All I needed to know

There was a poster a few year back, it was All I Ever Needed to Know About Life I Learned in Kindergarten. It was cute, but annoyed me. Today you get the Laura's version of What I Learned About Life Working in a Restaurant.

• If you have sex with your customer's, co-worker's, boss no matter how discrete you try to be..eventually everyone will know. If this information is going to embarrass you, don't do it.
• If you tell your secrets to someone, it is not a secret anymore.
• People are happier when they are fed, and feel special.
• People don't tip on just how you do, they also tip on how you do it.
• There are true weird-do's in this world.
• You can't tell how much somebody will tip you based on what they look like unless they are regulars
• Don't fight with your cooks..LOL try the sweet approach first.
• There are thieves, liars, users, some you serve, some you work with, and some are your bosses.
• Do your set-up and know your info..it will make life so much easier.
• You can work hungover, in physical and emotional pain, or drunk or drugged..it will suck. If you do this all the time, you are a fool or desperate.
• Different customers have different needs, it is up to you to figure out what.
• Listen, not for what you want to hear, but what they are really saying.
• Things will go wrong, it really doesn't matter whose fault it is, you have to figure out how to fix it.
• Every day is different.
• Do your own work and clean up after yourself.
• If you never help anyone else , you will not receive any help when you need it.
• Have fun, joke, smile..it helps.
• Bitch, moan, cry, it helps.
•  Mandatory breaks are optional.
• There is always something to do.
• It can be exhausting and brutal, but it has its rewards.
• people die. ;-(
• Everybody has problems, everybody has strengths and weaknesses.
• Ask for help when you need it, if you don't get it, keep moving anyway.
• Look your best, try to be your best,encourage others to do their best
• you will screw up, don't be to hard on yourself
• you will meet some of the best and worst people
•  you have 3 options when you are overwhelmed walk out,  let someone else take over,or keep going. keep going works the best.
• customers think they are the only people you are waiting on.
• they also don't really want to know you, or your problems
• drunks/ druggies are only funny to themselves.

Enough, lol..I loved my job as I worked with incredible people over the years. I miss them. Always tip over 20%..for their sakes. TTyAL thanks for listening.

Been there,done that, don't want to do that, is that even possible?

My insanity is my reality. It is hard to face at times. It depends so much on what part of me I let handle it. If, if, if..

~~♥~~Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous.~~

LOL, my eyes are open now to so many things. I am an addict and I have no control. There's a very big part of me that wants to run away and hide. Just shut my eyes tightly with my hands over my ears and erase all the bits that bother me. I could do that and it isn't as hard as you would think. It is just another mask or persona you can mold and put over yourself. The problems with this, oh my..

"been there, done that"

I can stay where I am running around in circles in my mind, or take rides on the crazy train. Even worse yet is the runaway train of  just letting go, becoming so blitzed that there is no wrong or right, it is all sensation and feeling. Always searching for the next "high or low", agony and ecstasy...the well of depression is always there, "using" is second nature.

"been there, done that, don't want to do that"

I'm lonely..I know I am not the only one. I reach out to people that I care for and love. I pray. I pay for a therapist. I am taking steps in the right direction and a few that aren't. I do screw up..lol.

Two steps forward, two steps back on a slippery slope that leads to the unknown future, been at the bottom, can't quite glimpse the top..it is supposed to be the journey and not the destination…lol, uh-huh having sooo much fun..woo-hoo..LOLOL. -me-(sorry)

Yeah, I've been a bit down. My last message of this blog will be more hopeful, the next level?

Relationships are made not to exploit, not to be broken.   

We teach some by what we say

We teach some more by what we do

But we teach most by what we are

 You don't get to choose how you are going to die, or when, but, you can decide how you are going to live, here and now.  

 Remember:  people will forget what you said ...

 people will forget what you did ...

 but people will never forget how you made them feel ...

It's possible..:-)
TTYAL..thanks for listening..if you aren't feeling the love, time to go give some. 

Climb Every Mountain

I have said I am going to try new directions. I posted a picture of me and my Dad. I was 3 years old at the time. I do remember this, we all wanted to go climb the "mountain" in our back yard. It really was more of a hill. It seemed to me that we climbed forever. I was the one who kept urging everyone on, we can do it, let's go, come on. We made it to the top and I remember saying "Daddy, Daddy, I made it all the way to the top!" He laughed, "Yes, you did, Laura Lee." His joke with this story was that the picture explains how I got there.

Despite all the bitterness, hate and pain of later years, I have this memory. When a little girl loved her Dad because he was her world.

 My dad is a highly intelligent man with a lot of issues. His own upbringing, of what I heard of it, makes mine look like a picnic. He left home at a very early age, I think 14 and supported himself  by truck-driving till he joined the Army. He served for twenty years, went through the Korean war and retired before they sent him to Vietnam. He died at one point in an Army hospital, his heart officially stopped and came back to life. He found his religion and it fulfilled an innermost part of him. He was a hard-working man who provided for his family. He also has a horrible sense of humor and enjoys the stupidest jokes. I called them "groaners".

He also had a lot of pain, physical, mental, emotional, spiritual.

I do not judge anymore, and the love and hate ebb and flow in an uneasy balance. I have too many of my own issues and problems to deal with. I am grateful that I am getting the help I need. Help, that wasn't available to him at all.

I wouldn't be here today without him, and I wouldn't be the person I am despite him or because of him. We made it to the top, Dad, now I have to climb the rest of them on my own.
Some of my hardest lessons in life were sorting out what things you taught me were right...and which were dead wrong.

"Climb every mountain, ford every stream, follow every rainbow, till you find your dream." the Sound of Music

TTYAL..thanks for listening.

 Nobody is perfect, we all screw up..if we repeat the same mistakes over and over again, things will never change. I am learning now, how to be a better parent and not let the curse of child abuse go another generation for my sake and theirs. What can you do to let your kids know how much they mean to you? That they are loved unconditionally. It is harder and easier than you think and more rewarding.

Hopping down the Bunny Trail..

Hi All,

I know it has been quite a few days, crazy days..

I am here now today, trying to put it all in one thought. This is my 61st blog. I am at a crossroads of choices. I can circle around and around again..or take quite a few different paths.

 My blog has talked about addictions (sex, love, facebook, alcohol,drugs, cigarettes..etc.), child/spouse and pet abuse, mental illness( depression, obsessive-compulsive behaviors, phobias, addiction again, borderline personality disorder, manic-depressives, ..etc.) Asperger's, obesity, stigma's attached to all of the above..death, hell/heaven and beliefs in God or a higher power.

Where do we go from here? LOL


I have more to say on all the above, I feel compelled to write. I am not sure if it helps anybody else reading about my daily struggles or not. I'd really like to think so.

I have made choices in the past, present. Messes, mistakes, I screw up all the time. Facing the consequences ahead, I am scared today. I have to reclaim myself, my family, my marriage, my life or just continue to react. My therapist threw down a gauntlet of choices today. I am still sorting them out. Two of his challenges, no more Facebook or blogging. I can't do it.

I am a facebook addict..I do not have any control. I am not strong enough to give it up yet. Baby steps..

My husband will be driving home today. I am happy, but at the same time just worn out from the emotional ups-and-downs. Two and a 1/2 days isn't long enough. We have a lot to talk about and decide, choices.

My bonuses, I still have friends to talk too. Even though he insists they aren't really "real". My weather is beautiful, the pool is getting warmer..I managed to get in 1/2 way! LOL, I am such a big wimp.

One of my girlfriends is coming to visit next month, Ya-hoo!

My level today is facing reality, and realizing I am failing at most of my goals. I am working on an action plan. I am trying to not be too harsh on myself but at the same time not letting myself off the hook.
 I still have hope. I still have dreams..I am still hopping LOLOL.

Easter is about transformation, with sweet candy to wash it down, Spring is about re-birth and new growth.. Earth Day today celebrates the whole globe..I can only start with me.

 I am okay. I am hoping you all are at least okay, or much much better. My level is enjoying today, my next level is getting things done. Thanks for listening. Happy Holidays! TTYAL.

RLT stands for reality..

I have had so many thoughts on my mind. Some of them inter-connect and others just come out from random. I have been feeling insane, hopping from one mood to another to another. Cravings, desires, addictions, boredom, frustration, guilt and anger...and quite a few more that just have me crazy from one minute to the next. Not all are negative either, there's intense love, passion, happiness..OMG!

 I realize except for a few psychology books and the reading I do on the web, or paper I haven't read a whole book for months. Hmm..would that help? My brain feels too full as it is. I have started books, lost interest and put them down, weird. Really, really bizarre for me.

Therapy has opened up more things, which helps lighten or expose the past dramas of my childhood and present life. But d**n, all this other stuff..whirlwind of whatever is for the birds or the hounds of hell. I am saying choice swear words here, most start with ef's, esses, and d's. Just shoot me or something, it would be a relief. I am adding some more of "those" kind of words. LOL

I do take myself too seriously and am then jolted back to reality. My daughter, my son..my husband, even Jack the puppy...all need me to hold up. They rely on me, and I draw strength from them. Max is back in physical therapy for his knees. I found it odd that the therapist remembered me and not Max. Except when he is in the pool I stay with him, and "joke" with him the entire time. It is to distract him from the pain...and helps both of us. The whole therapy area hears us, and I have never really cared.  I guess they enjoyed it too.

My daughter's therapy is harder/easier in a way. Today Renee came out and right away, I knew. I hold her while she cries. She is so homesick for our "old" life back in WI. *me too, but as i told her, we take the good parts and re-build a newer better life where we are at. The tornado craziness stopped, my daughter needed me and needed me sane. RLT is her initials and I accepted that challenge the day she was finally born.

My hubby called and was tired, lonely and in pain..physical and emotional. It ended up being a good talk getting him to laugh and joke. Jack went nuts for awhile because I haven't been home 1/2 the day.Tomorrow? I don't know yet. Just enjoying my beautiful solitude and awesome weather right now.

My level today is being sane..facing reality. The next level is not just accepting it but molding it also. My life, my rules.

 Your level, where are you at? Where do you need to be? What are your rules? Don't forget to laugh..LOLOL.

Thanks for listening, TTYAL. :-)

heads or tails..

Today, yesterday...it is funny how things can change. Not even from just day-to-day but hour-to-hour, at times, minute to minute.

Every great mistake has a halfway moment, a split second when it can be recalled and perhaps remedied. Pearl S. Buck

I copied this awhile back,  thinking really? I don't think so, we make our mistakes and hopefully learn. Or we do the "right" thing and keep going. Sometimes not even knowing how close we came to disaster. Other times, we know..because we have made the same mistakes before or we knew it was wrong.

But now..got to agree with this. Choices.

Who do I want to be? What do I want to be remembered for? It is never to late to start over? LOL, sure it is..but there is a difference between starting over and transforming. Call it a re-awakening of purpose...and you are never to old to learn something new or you are old. In the worse sense of the word, closed, shut down..might as well just roll over and die and get it over with. Hell.

I am not old, but I am far from young. Half-way to somewhere..LOL.
I have been fighting my addictions, the depression, the mood-swings and my obsessive-compulsive behavior..it has become a major daily battle every day. I win at some things and lose at others. It was so tempting to get wasted tonight, drunk. That is my only choice right now..if I wanted to push it  further there's some guys on chat that would love to talk some shit. Could do that sober too. LOL.

This is harder when my hubby is gone, especially when he is gone longer. It isn't that life becomes Eden when he is here either. We have a few issues, but he is my partner, my friend, my lover, my co-parent..we have been together a long time. He still manages to amaze me.

I am too tired to write much more tonight. But, tonight I won..that split-second aha moment that said duh, don't do this...and I listened. The cravings went back inside, tamed for now.

My friends help me with this..by being themseves..lol So so much. Thanks TC, and DW and so many many others.
.

I used to have an old joke, I used when talking about my past with others. How many men did I sleep with before I met my hubby? Hmm, missed that memo. I didn't know you were supposed to count them or take names..got me hanging..your guess is as good as mine. LOL

I avoided making a mistake today, even though I made others instead. but I am ok with that.

What is your level? What do you want to be remembered for? Makes you think, huh? Good.

ttyal, good night The sun will rise tomorrow and illuminate not only the world, but also us. It should be a beautiful thing.

  

 

FB: The New Drug

I wasn't going to write now. I was going to clean up the kitchen, and do coupons, stop off at the bank and go grocery shopping. None of that is done..

I did feed both kids and got them  off to school. Took care of Jack, the puppy, he's very persistent. I ate breakfast, and lunch. I even took a shower and got dressed. I am craving chocolate now. All I have is chocolate chips, so not my favorite, so I can pass.

One child is home already, Wednesday's are always an early release. Where did my day go? Facebook, big heavy sigh here..I am an addict.

 Not totally out of control, but pretty d**n close. I have been worse. Hard to believe, but yes. Hell, I am still so obsessed though. So many things are so rewarding, seeing how and what my friends are doing. I really post too much, and love messages. My pokees are all very special people to me, unlike the jokes about it. It isn't a sex thing, though it can be. My pokes are about showing I care, that I am there and am always willing to listen. Checking on a few I worry about, or care deeply for, that I just like or the one I "stalk".

 My current victim finds it amusing? LOL, idk..sort of. Well, he takes it all in good humor and he is "safe" in a way. It is really hard to explain. My old victim and I are just friends. We fight or disagree a bit, and make up..no, nothing like that. We have similar addictions, issues, and past histories...and are  alike and very different. I prefer the new reality of our limited friendship to my old obsession, much more rewarding and sane. I learn.

I learn something new every day, about myself, about the world. I forget things too.

I am usually honest, I don't lie very often. Spur of the moment stuff I am usually bad at. Sometimes, it depends on what is going on and who I am with. People I am comfortable with find me outrageous, fun, smart and witty. People I don't know, in unfamiliar social settings, find me strange. I hesitate a lot and I am visibly nervous, in speech and manner. I miss alcohol then, as it works as a common ground, and is a drug to boot. Serving tables was different, you put on a persona or a mask and had a job to do. Nervous Nellies so didn't cut it. The people I worked with, were all completely different personalities, but you were in the same boat. We had a lot of fun, grief, pain, work..life.

I forget people lie, stupid, I know. I expect it from my kids, so they don't phase me. For the most part though, I am lucky, very few people do lie to me. I find it helpful that I am a ditzy blonde with a fuzzy brain. Since writing this blog, I have had a few messages. The few guys who wanted to see how my "sex" addiction worked were pretty disappointed. By the time I was figuring out what they were already saying, they had given up in disgust, hah. I encouraged that belief. A couple were straight out obvious, delete. Most people have been very supportive and shared stories with me. I find them all incredible and inspiring, wow!

I talk to my therapist tomorrow, probably a good thing.  I have lots to talk about. Whew!

I know right now that I am still not all here. I want to be.. and I want freedom in mental health and going forward not backwards. I am actively using FB as a crutch, a therapy, an excuse to not go out and live. It sucks and I know it. Praying with my God today, I hear other people's messages loud and clear. Mine? The music is all jumbled too fast or slow and too many tunes playing at once. It means..I am going down some "wrong" paths.

The sex addiction is alive and protesting, I am able to deal with it. It is a test, not of my will but of my  own stupidity. One of the reasons I don't go anywhere and have anywhere to go. I am not willing to throw 20 some years of control and commitment to the one man I love out the window for some poor schlepp. That is also one reason I haven't joined Sexual Anonymous either. The last thing I need is knowing others like me, in close vicinity. I have enough problems with the S.A.'s I know on FB. LOL.. What? You don't understand? No, unless you have the same addiction, you don't. Thank God, you never will.

It is bedtime for my kids now..I have been writing this on-and-off. I'll finish cleaning up after the dinner I made and talk with my hubby on the phone. I'll Fb more and take my stupid meds so I can sleep for more than a couple of hours. Tomorrow is another day, another chance to do better...I realize this post is all about me, me, me..sorry about that. My brain just went with it today.

I am ending today with a post from a friend the other day. I don't know if it is his words or a quote he found. I found it beautiful. TTYAL and thanks for listening. I pray this was true for everyone..knowing it isn't possible, yet, but hoping someday..the next level..

"This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life.”