Imagine..

I guess I am writing tonight. I wasn't going to. I am in a mood, not sure how to describe it. Today was Father's Day. This is another holiday I have some "issues" with. I also always laugh at the word "issues". It is a combination of so many cultural references it is hard to explain. I don't know if it is an American trait or more of a human trait, to be able to laugh at ourselves. So when I hear or use that word, I think of the commercial where the drill sergeant Marine therapist throws a box of tissues at a sobbing patient. It isn't real, in real life I would be appalled. I think.

There is another commercial from way back where they shoot mice from a cannon through a wooden O and miss. They aren't really shooting real mice, I laugh every time.

I called my Dad today. It made him happy, which makes me glad. It also relieves some tensions I have had. My dad, and our relationship over the years has been difficult and agonizing. I know how much I have changed. I shouldn't be surprised that he has changed also.

Me and my Dad, I was 3..

When you learn love and fear from the same person, it makes things complicated. I know my Dad and Mom both love me. I didn't think they did for a long time, or were incapable of it. I know there are people who are nodding their heads. I was not the only child in the world who had parents that overstepped the boundaries between discipline and abuse. I have stepped over the line myself and it it curls up inside me. It is easy to lash out at those we love the most. The hard part is learning to step back, calm down and not let our emotions rule.

That includes words as well. Words can heal and hurt.

I think in some ways we are hardest on ourselves. We beat each ourselves up in the inside. This is a common trait among addicts and "survivors" . Learning how to listen to the things that help us grow and blossom, rather than the negative shrew is a major step. It can be a battle or just flow. Life isn't always easy or hard, sometimes it is just boring, or a bit better and then there is your aha moments where everything clicks and it is absolutely the best thing ever.

I remember laughing uncontrollably with friends, playing games, the first time I said "my daughter", holding my husbands hand so tight during our wedding ceremony, my son's first steps. There is so many more moments, things that were beautiful, profound or just fun.

My dad was a survivor also from abuse that probably pales in comparison to what I lived with. Everyone has their own story. My kids will have their own. One of my girlfriends had the opportunity to be with her mom and reconcile with her before she passed away. Not all of us will have that chance. Other's were blessed with parents who while not perfect, had or have a great relationship with. I envy them that, I can't help it. I have lost people to death and other things. The pain lessens at times but never goes away.

Enough sadness.

I am supposed to be concentrating on my move. A year from now? I will write it tomorrow and post it later..as always thanks for listening. TTYL. I need to get some sleep.


As you can tell that was from the day before. I am still sleepy today, the sun is shining and it is triple digit hot. I feel paralyzed. It is hard to stay focused and moving. I have already had one nap. I have so much more to do. Am I overwhelming myself? Perhaps. I admit I am very unhappy that I am once again packing by myself. My dear neighbor Jenny, who I miss so much isn't here this time. I will be flying out with the kids after the moving company takes away our stuff. Next week.

Okay, up and at them. I am going to be bad and indulge in a soda and maybe some chocolate. It may help to get my blood pumping. Thanks for listening as always.

I have no rights for this song or lyrics. I do not make any profit or gain from this blog. thanks!

 This is the song that has been haunting me. There are worse tortures. I am  so laughing. It is a beautiful song. Just imagine..

Still kicking...

I am waiting for my pot roast to cool down a bit before I stick it in the fridge. It has been a strange day. I did manage to get some things done today. I have been slacking, I despise moving and packing. I had a call from a life coach, it was very interesting and not what I expected. His challenge was to come up with a scenario of what I expect my life to be like a year from now.

Okay, we talked about some of it. It was very positive. I have been having a very difficult time embracing the thought of our newest relocation. I have very old bad memories associated with Utah and a few good ones. The state itself is beautiful and I love the thought of having seasons again. Though, I would like to skip the snow. I am very nervous about being in a new place, finding my way around. I am a professional at getting lost. You can laugh, but I have ended up in the wrong state..more than once.


I am also practical enough to know that it isn't going to be all peaches and cream. There is work involved and at this point, I am frustrated with my kids. They are very spoiled in some ways. This is going to be a major issue. I have really not had my husband home regularly for about the last seven years or so. He has  worked for different employers, but all required field service. This means travel and a lot of it. I always tease him that he should have just been a semi-driver. He actually could beat them with accumulated miles on the road.

I am worrying about things that haven't happened yet. I am trying to relax and breathe it in and out. I will be okay.

My thought the other day was that there is almost always someone who is better at something then me and almost always somebody who is worse. I used to find this a frustrating statement. I realized I don't anymore. It is a comfort. I have limits, I don't have to be perfect. I am also uniquely me. Everybody has their quirks and foibles. I have always wanted to use that word in a sentence. I just love it, foibles. LOL

I am running late tonight so I am going to cut this short. I do realize I have not been writing very regularly as of late. I have been playing word games on Facebook which is very addicting to me. I know I am going to have to chill it down soon, but for the moment it has been a great stress reliever.

I will write my vision of the future tomorrow, I hope. TTYAL and thanks for listening.

Is there something that is your special talent? How do you nurture it? Is there something you hate about yourself? Is their any steps you can take to minimize it or embrace it instead? Serious and powerful questions of where you are and where you want to be.

"WORK IN PROGRESS"

The same but different, I love it.

"Going Out of My Head.."

"Since you been gone, been out of my head, can't take it.." the lyrics to a song that keep playing through my head. I HATE summer vacation. Really. I think kids should be in school during the summer too. It isn't like they are helping with the harvest. I really do respect teachers more than I already did. I am at my limit with children today and tomorrow, too.

My hubby comes home in a couple of days. Thank-you! I don't really know what I need a break from, life? I just know I feel very frazzled. It hasn't helped that I was very sick the last couple of days. First was because I ate Mexican food with some dairy two meals in a row. Yep, not a bright idea...after all that the next day I had the migraine from hell. I slept on and off all day and tried not to throw up.

It is hot here and getting hotter. The desert is heating up. It has been over a 100 degrees just about every day. The bonus is it is still cooling down at night. It won't soon, but we will be gone by then. Maybe, if I can get everything packed up and moved and the dog and the kids and bills and money and..lolol. Such fun, to move from one place I don't really want to be (but was starting to get used to) to a new place where I don't want to be, but with the family I want to be with. Okay. I have had waaay too much caffeine today.

I am not sure where I am at this point or what I have been trying to do. Confuzzled..just a bit. I just. I don't know. I would love to feel physically better. I am getting better at returning to anchor myself. I don't want to go off into an emotional abyss or ignore the stuff I feel I need to accomplish. I just..*sigh. I feel that I am getting socially and emotionally healthier. I am coming to peace and balance with  so many issues I have had. I am headed in the right direction.

I just want to yell or scream or throw a tantrum, and run away. I don't want to be a grown-up anymore. I don't want to be a kid either or a teenager..oh no. I need a vacation from everything, especially myself.

I guess we all have these kinds of days..I am better now. At least for a little while...lol.

Righty vs. Lefty

I had one idea that was tripping around inside my head but, I am going to have to save it for a future blog. It was about heaven, and levels and..sorry. I got taken away again by my daughter, she played me her version of a lovely song and then showed me her new art. I noticed a similarity right away to another picture I downloaded a couple of weeks ago.

It is how she views the possible inside of her mind. This is on her art site I will include the link when I find it again.

This is from Ted Talks.. a symposium for different ideas. I am going to try to find the linkage. My daughter hadn't seen this picture. This is from Quantum physics and represents the idea of vibrating slices of string as the template for our universe and others. *Sigh, she does stuff like this. I am going to have to find the original author and artist for this picture. I don't own it and have no rights to it.

The thought I got out of this is "what a strange place I have been."

Thanks for listening, I will talk to you all later. Levels? I am tired but in a good way, hope you all found something amazing in your every day life. Something that has been there all along and you saw differently.
Isn't it amazing!

And around we go...

So many things have happened that I am not sure what to say first. I love seeing all the graduation pictures on my Facebook page. I feel so happy for them, and/or their parents. I also have a flash of sadness. My daughter should have been graduating from 8th grade. I didn't even bother to check if there was a ceremony. She has failed (on purpose) for the last three years, ever since we have moved to Arizona. Next year, I am not sure how things are going to transfer or where and what she will be taking. I know it will be a challenge, and most likely not in a good way.

I have two moving companies coming over to give an estimate next week, I guess we are getting there. I wish I wasn't so tired and that I was a little more excited. I am not. Apprehensive is more the feeling, I am not looking forward to all the hassles. I guess I am wishing troubles ahead of myself. It is just that the last move didn't go so well. I had hoped for so much and none of it came true. Most of my three years here in the desert have been a strange nightmare that I can't seem to wake up from.

Right now, today, this moment..I am craving a cigarette so bad. I am going to go outside and deep breathe for a little until I can get past it. I have quit for 10 months now. Wow. I never thought I would ever be able to be without. I am still hating this weight gain and sitting on my a$$. Argh. I have physical therapy on my shoulder again tomorrow. It helps so much, plus I love the massage. A step forward in the right direction.

I have had too many friends go through some really hard times...and still going. It makes my worries seem petty in comparison. That is about the only good I see in their situations. The other part on my mind is another hurt. I am hoping that the person who posted a video I found very awful, didn't post it for that reason or for others they might know. I am so hoping they were a bit clueless. Otherwise, I don't know. I think of it as beyond a prank, but intentionally trying to hurt someones psyche? My stomach turns over and hurts, that is really evil.

I find I am still astonished by the hurt we can do to each other, intentionally or otherwise. It makes me feel sad, and small. I want to curl up and huddle in a corner where I may feel safe. It also pisses me off..I told you I feel opposite emotions. I want to grab a chair and a whip. I'll be like a lion tamer and control what others can not, what others would fear to do.

Brave words, I have to find the right persona or steel in me to go on. I truly believe in karma, it will come around and bite or bless you. Some folks really don't realize how bad it can be. It can always be worse, it can always be better, the trick is finding the right balance and staying afloat when you need to. Have I cliched enough? LOL

I love the beauty in this world in people and art, music, knowledge. Sometimes the most simple of things can be so profound.  Thanks. I got to try to get some rest ..thanks for listening. TTYAL

Ledo is waiting for the ?

It is already late, and I should be asleep. I am not, I had a nap that I really needed. Now, I am awake. As I said in my first blog ever, I am here. I might as well write something.

It was a beautiful day, I got to be lazy. I swam, I Face booked. I tried making brownie waffles. They were very yummy, a bit messy. My kids had their last day of school. My husband was home and we emptied most of the garage into a U-haul for him to take back to Utah. He also got rid of at least 4 boxes of junk, and recycled aluminum cans and had four bags of clothes for Goodwill.

I met the guy who will be renting our house here the day before. Jack loved him, which is a good sign. He seemed really nice.

craters on Mars, courtesy of NASA

I am bored at the same time that some part of me is paralyzed. I am really "nervous" about this move. Or maybe apprehensive is the word. I dread it at the same time I am looking forward to a change. The weather here in Arizona is officially triple digit hot, it will get hotter. As of now it is still cooling down at night. In a couple more weeks it won't cool down at all. I call it hell and am so glad I don't have to endure it again.

I am not looking forward to snow and real grass either. I HATE snow, and grass is green and it grows. It would really help if I wasn't allergic to it. I am looking forward to seeing my new house. I just..

I don't know. Scared? Kind of..I don't like change, even good changes. I get very comfortable in my ruts. LOL. I know I don't want my hubby to leave. He just got here, and I am not sure when I will see him again. It may not be until the end of next month for the big move. *sigh.

I have so much stuff to do. Not a bit of it is fun. Moving bites!

It would be easier if I had less possessions and I was willing to let go of them. I am not a hoarder in the same sense that others are. I still have my mementos though.

Okay, I am whining again.  I am on another prescription medicine. I have to admit I have been getting way more sleep. I have to be very careful about what I eat or don't eat. I spent almost four days with a digestive system that wouldn't work, now I think I am sliding the other direction. Wonderful, and yes.. that is sarcastic.

I actually had a drag of my hubby's menthol cigarette, blchhh. I had to go rinse and spit my mouth out. It killed the desire I had. Whew. I have cravings for things I don't even want. It does help to remember that. My final frontier for now is my weight. ugh.

I need to start thinking like a skinny person. They have energy, enthusiasm and stop eating when they are full. They don't binge eat and eat lots of fruits and veggies and avoid high fat, high sugar foods. Not just because they taste bad but that it makes them feel like a slug. Processed foods are a big no-no and chocolate and other indulgences are rare. Exercise is daily and includes aerobic and cardio..plus resistance training and flexibility..hmm. Okay.

I have been here and done this before, baby steps. Time for some sleep and thanks for listening to me vent. I feel a 100% better, amazing. Prayers for all my friends going through difficult times. Money, health and family issues...I hope things turn out the best for you all.

TTYL..shhh. Don't miss your boat..(The Ledo shuffle by Boz Scaggs) ..

I Yam..

I have been doing a daily gratitude post on Facebook. It started out very simple but is beginning to be more difficult now. I have a tendency to add qualifications. I am thankful for this, but ..lol. It has made me open my eyes and really look at things. I think most of us can use that advice.

Mother's day was last Sunday. I still miss working it in a restaurant. It was a crazy fun busy day. So many families, sometimes it was just the dad alone with the kids. The dad would be sheepish and say "my wife's present is that she wanted some time alone." I always thought that was sweet.

I don't think of myself as a good mom. I don't think of myself as a bad mom either. I have my days and moments. I have been parenting my kids since they were born, and mostly by myself. My husband has been on some form of travel in the field for about the last ten years. The past four years have been the worse. I tell people I am a single mother, that just happens to be married. Divorced couples see their ex-spouses more than I see mine. I can boo-hoo about this some more.

The sad part is I don't get support from other moms. The married ones have their husbands and friends. The single ones have their friends and family. I am glad I made some friends. I did have to pay sitters. My kids were a challenge. You never quite knew what Renee was going to do or not do. Funny, I still don't. Max liked a lot of interaction, which some sitters enjoyed and others didn't.

 With my whacky schedule it was hard to socialize and see the friends I had. I worked every Saturday and Sunday with only a few days off here and there for over ten years. Before that I was on third shift, and none of my friends outside of work were.

Being a parent, I had a choice to walk away from it all, but I didn't. There was times I was tempted. I still am. It gets to be a lot. I only have two kids. I knew other moms that had more and were less frazzled than me. I observed as I always do. I had friends that were very lenient with their kids and others that were very strict. I learned something from everyone.

Advice from any people without kids is very well-meaning and really not usually very helpful, I don't care how many degrees you have in child psychology or what you remember as a kid. That includes all those self-help books also. Advice from other parents is great as long as they realize every kid is different. My kid is not going to react the same as yours. My two kids don't even react the same way. Advice from people whose kids have grown and gone is not always applicable now. The world is a very different place then it was even twenty years ago.

Where am I going with this? Being a parent is a constant, continuing process. I have learned so much from my kids. I have to say more good than bad, but there are moments. When your two-year old decides that every night is a poopy-smearing art festival. When your toddler head butts you so hard in the jaw again, that you get a fat lip or your teeth bleed. When you see your child perform for the first time and every time after. When they hug you and tell you they love you, or scream that they hate you and slam the door. LOL, the joys and the pain.

I am still trying to get excited about our upcoming move. It hasn't happened yet. Nope. Anytime I try to focus on it and start to get organized it starts to slip away from me. I have different thoughts go through my head, mostly about how we are going to get there and what I should be packing and getting rid of. That's about it.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow about my headaches and to get a refill on one of my prescriptions. I will probably do a blood check as well. I am staying in my zen mode. I try not to get over or under-excited by doctor visits anymore. I am just going to be as mellow and uncynical as I can be. Whew! I'll try to remember my breathing and remember to be nice. "You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar."

My levels have been to keep going, to not stop trying. I am worth it and so is everyone else. I am thankful today to be "me" and grateful for my past and all that I am and my future that is before me. Tonight the little sparrows that are nesting in the roofs made me smile. I can hear the baby chicks, they are loud when mom brings them some food. Life goes on with or without you, I'd rather be with it.

Thanks for listening as always. TTYAL, this goes out to the ones I love. I own no rights to this song or lyrics.

Across the M-verse.

I am writing during the day, which is unusual. I wonder if I will make more sense? Too funny. I normally write when I am am in insomniac mode. I would love a nap today, but I am trying to refrain. I love naps, but they mess with my nighttime chaotic sleep pattern.

So how am I doing? Okay. Yes, okay, today. Yesterday had its moments of touch-and-go where I felt the bottom fall out of my world. I am back on balance and shaking my head at myself. I am 40 something, not 19 something. An internet surprise of a very old boyfriend shocked the hell out of me. Ztttpt! The sound that electricity makes when it shorts and fizzles out. Okay, I am good.

I told another friend that that relationship was from another universe, from another planet. If some of the new theories about space, time, multi-verses and string theory are even remotely true, then yes...it was. I am glad, as yet, that we can only travel back into time in our memories. I would still love a transponder though, instant teleportation. I think a phasar or a light-saber would be awesome as well. I do realize if they did exist, it wouldn't be in my house. Maybe a low voltage laser device to slice toast or incinerate garbage. It still would be sweet.

I am a "nerd", "geek"..I was raised on science-fiction before anyone really knew what that was. Asimov, Heinlein, Tolkien, CS Lewis..to name a few, were my heroes. I was also raised on organic foods fresh from the garden and the Mid-west diet of home-cooked meat and a carbohydrate. Cheese, dairy, fresh fruits and vegetables, nuts, olive oil, whole wheat, herbal tea, wild honey and chocolate..and then American junk goodies thrown in, pop-tarts, cake of all kinds, Oreos, Chef-boy-r-dee ravioli, candy, ice cream, and soda..(or pop). I love food.

I worked in a restaurant most of my life, and line-cooked and home-cooked. Cooking for yourself is difficult at times, cooking for kids is the worst. I'd rather cook for anyone else rather than my kids. That is even including people I hate or would normally be afraid of. I suppose it would depend on where and when. Of course, feeding my family is a daily process. My children are still learning. I am not a very good teacher with them. I get too hyper and over-react, or I take over and scootch them out of my kitchen.

I am really craving shrimp right now for some reason. Yes, this is really how my mind works. Some part of me is typing this and thinks wow, my fingers and hands are really dry. I have that lotion that doesn't break me out, but then the keys would get all greasy. Another part is irritated that my kids used my computer so there is smudgy fingerprints on it...and dust. I can hear the A/C working and while nice and cool, some part of my mind is going ka-ching. There's a bill, and I have a few bills on the table I need to get too and I still haven't done my coupon/grocery work and, and..I still don't know what to make for dinner that my kids will eat.

I am still not smoking,but I am also overeating and gaining weight, still. I am so unhappy with this. I prefer the fact that I am blessed to be able to be fat as opposed to starving, I have been hungry. I have eaten stuff either because I was forced to or I was just too hungry to care. I always joked around and said I love food and hate exercise. True. "If I had to run for my life, I would die." yep.

It is very late now, my kids are sleeping and I am okay. I went to the movies "Avengers" with my son. It was great, we had a very good time. The movie was fun and reminded me of the joy of stories. It made me glad to be human, to be able to think. They say fictional books, movies, cartoons, comics are an escape from reality. Yes, thank you very much. I don't want to live there but it is sure nice to visit...and just laugh, because it was funny.

A writer once proposed the theory that all stories are real, they actually create their own universe. I always thought that was an excellent idea. Whether that universe existed before it was imagined or it was always there and the writer found it is a different debate.

So what does that mean for non-fiction writing like this blog? Too funny, is the word first? Are the memories real because I shared them or as I said up above, does it matter as it is now a different time and place? Yes, to me it matters. Not just my tales, but everyone's. Every single person has something to say or think or contribute..yes, they do.

Thanks for listening as always. TTYL