I have been thinking. LOL, no, that isn't as ominous as it could be. I do love my aha moments when I figure something out. Even if the knowledge isn't something I want to know or accept. I have always hated being thought of as dumb. I don't think anyone enjoys that feeling. I learned early on to use my hair color as a defense. People do stereotype, whether consciously or not. Dumb blonde jokes worked in my favor, I could act like an airhead and people would laugh. I still do it. Yes, at times it isn't an act. I really don't have a clue, other times, hmm..
I was considered a "brain" in school, though not always. I still have problems with regular math. I loved algebra, calculus, and even statistics when I was able to wrap my mind around it. I hated doing proofs in geometry, but loved angles, shapes, graphing. I managed to figure out computer programming for a while, in machine code. It gave me extreme headaches. Ugh, I couldn't do any of that now, not without a full refresher course. Concepts? I loved learning..and still do.
I liked competing in school with other kids when I did well. High school was better than grade school, College was even better. I still thought I was stupid. My siblings are all exceptionally bright and successful, without my fuzziness. They all got degrees in science and engineering. I never graduated from college, even though I ended up going to four different places. I had too many "issues" that caught up to me. I am laughing, they are still catching up to me.
The "real" world taught me so many other things besides "book smarts." I was always amazed at other people's special gifts. Common sense isn't as common as you would think, the bonus is you can learn it. Learning how to socialize with folks was a huge challenge for me, and still can be. I am still so far ahead of my daughter, this is the most damning part of Asperger's. I hurt for her, as not only is she considered strange and weird, she can't understand what other's are saying and meaning. She is ostracized, knows it, and tries to deal with it. Right now, it is withdrawing into herself and shutting down. It is so sad and heart breaking.
She is also a royal pain in the butt at times, too. This does not make life any easier for her, her family, school and anyone who knows her.
I secretly envy other people's special skills. My daughter's musical ability, my husband's natural coordination and fix-it ability, my son's skill at making friends, my girlfriends sense of fashion, something about everyone. I am happy for them and wish, but have learned to just be happy. There are talents that can be honed and learned, there are also unique gifts that are given to everyone. Some of these get better or even more astounding with practise and work. Other skills are just a part of who you are. I have a super sense of smell that is not particularly a blessing. It is getting even sharper again since I quit smoking. I am glad that my family loves me as I do complain a lot. Everything smells. Really.
The point to all of the above...my therapist made a comment that I have too much respect and courage for myself to lower my standards of certain things. Wow, really? I was stunned, what a compliment. Also, how true. I worked very hard to gain a measure of self-worth against the odds. I am who I am, and thank God it isn't perfect, but it is mighty fine.
My level, my place of where I am at now is a wonderful place to be at. I am sure self-doubt and despair will creep back. I know it and expect it. It may even engulf me, but I know there is another side to it. It isn't forever.
My challenge is to look in the mirror and say "Hi, there good-looking, how's it going?" every day for a week. It really surprises me how it makes me smile and gives me the nice flush of warmth. Woo-hoo!
Thanks for listening to me as always, ttyal. "You make me smile.."
I own no rights to the song, video or lyrics..they are Uncle Cracker's. Love them though, and this song too.
I was considered a "brain" in school, though not always. I still have problems with regular math. I loved algebra, calculus, and even statistics when I was able to wrap my mind around it. I hated doing proofs in geometry, but loved angles, shapes, graphing. I managed to figure out computer programming for a while, in machine code. It gave me extreme headaches. Ugh, I couldn't do any of that now, not without a full refresher course. Concepts? I loved learning..and still do.
I liked competing in school with other kids when I did well. High school was better than grade school, College was even better. I still thought I was stupid. My siblings are all exceptionally bright and successful, without my fuzziness. They all got degrees in science and engineering. I never graduated from college, even though I ended up going to four different places. I had too many "issues" that caught up to me. I am laughing, they are still catching up to me.
The "real" world taught me so many other things besides "book smarts." I was always amazed at other people's special gifts. Common sense isn't as common as you would think, the bonus is you can learn it. Learning how to socialize with folks was a huge challenge for me, and still can be. I am still so far ahead of my daughter, this is the most damning part of Asperger's. I hurt for her, as not only is she considered strange and weird, she can't understand what other's are saying and meaning. She is ostracized, knows it, and tries to deal with it. Right now, it is withdrawing into herself and shutting down. It is so sad and heart breaking.
She is also a royal pain in the butt at times, too. This does not make life any easier for her, her family, school and anyone who knows her.
I secretly envy other people's special skills. My daughter's musical ability, my husband's natural coordination and fix-it ability, my son's skill at making friends, my girlfriends sense of fashion, something about everyone. I am happy for them and wish, but have learned to just be happy. There are talents that can be honed and learned, there are also unique gifts that are given to everyone. Some of these get better or even more astounding with practise and work. Other skills are just a part of who you are. I have a super sense of smell that is not particularly a blessing. It is getting even sharper again since I quit smoking. I am glad that my family loves me as I do complain a lot. Everything smells. Really.
The point to all of the above...my therapist made a comment that I have too much respect and courage for myself to lower my standards of certain things. Wow, really? I was stunned, what a compliment. Also, how true. I worked very hard to gain a measure of self-worth against the odds. I am who I am, and thank God it isn't perfect, but it is mighty fine.
My level, my place of where I am at now is a wonderful place to be at. I am sure self-doubt and despair will creep back. I know it and expect it. It may even engulf me, but I know there is another side to it. It isn't forever.
My challenge is to look in the mirror and say "Hi, there good-looking, how's it going?" every day for a week. It really surprises me how it makes me smile and gives me the nice flush of warmth. Woo-hoo!
Thanks for listening to me as always, ttyal. "You make me smile.."
I own no rights to the song, video or lyrics..they are Uncle Cracker's. Love them though, and this song too.
To make mistakes is human; to stumble is commonplace; to be able to laugh at yourself is maturity.-Unknown
I am so mature now..lolol.
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