAL.