It is just a game we play...

LOLOL..love it :-)

It is weird. My throat hurts, and I crave a smoke, blah. Whew, I don't smoke any more. I am sure you are tired of me saying this. I have to say it at least once a day, still. I smoked for over 30 years, every day. I have now quit for over 6 months, woo-hoo.

My throat is killing me because I have strep throat. So does my daughter, we are both on antibiotics, now. My son is still okay. My hubby says he is fine also.  He is on his way home driving today. I feel bad about his 11 hour drive. I can't do it as it involves swirling around mountains. I have severe vertigo, nausea, phobia. I don't know, I know I am not the only one. The panic that overwhelms me is similar to the fear you get when you are stuck underwater and can't get a breath. I still have that fear, even though I love to dive. So I dive and do as best as I can to surface before I panic. I am not a great swimmer, but I love to be in the water. Driving through mountain passes, it isn't like I can shut my eyes till I reach the bottom or top again. It freaks me out!

Facing fears.

I have tried to force myself to do this all my life. Some things were easy, others became easier with habit. So many fears...so many I still haven't faced up to yet. When I first started my journey of turning and looking into my past, my friend at the time told me I had to be ready to face my monsters. Yes. Some of this has been easy, others easier the more I face it. Others I have not faced yet. I know they are there, but I also know I am not ready for them all at once. Baby steps, and yes, that is from the movie, "What about Bob?"

I read, and experiment and force myself to do.

My kids?

They keep me going, piss me off, make me laugh, cry and scare me to death. I never expected to be a parent. I never really thought I would be married, either. Over 40? LOLOL, so not. I am still in a shock about that at times. I miss my job. I miss people, friends, neighbors, customers even. I miss my hubby so much. I shouldn't be this lonely.

I am sorry. I feel like I am saying the same things I have said before. I hate repeating myself, even when it is important. I am trying to learn how to forgive. Forgive the people who have harmed me, regardless, and myself. I don't think we realize how much damage we do to ourselves. Words do have power.

I have gotten quite a bit done today, though never as much as I hope or expect to. I try to not let this discourage me. I am still so tired all the time. I hate it. I feel like I am sleepwalking through my life, some times.

I have had two theories of thought going around. "One is that we could die any moment. The past is over, the future hasn't happened and today is a gift, that is why it is called the present. Live each day as if it is your last." It is true, but it also bothered me. I wasn't even sure why either. I finally found the other side to it. It was that "yes, you may die tomorrow but for most of us, we won't. The decisions and choices we are making now are what we have to live with in 10, 20, 30..etc. years down the road. Choose wisely."

 How to reconcile both? I am grateful for every day I wake up. I am also aware that my time is limited, it is getting to be on the shorter half, not the longer. I am planning with my family now for that future and it is needing help, but I am getting there. One way or the other..


Thanks for listening. TTYAL, love, peace, health, and prosperity to you all. Have a smile as your armour for the day, and see how bright it becomes.