I am trying to figure out where I am today. Who I am... I am still working on, every single day. Is this why I am so tired?
I have to laugh. Everything has been so serious lately. It does drive me a bit nutty. I hate the superficial small talk and mumbo-jumbo of the world. There are times when it serves a purpose, but I am at my limit right now. So many people all agreeing and hanging out with their own "kind". I am not talking about any one particular group. It is just groups and groups and groups of people who all say the same things.
I am so different than I was a year ago, or the year before that. I do learn something new and try to incorporate it into being me. I haven't enjoyed my lessons in life lately. It has been very painful figuring out that I was way more messed up than I thought I was.
The pats on my back for this and that mean nothing at this point. I can't seem to break free of my newest addiction. In fact, I am being sucked into more and more. I say I have changed, and I did. I have, but I have been feeling so stuck lately. I would like to break free of it. The fact that I know this is a crutch or escape from reality doesn't help much. Knowing is not the same as doing.
I am hoping our upcoming move will be for the better. I am trying not to jinx myself. Worrying about things doesn't help. It does feel like it is all hanging there a bit. One false move and the avalanche will come cascading down. I would prefer to be out of the way. Really.
Yesterday my daughter was in full-blown freak out mode where she refuses to talk or do anything. I did keep my patience better than I used to. It is very difficult. She doesn't want to perform for her upcoming piano recital. *Sigh, I haven't quite given up on her doing this, but I suppose I may have to. I think she is missing a very good opportunity. She thinks of it as another stressor or a change-up that she doesn't want to deal with.
So then what? I am getting used to my husband being gone again these past few days. I feel like I am in a grief process(anger, denial, bargaining..). It it annoying and hurtful. Yesterday and the day before it was an emotional disaster. The titanic kind of depression that just gets worse and worse. I am okay, now for a bit.Yeah!
I am hoping my acceptance or calmness I am experiencing now flows over into tomorrow. God's love? Yes, I'll even call it that.
Am I saying anything that makes sense here? I hate when people ramble on about what is important to them but, really isn't to anyone else. I did face up to my loneliness yesterday. I went to physical therapy and then out to lunch. There was three rambunctious toddlers tearing up the place. I had to laugh as the moms really didn't see the worst of it. The energy and joy were sweet. The bonus that they weren't my kids was even better.
I had a way older guy that keep smiling at me, he was with another lady. His smile was nice, but also a bit creepy. I am not sure why. I did manage to get my coupons ready for tomorrow's shopping. I used my time to soak up some of the people energy in the place. They were busy. It did help, it sounds strange as you think I would feel more isolated than less. I have to remind myself that it isn't all about me. It was better than being home alone. I did end up going home, and it was a comfort for Jack the puppy and me.
He feels the absence of my hubby too. He knows we are all upset. He acts like a bit of a goof at first and then starts mellowing out. My son gets very clingy and crabby. My daughter(aha) shuts down and regresses. Now I understand more. I think.
Shower time and then groceries, I have boo-hooed enough. I told a friend I need to start living my own life again. I feel clueless today.
I am not writing this so you feel sorry for me, I don't want your pity. I am not writing it for your approval either. I do hope you get something out of it. For me, it is a release. Getting all my angst out on paper(screen) helps me to deal with it. It makes it seem more tangible and not so overwhelming.
Thanks for listening as always. I really do need to get moving here. I hope you approach your levels with patience, understanding and love today. Every bit of good we bring into this world does not go to waste.
I own no rights to the above song, music, lyrics or video. TTYAL
I have to laugh. Everything has been so serious lately. It does drive me a bit nutty. I hate the superficial small talk and mumbo-jumbo of the world. There are times when it serves a purpose, but I am at my limit right now. So many people all agreeing and hanging out with their own "kind". I am not talking about any one particular group. It is just groups and groups and groups of people who all say the same things.
I am so different than I was a year ago, or the year before that. I do learn something new and try to incorporate it into being me. I haven't enjoyed my lessons in life lately. It has been very painful figuring out that I was way more messed up than I thought I was.
The pats on my back for this and that mean nothing at this point. I can't seem to break free of my newest addiction. In fact, I am being sucked into more and more. I say I have changed, and I did. I have, but I have been feeling so stuck lately. I would like to break free of it. The fact that I know this is a crutch or escape from reality doesn't help much. Knowing is not the same as doing.
I am hoping our upcoming move will be for the better. I am trying not to jinx myself. Worrying about things doesn't help. It does feel like it is all hanging there a bit. One false move and the avalanche will come cascading down. I would prefer to be out of the way. Really.
Yesterday my daughter was in full-blown freak out mode where she refuses to talk or do anything. I did keep my patience better than I used to. It is very difficult. She doesn't want to perform for her upcoming piano recital. *Sigh, I haven't quite given up on her doing this, but I suppose I may have to. I think she is missing a very good opportunity. She thinks of it as another stressor or a change-up that she doesn't want to deal with.
So then what? I am getting used to my husband being gone again these past few days. I feel like I am in a grief process(anger, denial, bargaining..). It it annoying and hurtful. Yesterday and the day before it was an emotional disaster. The titanic kind of depression that just gets worse and worse. I am okay, now for a bit.Yeah!
I am hoping my acceptance or calmness I am experiencing now flows over into tomorrow. God's love? Yes, I'll even call it that.
Am I saying anything that makes sense here? I hate when people ramble on about what is important to them but, really isn't to anyone else. I did face up to my loneliness yesterday. I went to physical therapy and then out to lunch. There was three rambunctious toddlers tearing up the place. I had to laugh as the moms really didn't see the worst of it. The energy and joy were sweet. The bonus that they weren't my kids was even better.
I had a way older guy that keep smiling at me, he was with another lady. His smile was nice, but also a bit creepy. I am not sure why. I did manage to get my coupons ready for tomorrow's shopping. I used my time to soak up some of the people energy in the place. They were busy. It did help, it sounds strange as you think I would feel more isolated than less. I have to remind myself that it isn't all about me. It was better than being home alone. I did end up going home, and it was a comfort for Jack the puppy and me.
He feels the absence of my hubby too. He knows we are all upset. He acts like a bit of a goof at first and then starts mellowing out. My son gets very clingy and crabby. My daughter(aha) shuts down and regresses. Now I understand more. I think.
Shower time and then groceries, I have boo-hooed enough. I told a friend I need to start living my own life again. I feel clueless today.
I am not writing this so you feel sorry for me, I don't want your pity. I am not writing it for your approval either. I do hope you get something out of it. For me, it is a release. Getting all my angst out on paper(screen) helps me to deal with it. It makes it seem more tangible and not so overwhelming.
Thanks for listening as always. I really do need to get moving here. I hope you approach your levels with patience, understanding and love today. Every bit of good we bring into this world does not go to waste.
I own no rights to the above song, music, lyrics or video. TTYAL
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