Once is never enough..

It is already late, I slept for a little bit and then couldn't. My mind is racing over so many things. Christmas, my daughter, my son, my hubby, the puppy. I overdid it a bit today. I went to see my therapist, which went well. I just feel frustrated. Their isn't any easy answers. It is an ongoing daily commitment to stay on track. I know that it is okay to fall off too, or deviate a bit. I just have to keep my focus of what is important to me. A part of me is shocked and dismayed that I want to sabotage my own happiness, life. Another part just nods sadly, another part laughs and say uh-huh, duh.

The overdoing part was more physical, I haven't been in the car that long for awhile. I over ate for lunch, and then took the dog for a walk. I then did coupons and went grocery shopping with my hubby. He did very well until the end. I did put items up on the belt. I also helped throw a few bags in the car. That was more than enough. It isn't painful like last time more of a nauseated cramping. I am feeling much better now that I am chilling.

Tomorrow, I need to get my calendar organized with appointments and concerts and my hubby's schedule. I need to make the puppy an appointment, make an appointment for physical therapy and hmmm..set-up a monitoring system for my kid's homework. S**t, I am going to need a new calendar too. So many things to set-up and do. It still helps so much to have my husband home. It is going to be very difficult when he leaves this time. I am not going to think about that now. I'll cry when I get there.

I have read so many good articles and blogs lately. So much to think about and digest. I have more articles about Asperger's to read. I am trying to do better with my menu. I need to work on improving my kid's diets and work ethics. I also need to find some inexpensive fun, away from the house. So much to do..I don't know. I am NOT stressing. I am just a bit shaky. There is a big difference. My addictions are chilling a bit. Too much pain and sadness down that road. I have decided to not play that game anymore.

Easy to say (laugh here) but it requires concentration and a lot of humor. I have to be able to step back, give myself a pat, kick, hug, smooch, laugh depending on what I have done. I realize not everyone is going to love me or like me even. Hard to believe, right? I have got to LET IT GO. Lies, smoke and desires that wrap up into one big ball of what? Mental anxiety and anguish?? The hard part is realizing I have been enjoying the intensity of the emotions and feeding them into a frenzy. Pain has its own power. I have to say I am done and keep the door shut. There are people who are not good for me.

I would have preferred the truth.

I got to go catch some zz's now and will look this over and publish it in the morning or afternoon. Thanks for listening. TTYAL.

I am adding that I wrote this a couple of days ago. I have been trying to think of some music, pictures, or quote to go with it. I am thinking fire. You only have to get burned once to realize getting burned hurts. Then why do we get burned more than once in our lives? Really? We use fire for its for warmth, comfort, light, necessity at times. I can be a mesmerizing force, we "forget" and get "careless". Pain, physical, emotional, spiritual all wake us up and say hey, what are you doing?

What am I doing? I smile. Getting healthier.

and moving on..jing-a-ling-ling

Some things shouldn't bother me but, they do. Currently, I am still healing. I feel really ok and then move wrong or do something stupid and am reminded that I just had internal organs removed. I have been very very tired and have the worst heartburn in my life. I also can just take a couple of bites of food and that is it. I can't swallow any more. This has happened before. I lost a lot of weight the last time I went through that. Who knows? That would be a bonus.

I know I am a hypochondriac. Really. I do laugh here. I have also have had a lot of things wrong with me, too. The night in the hospital, my blood pressure dropped any time I rolled over and fell asleep. The nurses said it was because the the monitors couldn't get a good reading. They would sit me up, oxygenate me and then get a better reading. I also blew an IV. No surprise there. I am glad the hospital night is over. I have had too many of those. None were fun, or good.

I am still not in a holiday mood. Nope. I can appreciate that other's are. It actually makes me feel better to see them enjoy it. I love Christmas lights, cookies and homemade goodies. I used to go carolling. I was always in some kind of production somewhere. For a few years me and my sister would attempt the Messiah. Beautiful music, I smoked too many years to even attempt it now. When I worked at a coffee shop/bookstore, we got the loan of a baby grand piano. I drove my co-worker's insane by playing the Nutcracker Ballet CD over and over. Way fun!

When I waitressed I started wearing Jingle Bells. It ended up being more for me than others. It is hard to be truly and fully crabby when you jing-a-ling-ling every time you move. That was another one that drove my co-workers nuts, too. I miss them, we worked but had fun. I fought with people too, and I don't know. The work was always there. You had to do what you could to keep going.

I love having Christmas with my kids, at the same time that it makes me nervous and uptight. I am not in a hopeful mood this year. Mark will be back in Utah, and me and the kids? I really don't know. I have a few ideas for presents for the kids and Mark. Me? I don't know what I want. Which means I am probably not going to get it. I have dreams, desires, but so much of it is mixed up and upside down at the present.

I should have called my dad for his 81st birthday yesterday. I talked myself out of it. Not as brave as I like to believe. I shouldn't have sworn and threatened my daughter this morning after repeated attempts to get her out of bed. I lost it. It was very ugly. She went to bed an hour earlier tonight. We shall see tomorrow. I enjoyed the time with my son tonight. He is so scared and is trying not to be. He knows things are right, and is looking for love and security. My husband got drunk and went to bed. That happens every night. I should go put blankets on my plants tonight, my desert is going to freeze.

I need to go to bed. I don't want to. I have been dreaming so much lately. I could remember more of them if I tried to. No. Tonight, I wish I had the power to make dreams come true for other's. Heal the sick..there is a lot of medical issues so many of my friends and families face. There is a certain baby girl, a cousin, a friend's husband, so many friends. To help a couple that have split up, reconcile. I am not going to start bringing back people from the dead, or wishing for it. That is just too creepy. I do wish the ones who grieve, find peace at least for a while. To be able to erase every one's pain for I am not sure how long. It would feel wonderful. I pray instead, knowing I don't have the "magic" or answers. I don't even have the whole picture.

"Fate determines who enters your life, but your actions decides who stay."

That's the truth, I am glad I have you all. It may be just a whimsy of my over active loopy mind, I don't think so though. I feel you all as a warm emotional snuggly blanket. It is exceptional and I am not explaining it as well as I should.  I love it. Thanks for listening..TTYAL.

 I will ask the kids tonight about decorating. We shall see. D**n, now I have Christmas music running through my head.

I am..

Wow, my surgery is done, all over and I have been home for a day and a 1/2 now. I have to say I have had very little to almost no pain, except for a headache. My sinuses are killing me. They keep the air in hospitals dry on purpose. It is supposed to reduce germ growth. Okay, but aargh..

I am done whining on that issue. I can find a few more. Jack is barking loud as my neighbor and my hubby are in the garage. Hush, dog. This is not helping my headache at all. That's better. He is over on my lap now. He is such a ferocious scaredy-cat. lol.

I am tired, have been tired and have been asleep for the last 3 days. My hubby has been awesome. He's been doing laundry non-stop and cleaning. I am going to fall asleep again, in a bit.

I got into a "fight?" the night before my surgery on Facebook. What a troll. She kept attacking me personally, while not supporting anything she was talking about. I HATE fanatics of any kind, smart or dumb. I'd rather talk to a drunk, who is loaded. At least they have a probability of passing out. I finally figured out how to block her. On the plus side, it did help me through the night.

I had another "friend" tell me I was rude. I didn't even know what he was talking about. When I did I was very upset. Now? LOL, no more. Congrats to him, and his family, I am sure I can find friends who actually mean what they say. Wow, already have those. I don't consider myself blameless, for some reason that friend always made me blab. My non-stop messaging and commenting in the past would have driven anyone to retaliate. My apologies? No, I didn't do anything wrong "this time" to say sorry for.

It has been one crazy "effed" up year. I have managed to make it, so far. A couple more weeks to go. I am keeping my thoughts light and easy on this blog today. I will get more serious, deep and moody some other time. I am going back to sleep.

TTYAL, and thanks for reading as always.

To be at peace, your opinion of yourself must outweigh the assumptions of others about who you are. It is a conscious decision that their words no longer have the ability to keep you down. - Dodinsky

yep..lol. G'night.




I have no rights to the above song or lyrics, this blog is not for commercial gain.

You have a right to be here.

I am done. Today has gone from bad to worse. I am not feeling sorry for myself. Or maybe I am. I don't know.

On the positive side, my hubby is home. I am alive. I have very dear friends, virtual and real. I have my kids, dog, house. I have so many wonderful things in my life.

Then why am I sitting here crying and typing? I am human, I feel, I hurt. Rejection and abandonment hit me harder than most, according to my old therapist. I try to hide it. Now I blog about it. It shouldn't matter at all. Not one little bit, but it does. Too many wrong things today. I feel like a schmuck.

My surgery is tomorrow morning. There is a part of me that hopes I never wake up. I really do not like who I am sometimes. There is another part of me that is already ruing the pain. It is hard to explain, I have had too many operations already. Recovery and healing hurt in their own unique way.

Another part of me is scared to death, will this really help anything? I don't know. My surgeries have gone  wrong before. Or didn't fix anything. I am also scared that I won't wake up. Who will take care of my kids, my husband, my friends and family, my puppy? I do not want them to grieve, knowing they would.

Writing this is helping. I am feeling more at peace. I can feel the absurdity of my emotional state now. Yes, in other words, I can laugh at myself tripping out. Whew! I am much much better. Thanks to all of you and my "God" too.

I am going to get some sleep now. I have to be up really early. Thanks for listening.

This was a poem I read as a kid, it was set to piano music, my sister didn't like it so she never played it. I always thought of it as the hippy mantra. I thought everyone had read it or heard of it.

Desiderata 
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. 

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let not this blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.


--- Max Ehrmann, 1927

Strive to be happy.

It is a beautiful poem. The last two verses were always my favorite. Last quote..

‎"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe." Einstein?

I will still be around to mess things up, it is ok. It is where I am supposed to be.

"Make babies or make art"

We celebrated my son's birthday today, which was good and bad. I wasn't prepared. I have been so tired. I can think of a dozen more excuses. He invited friends over at 12..yikes. I got to meet one of the mother's. Awesome! She stayed with the boys while I went to the store and got pizzas and a card, and a cake, plus a few other things. The boys played videos and a violent game of hide-and seek, some left and came back, others came. We had a bonfire outside and made s'mores. I think everyone kind of burnt out early.

None of the boys stayed for an overnighter, some had a choice. Most didn't. Max had a bit of a meltdown but was then ok. I have to admit I am secretly glad they didn't stay. I am exhausted. I know I would have more energy and feel better if I keep moving. I am not doing very well with that at all. I have been sleeping on-and-off again. I ate a healthy salad yesterday and just about killed everybody with gas attacks today. So embarrassing. No, that isn't why the boys didn't stay. Funny. LOL

I am still feeling the warmth and glow from my last post. So much positivity! I am back down-to-earth more today. My Mom sent me a whole box of hmmm.. some are pictures which I mostly have. Some our paper printed copies, which really don't do me a whole lot of good. The rest was a collection of letters I wrote over a period of about 5 years to friends and pen pals, etc. The rest is a collection of letters I think from my Grandma Swenson. I never met her or my aunt either. I have talked to my cousin on (yes) Facebook. My brother has met her and was very close at one time.

 Our family was always strange, my Dad's mom and him didn't see each other for my entire life, at least. They only talked a couple of times that I knew of. My dad's brother showed up when I was in High school after a fifty year something absence. Both of my grandma's had passed on by then. My uncle and my aunt from my dad's side were next. Both of my grandpa's died before I was born.

I admit I am kind of rambling here. My thoughts seem to be all fragmented and jumbled and I feel very strange. I am straight, but I am not feeling so good. Too much sugar, I don't know. I have made an uneasy peace with certain things, which one friend told me was BS. His words were that you either have peace or you don't. I guess I don't. This is a sad thought. I told him and myself that it was the best I could do, accept it for what it was.

I have found that talking about my struggles out in the open has opened up a lot of people to me. They have shared a little bit of their stories. None of which I have any inclination or permission of repeating here. It is just heart-warming to know that I am not alone with my struggles. Other's face challenges, some  physically obvious..so many that are not. The stigma of mental illness is alive and well. Not too many years back, I could have been lobotomised, or at the very least scorned or locked away. In a few  countries I would or could be stoned to the death. Woman rights? I love America. There is other countries that have done as well or better. We still haven't had a woman president, yet. I have hope, there is so many intelligent and capable ladies out there.

A poem by Robert Zimmerman sung by Bob Dylan

I have no rights to the lyrics or quote..thanks to a friend for posting it.

I have done all of the above at one time or another...it ends well <3 tripping on life.
Thanks for listening, ttyal..levels? see above...

Happy, happy, joy, joy.

I am tired, but I am feeling better than I have in a long while. I keep saying that parts of me keep floating back or resurfacing. Ka-ching! Another piece falls into place. I love Thanksgiving. What's not to love, friends, family and home-made food?  A time to say thanks for what we have, and give of our spirit and love. It conjures up the Norman Rockwell picture of the big turkey and the extended table full of relatives and friends. Just beautiful.

Arizona sun

When you don't have any of that it stings a lot. Trust me. I have been there. I had many times in my life where I preferred working than being at home or church. When I didn't have that excuse, I showed up as wasted as I possibly could, so I didn't have to deal with the reality. My aunts and uncles on my Mom's side threw a wonderful feast. Some of the best food, snacks, desserts I have ever had. It was complete and total  boredom for a shy abused kid from a very strange family. There was a couple of holiday years I spent completely alone. One of my favorite memories was with my two girlfriends,other friends, my hubby and cats. lol. My husband and I started going to his parent's house in Iowa. Wow, pretty good times. What a concept.

I had kids, and then ended up working again for all holidays. It made the celebration difficult sometimes when you are dogged tired, either from a shift that day or the night before. Having kids adds a whole other dimension good and bad. Anybody that has traveled with kids knows what I mean. o-m-g. Then, my husband started being the one working, out of town. I don't think I have celebrated Thanksgiving on Thanksgiving day in years..it ends up being a weekly thing. Which is kind of sweet.

November also cracks me up because it is THAT month. Every family has one. The month when most everyone decided to get married, be born and possibly pass away in. My mom, sister, husband, son, nephews, nieces, friends..lol. It is a trip. I don't even think about Christmas until December. I wish I could say I celebrated all of those birthdays, but no. My son's ended up being the one I need to concentrate on. He turns 12 in a couple of days. Everyone says they grow so fast. Yes, they do.

Mentally, spiritually, emotionally so far it has been lovely. I will have other days that twist me up in knots. which you will get to hear about.  Not today. Today, I am so thankful to be alive, to feel the sunshine. I love my husband and miss him. Grateful for my kids and the stinky puppy on my lap. He has been a total snoozer  all day. I am also thankful for my Facebook family and friends who have helped me all year. I am also thankful to other family and friends dear to my heart. Wow," love, love, love." They had a point. It really does feel good. "all together now..all you need is love"

Smoke-free, drug-free, sober..and in control for the day. I probably should go take a shower. lol. Thanks for listening as always, ttyl. Don't be alone, you aren't, reach out however you can. I say a prayer for you all, that this wonderful warm happiness I am feeling can infuse through everyone else. My level today..thanks to God and all of you.


"Happy, happy, joy, joy" from Disney's The Lion King. "Hakuna Matata for today"

Mirror, mirror..

Why do I blog? I am being very regular at it again. Is this another obsession? Could be. I hate thinking that, but really there is positive addictions in my life also. I am addicted to breathing. LOL I can't seem to help that one. The bonus is I am breathing better now than I have in years and years. I still get weird achy chest pains, but less and less. I can take a full breath now without wheezing, coughing or feeling like I am choking. I am still smoke-free. It still can be a struggle.

This is not the blog where I talk about smoking, another day, another time. I am sure I will get back to it. One of the reasons I gave up pot, finally..I couldn't inhale without coughing uncontrollably. It was beyond embarrassing. The last time I smoked it was a mistake, and I knew it at the time. I was uncomfortable, the people I was with were edgy. It really was a negative experience. I did enjoy the buzz that night..I mixed it with booze too. The next day I was so hung it was beyond belief. ugh.

You would think I would learn. LOL I avoid it, now. I still miss it and it has been years. It was years before that the last time. I hate alcohol. I have talked about that before. I can still be dumb enough to drink it, the bonus now is I can stop. There is always a place inside of me that wants to be numb, spaced out, high or gone. I have met many people over the years..addicts of all stripes and flavors. Some in recovery programs, some not. Some people were functional, it worked for them. Others, no, not even close. Other people did like I did. For whatever reason they stopped using or found something else to replace it with. I saw a lot of religious types, do-gooders, crafters, dare-devils, parents..LOL. etc. Anything can become an addiction.

I admit I am lonely and alone. I can prefer time to myself. In other moments I 'd rather be with folks, having fun, listening, being a friend, acquaintance, co-worker, whichever. Balance? I have been so out of kilter. I spend way way too much time alone. It gets me into trouble. My husband uses beer to self-medicate his loneliness. I keep switching back and forth between one thing and another and another. Whew! So not good.

I knew a lot of this without knowing. I knew without a doubt that I had depression and major depression at that. That is something I have struggled with on and off with all my life and still will be after this blog. I don't want to go back and unlearn anything. I just. I don't know. Self-knowledge can really suck. LOL, really. Holding up the mirror and asking, "what do you see?"

Therapy, I wish it was faster and fool-proof and not as scary as it can be at times. Am I am still wishing for the magic wand or magic person to save me? Crap.

It has been hard hard work to get back to where I am at now. I never got to escape, I never got to run away. It is still circling around inside me. I take it with me where ever I go. The problem is facing it, knowing it and not letting it win or control me. Nope.

Life isn't fair, never has been.. never will be.

I am done whining about my angst today. Another day, another time I can feel sorry for myself. I am looking in the mirror. It is so far from perfect. lol. The fairest? In the fable, it meant beauty. I think everyone has inner and outer beauty. We do "judge" people by appearance. We do. Think of all the people you come into contact with every day. Some days maybe you don't see a soul all day..depending on where you live, work, play. For the most part, I can say you are going to see people. If you had a deep one-on-one meaningful relationship(not sexual) with everyone you met for one day, hmm..how would that make you feel?

 Now what if that happened to all the people you met all week, month, year? You would lose your mind.

It was from the book "Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell or "The Tipping Point" not sure which one. He brings up the fact that to protect ourselves we don't look too closely at strangers. That our mind makes an instant judgement and then moves on. He explained it much better than I can. This is one reason why eye-witness accounts are so messed up. Everybody sees an event from their viewpoint. Police, military and other professions are trained to get past that blankness and remember details. I am absolutely terrible at it.

My hubby is home for a few days. I am tired so I am going to call it a night. I just wonder what you see when you look in the mirror. Is is what you want? Are you okay with it?  What about inside your soul? Does it shine or glow? I don't think I am beautiful, in the physical modern sense of the word. I have come to accept a lot of my physical flaws and be comfortable with who I am. I have gained 10 lbs already by quitting smoking. This really pisses me off. Sorry. Fair? That I am, that is something I work on and try to nurture. I do care about the people I care about. I don't always remember names and faces, but I love the stories, unforgettable. I remember a little old lady telling me she loved my smile. I still smile thinking about it 30 years later.

Thanks for listening as always. TTYAL, I have to get some sleep. No songs, quotes, or pictures today. I may add some later.