And around we go...

So many things have happened that I am not sure what to say first. I love seeing all the graduation pictures on my Facebook page. I feel so happy for them, and/or their parents. I also have a flash of sadness. My daughter should have been graduating from 8th grade. I didn't even bother to check if there was a ceremony. She has failed (on purpose) for the last three years, ever since we have moved to Arizona. Next year, I am not sure how things are going to transfer or where and what she will be taking. I know it will be a challenge, and most likely not in a good way.

I have two moving companies coming over to give an estimate next week, I guess we are getting there. I wish I wasn't so tired and that I was a little more excited. I am not. Apprehensive is more the feeling, I am not looking forward to all the hassles. I guess I am wishing troubles ahead of myself. It is just that the last move didn't go so well. I had hoped for so much and none of it came true. Most of my three years here in the desert have been a strange nightmare that I can't seem to wake up from.

Right now, today, this moment..I am craving a cigarette so bad. I am going to go outside and deep breathe for a little until I can get past it. I have quit for 10 months now. Wow. I never thought I would ever be able to be without. I am still hating this weight gain and sitting on my a$$. Argh. I have physical therapy on my shoulder again tomorrow. It helps so much, plus I love the massage. A step forward in the right direction.

I have had too many friends go through some really hard times...and still going. It makes my worries seem petty in comparison. That is about the only good I see in their situations. The other part on my mind is another hurt. I am hoping that the person who posted a video I found very awful, didn't post it for that reason or for others they might know. I am so hoping they were a bit clueless. Otherwise, I don't know. I think of it as beyond a prank, but intentionally trying to hurt someones psyche? My stomach turns over and hurts, that is really evil.

I find I am still astonished by the hurt we can do to each other, intentionally or otherwise. It makes me feel sad, and small. I want to curl up and huddle in a corner where I may feel safe. It also pisses me off..I told you I feel opposite emotions. I want to grab a chair and a whip. I'll be like a lion tamer and control what others can not, what others would fear to do.

Brave words, I have to find the right persona or steel in me to go on. I truly believe in karma, it will come around and bite or bless you. Some folks really don't realize how bad it can be. It can always be worse, it can always be better, the trick is finding the right balance and staying afloat when you need to. Have I cliched enough? LOL

I love the beauty in this world in people and art, music, knowledge. Sometimes the most simple of things can be so profound.  Thanks. I got to try to get some rest ..thanks for listening. TTYAL

Ledo is waiting for the ?

It is already late, and I should be asleep. I am not, I had a nap that I really needed. Now, I am awake. As I said in my first blog ever, I am here. I might as well write something.

It was a beautiful day, I got to be lazy. I swam, I Face booked. I tried making brownie waffles. They were very yummy, a bit messy. My kids had their last day of school. My husband was home and we emptied most of the garage into a U-haul for him to take back to Utah. He also got rid of at least 4 boxes of junk, and recycled aluminum cans and had four bags of clothes for Goodwill.

I met the guy who will be renting our house here the day before. Jack loved him, which is a good sign. He seemed really nice.

craters on Mars, courtesy of NASA

I am bored at the same time that some part of me is paralyzed. I am really "nervous" about this move. Or maybe apprehensive is the word. I dread it at the same time I am looking forward to a change. The weather here in Arizona is officially triple digit hot, it will get hotter. As of now it is still cooling down at night. In a couple more weeks it won't cool down at all. I call it hell and am so glad I don't have to endure it again.

I am not looking forward to snow and real grass either. I HATE snow, and grass is green and it grows. It would really help if I wasn't allergic to it. I am looking forward to seeing my new house. I just..

I don't know. Scared? Kind of..I don't like change, even good changes. I get very comfortable in my ruts. LOL. I know I don't want my hubby to leave. He just got here, and I am not sure when I will see him again. It may not be until the end of next month for the big move. *sigh.

I have so much stuff to do. Not a bit of it is fun. Moving bites!

It would be easier if I had less possessions and I was willing to let go of them. I am not a hoarder in the same sense that others are. I still have my mementos though.

Okay, I am whining again.  I am on another prescription medicine. I have to admit I have been getting way more sleep. I have to be very careful about what I eat or don't eat. I spent almost four days with a digestive system that wouldn't work, now I think I am sliding the other direction. Wonderful, and yes.. that is sarcastic.

I actually had a drag of my hubby's menthol cigarette, blchhh. I had to go rinse and spit my mouth out. It killed the desire I had. Whew. I have cravings for things I don't even want. It does help to remember that. My final frontier for now is my weight. ugh.

I need to start thinking like a skinny person. They have energy, enthusiasm and stop eating when they are full. They don't binge eat and eat lots of fruits and veggies and avoid high fat, high sugar foods. Not just because they taste bad but that it makes them feel like a slug. Processed foods are a big no-no and chocolate and other indulgences are rare. Exercise is daily and includes aerobic and cardio..plus resistance training and flexibility..hmm. Okay.

I have been here and done this before, baby steps. Time for some sleep and thanks for listening to me vent. I feel a 100% better, amazing. Prayers for all my friends going through difficult times. Money, health and family issues...I hope things turn out the best for you all.

TTYL..shhh. Don't miss your boat..(The Ledo shuffle by Boz Scaggs) ..

I Yam..

I have been doing a daily gratitude post on Facebook. It started out very simple but is beginning to be more difficult now. I have a tendency to add qualifications. I am thankful for this, but ..lol. It has made me open my eyes and really look at things. I think most of us can use that advice.

Mother's day was last Sunday. I still miss working it in a restaurant. It was a crazy fun busy day. So many families, sometimes it was just the dad alone with the kids. The dad would be sheepish and say "my wife's present is that she wanted some time alone." I always thought that was sweet.

I don't think of myself as a good mom. I don't think of myself as a bad mom either. I have my days and moments. I have been parenting my kids since they were born, and mostly by myself. My husband has been on some form of travel in the field for about the last ten years. The past four years have been the worse. I tell people I am a single mother, that just happens to be married. Divorced couples see their ex-spouses more than I see mine. I can boo-hoo about this some more.

The sad part is I don't get support from other moms. The married ones have their husbands and friends. The single ones have their friends and family. I am glad I made some friends. I did have to pay sitters. My kids were a challenge. You never quite knew what Renee was going to do or not do. Funny, I still don't. Max liked a lot of interaction, which some sitters enjoyed and others didn't.

 With my whacky schedule it was hard to socialize and see the friends I had. I worked every Saturday and Sunday with only a few days off here and there for over ten years. Before that I was on third shift, and none of my friends outside of work were.

Being a parent, I had a choice to walk away from it all, but I didn't. There was times I was tempted. I still am. It gets to be a lot. I only have two kids. I knew other moms that had more and were less frazzled than me. I observed as I always do. I had friends that were very lenient with their kids and others that were very strict. I learned something from everyone.

Advice from any people without kids is very well-meaning and really not usually very helpful, I don't care how many degrees you have in child psychology or what you remember as a kid. That includes all those self-help books also. Advice from other parents is great as long as they realize every kid is different. My kid is not going to react the same as yours. My two kids don't even react the same way. Advice from people whose kids have grown and gone is not always applicable now. The world is a very different place then it was even twenty years ago.

Where am I going with this? Being a parent is a constant, continuing process. I have learned so much from my kids. I have to say more good than bad, but there are moments. When your two-year old decides that every night is a poopy-smearing art festival. When your toddler head butts you so hard in the jaw again, that you get a fat lip or your teeth bleed. When you see your child perform for the first time and every time after. When they hug you and tell you they love you, or scream that they hate you and slam the door. LOL, the joys and the pain.

I am still trying to get excited about our upcoming move. It hasn't happened yet. Nope. Anytime I try to focus on it and start to get organized it starts to slip away from me. I have different thoughts go through my head, mostly about how we are going to get there and what I should be packing and getting rid of. That's about it.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow about my headaches and to get a refill on one of my prescriptions. I will probably do a blood check as well. I am staying in my zen mode. I try not to get over or under-excited by doctor visits anymore. I am just going to be as mellow and uncynical as I can be. Whew! I'll try to remember my breathing and remember to be nice. "You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar."

My levels have been to keep going, to not stop trying. I am worth it and so is everyone else. I am thankful today to be "me" and grateful for my past and all that I am and my future that is before me. Tonight the little sparrows that are nesting in the roofs made me smile. I can hear the baby chicks, they are loud when mom brings them some food. Life goes on with or without you, I'd rather be with it.

Thanks for listening as always. TTYAL, this goes out to the ones I love. I own no rights to this song or lyrics.

Across the M-verse.

I am writing during the day, which is unusual. I wonder if I will make more sense? Too funny. I normally write when I am am in insomniac mode. I would love a nap today, but I am trying to refrain. I love naps, but they mess with my nighttime chaotic sleep pattern.

So how am I doing? Okay. Yes, okay, today. Yesterday had its moments of touch-and-go where I felt the bottom fall out of my world. I am back on balance and shaking my head at myself. I am 40 something, not 19 something. An internet surprise of a very old boyfriend shocked the hell out of me. Ztttpt! The sound that electricity makes when it shorts and fizzles out. Okay, I am good.

I told another friend that that relationship was from another universe, from another planet. If some of the new theories about space, time, multi-verses and string theory are even remotely true, then yes...it was. I am glad, as yet, that we can only travel back into time in our memories. I would still love a transponder though, instant teleportation. I think a phasar or a light-saber would be awesome as well. I do realize if they did exist, it wouldn't be in my house. Maybe a low voltage laser device to slice toast or incinerate garbage. It still would be sweet.

I am a "nerd", "geek"..I was raised on science-fiction before anyone really knew what that was. Asimov, Heinlein, Tolkien, CS Lewis..to name a few, were my heroes. I was also raised on organic foods fresh from the garden and the Mid-west diet of home-cooked meat and a carbohydrate. Cheese, dairy, fresh fruits and vegetables, nuts, olive oil, whole wheat, herbal tea, wild honey and chocolate..and then American junk goodies thrown in, pop-tarts, cake of all kinds, Oreos, Chef-boy-r-dee ravioli, candy, ice cream, and soda..(or pop). I love food.

I worked in a restaurant most of my life, and line-cooked and home-cooked. Cooking for yourself is difficult at times, cooking for kids is the worst. I'd rather cook for anyone else rather than my kids. That is even including people I hate or would normally be afraid of. I suppose it would depend on where and when. Of course, feeding my family is a daily process. My children are still learning. I am not a very good teacher with them. I get too hyper and over-react, or I take over and scootch them out of my kitchen.

I am really craving shrimp right now for some reason. Yes, this is really how my mind works. Some part of me is typing this and thinks wow, my fingers and hands are really dry. I have that lotion that doesn't break me out, but then the keys would get all greasy. Another part is irritated that my kids used my computer so there is smudgy fingerprints on it...and dust. I can hear the A/C working and while nice and cool, some part of my mind is going ka-ching. There's a bill, and I have a few bills on the table I need to get too and I still haven't done my coupon/grocery work and, and..I still don't know what to make for dinner that my kids will eat.

I am still not smoking,but I am also overeating and gaining weight, still. I am so unhappy with this. I prefer the fact that I am blessed to be able to be fat as opposed to starving, I have been hungry. I have eaten stuff either because I was forced to or I was just too hungry to care. I always joked around and said I love food and hate exercise. True. "If I had to run for my life, I would die." yep.

It is very late now, my kids are sleeping and I am okay. I went to the movies "Avengers" with my son. It was great, we had a very good time. The movie was fun and reminded me of the joy of stories. It made me glad to be human, to be able to think. They say fictional books, movies, cartoons, comics are an escape from reality. Yes, thank you very much. I don't want to live there but it is sure nice to visit...and just laugh, because it was funny.

A writer once proposed the theory that all stories are real, they actually create their own universe. I always thought that was an excellent idea. Whether that universe existed before it was imagined or it was always there and the writer found it is a different debate.

So what does that mean for non-fiction writing like this blog? Too funny, is the word first? Are the memories real because I shared them or as I said up above, does it matter as it is now a different time and place? Yes, to me it matters. Not just my tales, but everyone's. Every single person has something to say or think or contribute..yes, they do.

Thanks for listening as always. TTYL

A Place to Go.

There was a TV show called Cheers. It was very popular, you got used to all the goofy characters and crazy sitcom problems that are solved in an hour. The start of it was the theme song..and Norm, a chubby beer-drinking guy who went to the same stool every day. Everybody in the bar would call out his name when he walked in and sat down.

I think that most people want that, a "place where everybody knows your name, and they're always glad you came".

We try to make that feeling where we live. The difference between an apartment, house, condo, motor home, yacht, etc. just being a location is a feeling called "home". We belong. We are wanted and loved.

I try to make that for my kids, my dog, my husband when he is here.

It is nice to have another place you can go. Whether it be a bar, church, restaurant, friend's house. It can even just be a group of friends knowing where ever they are, they are happy you joined them and you are glad too.

I think that is why Facebook has become so popular. We can socialize at home without even stepping outside our door. So many Americans, myself included, have become so isolated. We don't have the small towns we grew up in, or the same neighborhood block. Churches have become a strange place to avoid. Bars and restaurants become expensive, you slowed down on drinking or quit alcohol. Schools are huge and impersonal. You don't know your neighbors beyond a hi or small talk at most. Work becomes your biggest social circle. When you don't have a job, you don't have anywhere to go.

People are busy. Your friends had kids, and you didn't. Or you had kids and got married. There becomes gaps in interests with your friends. Different jobs, schools, hobbies, income levels all become uneven. Between work, childcare, and housework, finding time to hang becomes less and less. You are tired. There is too many bills to pay to go on a "real" vacation or go out. You stay at home and watch TV or Netflicks. You hook up on the computer with your fb friends when you can.

 Kids/teens and quite a few adults are addicted to phone messaging and texting. They can keep in contact with their people 24/7.

I am a Facebook/computer addict. I'd prefer seeing people in person, and have fun. I miss it. I'd like to have..

A place to go.

Sorry, feeling lonely today as I realized talking to my neighbor that I hadn't "talked" face-to-face with anyone besides my therapist for a week. Before that it was another week when my husband was home. I am not including my children or the dog or any store employees or waiters. I am not even going to talk about my physical therapists because I don't really talk much there at all. Whew.

Deep breath in, holding it 1-2-3-4 letting it out, slowly. I'd laugh, and I do daily. I just feel sad tonight. I am trying to not let it slip further than that. I am "jonesing" a bit for a smoke, toke, snort, shot? (not really) I don't like drinking alone, or getting messed up by myself. It is just a bit too sad for me.

Past time for bed, and sleep.."good night, moon, good night, stars.."


Thanks for listening..TTYAL, I will try to be in a better mood next time. LOL..really.

I'm Not Crazy..I'm Just..

I am trying to figure out where I am today. Who I am... I am still working on, every single day. Is this why I am so tired?

I have to laugh. Everything has been so serious lately. It does drive me a bit nutty. I hate the superficial small talk and mumbo-jumbo of the world. There are times when it serves a purpose, but I am at my limit right now. So many people all agreeing and hanging out with their own "kind". I am not talking about any one particular group. It is just groups and groups and groups of people who all say the same things.

I am so different than I was a year ago, or the year before that. I do learn something new and try to incorporate it into being me.  I haven't enjoyed my lessons in life lately. It has been very painful figuring out that I was way more messed up than I thought I was.

The pats on my back for this and that mean nothing at this point. I can't seem to break free of my newest addiction. In fact, I am being sucked into more and more. I say I have changed, and I did. I have, but I have been feeling so stuck lately. I would like to break free of it. The fact that I know this is a crutch or escape from reality doesn't help much. Knowing is not the same as doing.

I am hoping our upcoming move will be for the better. I am trying not to jinx myself. Worrying about things doesn't help. It does feel like it is all hanging there a bit. One false move and the avalanche will come cascading down. I would prefer to be out of the way. Really.

Yesterday my daughter was in full-blown freak out mode where she refuses to talk or do anything. I did keep my patience better than I used to. It is very difficult. She doesn't want to perform for her upcoming piano recital. *Sigh, I haven't quite given up on her doing this, but I suppose I may have to. I think she is missing a very good opportunity. She thinks of it as another stressor or a change-up that she doesn't want to deal with.

So then what? I am getting used to my husband being gone again these past few days. I feel like I am in a grief process(anger, denial, bargaining..). It it annoying and hurtful. Yesterday and the day before it was an emotional disaster. The titanic kind of depression that just gets worse and worse. I am okay, now for a bit.Yeah!
I am hoping my acceptance or calmness I am experiencing now flows over into tomorrow. God's love? Yes, I'll even call it that.

Am I saying anything that makes sense here? I  hate when people ramble on about what is important to them but, really isn't to anyone else. I did face up to my loneliness yesterday. I went to physical therapy and then out to lunch. There was three rambunctious toddlers tearing up the place. I had to laugh as the moms really didn't see the worst of it. The energy and joy were sweet. The bonus that they weren't my kids was even better.

I had a way older guy that keep smiling at me, he was with another lady. His smile was nice, but also a bit creepy. I am not sure why. I did manage to get my coupons ready for tomorrow's shopping. I used my time to soak up some of the people energy in the place. They were busy. It did help, it sounds strange as you think I would feel more isolated than less. I have to remind myself that it isn't all about me. It was better than being home alone. I did end up going home, and it was a comfort for Jack the puppy and me.

He feels the absence of my hubby too. He knows we are all upset. He acts like a bit of a goof at first and then starts mellowing out. My son gets very clingy and crabby. My daughter(aha) shuts down and regresses. Now I understand more. I think.

Shower time and then groceries, I have boo-hooed enough. I told a friend I need to start living my own life again. I feel clueless today.

I am not writing this so you feel sorry for me, I don't want your pity. I am not writing it for your approval either. I do hope you get something out of it. For me, it is a release. Getting all my angst out on paper(screen) helps me to deal with it. It makes it seem more tangible and not so overwhelming.

Thanks for listening as always. I really do need to get moving here. I hope you approach your levels with patience, understanding and love today. Every bit of good we bring into this world does not go to waste.

I own no rights to the above song, music, lyrics or video. TTYAL

Where do the Children Play?

I don't want to write anything. I know that I am not doing well. I don't like admitting it. I really don't like feeling it.

 I want to get up and dance. I want to go places and see things. I want to feel sexy, vibrant and beautiful and charge the world around me with my glow. I want to meet people to talk and listen to, people who are brilliant. I want to wear fun clothes and go shop, and not really worry how I look.

All I feel lately is pain.

My body hurts every day, every moment in so many ways. I feel bloated, chubby and exhausted. I can't sleep except in the afternoon for a couple of hours. I have dreams, some are horrific and others are incredible. I forget them as soon as I wake up, all that is left is the lingering emotions.

I have lists and lists of things to do, I see it all piling up around me. I can't move. I feel stuck. Frozen in place, but broiling. I am hot/cold, shaky, nauseated and then starving. Nothing tastes or smells right, I am so out of sync. I have been physically ill, vomiting, diarrhea, headaches, rashes. WTF??

I realize I am crabby. I know it. The people that are nearest and dearest, my kids get the worst of it. They annoy the hell out of me. They always seem to want, want, want, or whine, whine, whine and then don't want to do anything about it. OR, pick a reaction that is idiotic and senseless.

 My daughter's depression irks me. I want her to snap out of it. I want her to be more normal, enjoy life. She is so young and could have so much that she is missing right now. My son worries me with his anger and mean streak. He can be so brutal.

My hubby comes home for a visit again, tomorrow night. I am happy but the sadness overrides it. That is one of the problems, he doesn't live here anymore. He hasn't for a very long time. Even when he is here or when we were more together he wasn't really here much either. It is hard to explain. I love him, I love my kids. Love isn't the problem.

I don't know what to do anymore. I will make it through this, I will. But why?

Why do I get so wound up and frazzled up like this?

I wish I knew, but then again I don't. I don't want to know anymore. Will I publish this? Perhaps.

I know my daughter can't "snap" out of it anymore then I can. She has her good and bad moments as do I. I keep telling myself that tomorrow is another day, another chance to "do".

I will try to go sleep and will see another day. Tomorrow.

Thanks for listening as always. TTYAL.