"I'm not Angry, I'm just.."

I need a new life..or to improve the one I have.

This past couple of weeks has been full of disasters. The bombing at the Boston marathon, the explosion in West Texas, the flooding, rain and snow in the Mid-West, and the earthquake in China. There is a few other ones that I didn't mention or don't know about. The deaths, maimings, damage makes me sad, whether manmade or a natural occurrence.

There was a book I read once where the main character has had horribly tragic things happen, and is upset to realize that the sun still rises. That while her entire life has been forever altered, the world still goes on. It does.

For me, I feel like a schmuck. I have so many resources and opportunities available to me. I don't use the majority of any of them but instead moan about boredom, housework, kids, marriage. It seems all so trivial, but this is my life. The life I made through the choices I made and still keep making.

Most of life really isn't all that exciting.

Or at least mine isn't. I am laughing here a bit. I tend to find myself amusing. My son points out that I laugh at things all the time that aren't funny. I retort with the fact that it all depends on how you look at it.

I am still bored. Sorry.

I am having up and downs with my new eating patterns, the no-gluten rule is very difficult. I miss my fluffy white carbohydrates. I love cake, pie, bread, rolls, cookies, muffins, and chocolate. Not having my soda and drinking water instead, okay. I crave it at times, but *sigh. It isn't good for me.

I broke out in this horribly itchy rash all over my chin and going down my neck. I actually went to a doctor to try to figure out what it was. No luck on a diagnosis, but the medicated creme worked, so wahoo! The doctor telling me that the best solution to my overly-sensitive skin was to move back to Sweden or Europe where the bulk of my ancestors come from? Okay, hah-hah funny, but really not so helpful.

Levels..hmm. I have managed not to strangle either of my children or shoot anyone.(This is a joke, kind of.) I haven't bombed anyone either. Why? Why would you want to do that? It makes absolutely no freaking sense to me.

I have hated people, but wow. Or maybe it isn't hate but an indifference. To intentionally try to harm folks that you don't even know seems pointless. To cause fear? I think all terrorists, hmm.. no. I don't want to know the answer to that.

Spring started happening here and then took a backslide. It is back on track now, so I am planting again. It is so nice to have a garden. I love flowers of all kinds, and fresh grown fruits and vegetables are unsurpassed. I am not a great gardener. I tend to just plant, water, pray, fertilize and hope. It always seem like a small miracle when the plants actually do grow and thrive. I try very hard to not take it personally when they don't.

I have steps to take, and every day I try to keep "doing" towards my goals. Some days are phenomenal, others are ..not so much. My life, my choices, it isn't so bad after all.

Thanks for listening to me ramble. I still don't understand why I enjoy writing these, but I am glad that I do have an audience. I'll try to post a song and upload a picture. I pray that you all have at least one beautiful day, it doesn't really change anything. It changes everything.

 This is Second Chance by Shinedown, I am sure I have played it before, it is one of those forever songs that resonates with me. I don't have any ownership rights or any permissions to use the music or lyrics, so they will probably block it.

TTYAL.

Spring has ..

My kids are on Easter break, or Spring break whatever you want to call it. It is one of my least favorite holidays. The only really good part of it is chocolate, which I have to be very careful about. I used to hate eggs, cooked any kind of way. My sister would always insist on dying some. I would then be forced into eating them at some point.
Hard-boiled is still not my favorite.

We never ever got an Easter basket full of anything that I can remember. We always spent that Sunday at church and then would go to one of my aunt's house. This was always extremely boring for a kid. My relatives were sweet, but thought all of us were strange. Which we were, we didn't actually fit in anywhere. Since it was a Sabbath day even if the weather was nice we weren't allowed to go play. We were dressed in our church clothes, mostly all we did was watch the tv and eat. My cousins always had on Moses and the Ten Commandments with Yul Bryner. I never understood why really. We also took any chocolate we could find out of our cousin's baskets which I am sure now they weren't probably too happy about.

I spent Easter this year with friends, most of whom I have just recently met. It was sweet. One of the ladies had invested in colored plastic eggs and candy and had made up almost 200 eggs. All of the adults went around outside hiding them and then the three kids went to go search. It was fun. We had great food, friends, family, games and laughter. I think this is how every holiday should be.

tree buds..Spring!

My kids go back to school tomorrow which I am grateful for. I have been on a very thin edge of frustration lately. I was watching a tv show for about a month, maybe. I was streaming it from Netflix which drove my family nuts as I was using the majority of the bandwidth. Ha! I realize it is an addictive obsession, as I watched episode after episode with no breaks or ads. It is a way for me to be here but not. It is also much easier on your liver and doesn't add calories.

The problem is the same as any addiction. It takes over everything else. I neglect any chores to the barest minimum, don't sleep much and don't exercise. I also get "tetchy" when interrupted.

I have been doing so well with my food choices, until I got the results back from my recent labs. My blood sugar is still running way too high on average. This put me into an unintentional slump. I ate chocolate and had wheat(pancakes) and haven't tested since then. I know. I know. I will get back to it.

I haven't mentioned levels in quite a while. For the most part since I really haven't been actively doing anything really positive or life-affirming. I have been wallowing a bit, and I know it. Blah.

"Forgiveness" the concept, keeps popping up in all sorts of places over and over. I get it Karma fairy! I need to let go of perceived wrongs against myself and of those I feel I rendered to others. I need to give myself a break and let myself off the hook. It is okay that I have made mistakes and screwed up. It is also okay that I will keep on making mistakes and screwing up, I am human. I am just striving to make better choices for me, and not repeat the same errors.

Thanks for listening I will ttyal. I am including the song from the tv show I was watching. Love this song now...I had never seen the show before.


I guess the song doesn't show where Youtube doesn't let it. That's fine, I don't have permission to use it. The song is 'Empire of my Mind" by the Wallflowers and the show was The Guardian.

I'm Not Missing You At All..

I was beginning to think I should end this blog. It is difficult to not be able to write whatever I want too. There are still too many folks, past and present that some of my stories could hurt. The truth of it doesn't matter, and whether I tread lightly or blunder through, it isn't right. I am including a quote I found on the internet today. It is beautiful and so appropriate.

Since the last time I have written I have been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. This is not a big surprise as the majority of my immediate relatives all have this as well. This has required diet changes and exercise, blood sugar testing, and more prescriptions to help out my liver, and cholesterol levels. I am also supposed to go back for another study test for sleep apnea.

I had dental work done, another pulled back molar and a root canal. My dental insurance is maxed out now for the year. The sleep study is going to be about another $200. I am supposed to schedule a mammogram, and a diabetic eye exam. I still need to take my kids to the eye doctors and all of us could use the help of a dermatologist. My son also needs an orthodontist and a haircut. My husbands last raise did not offset the higher taxes being taken from his check.

We are going to have to start budgeting better and and controlling our impulse buys. Neither me or my hubby are extravagant, I buy almost everything I can with a discount, coupon or rebate. I have no problem accepting or buying secondhand items. Just eliminating soda has helped quite a bit. I have also been trying to cut down on dining out and have been experimenting with different recipes and cooking at home.

Shazbot. LOL. One fire gets put out and a whole 'nother batch starts right up. I did the sleep study, I thought it cost $195. That was our amount after insurance, too bad  my personal deductible is a $1000. The test cost about $850 more, which will fulfill my deductible for this year. They want me to do another test. Um, no..no, and no..If I had known how much it was actually going to cost, I would never have done the sleep study.

All the study told me so far is that I am not sleeping well. Duh, I already knew that. Though since eliminating wheat gluten, my snoring has diminished (according to my hubby). That was my idea, not the doctors or anyone else. It really has helped with my new eating plan, the only time I have gotten one of my migraines has been when I slipped up and ate wheat.

I have already lost almost 17 lbs..woot! I am still trying to up my exercise level. Ugh.

 I have been trying to focus on the here and now, and keeping on task. It has been difficult as my mind and thinking processes seem really fuzzy. I am on so many prescription drugs it is insane.

I do have to say that Jack, my not-so-evil-dog has been a lifesaver. I have to attend to his needs and in that sense take care of myself and my family. He also gives back so much in love and personality. He is my "forever" puppy.

My son has grown so much, and much like his voice, he goes back and forth between his new "teen" status and being younger and still needing hugs and reassurance. My daughter is more difficult as she continues to draw further and further away from reality. She starts next year in high school in the Autism program there. I am crossing my fingers and praying. It is hard to get her to connect with anything. I understand better the frustration my parents and sister had with me when I was a teen. It is so heartbreaking to watch her not reaching the potential she could be.

I console myself with the thought that it is "her" life as she likes to remind me. I can't force her to change into anything. I do expect a civil mouth and daily hygiene, we are working through that now. There are times she amazes and soars. At other times we crash and burn.

I am not sure how much I will be writing or how often. I am not always sure if this is helping me or an excuse to ramble on, or a bit of both. One step at a time, one day at a time, thank you for listening and for letting me connect. I hope to talk to you all again soon.

to the sea..

It is late, as usual. I am kind of tired, but not sleepy. I will regret staying up in the morning. I haven't written as I was in a very serious slump the past few months. I have made it through the other side, again. I'd laugh but it isn't really fun at all. I know my thinking is negative and wrong, but that doesn't stop me.

I am learning, slowly.

I miss my friends from Arizona, Illinois, Wisconsin. Quite a few have moved elsewhere since I knew them, some have not. Some of them I talk to on Facebook, some of them aren't on much or not at all. There are others who were very near and dear to me and they are gone. I have no idea where they may be. I still miss them.

I have made a few new friends here, just not ones I see on a regular basis. My son has made a few friends, my daughter not at all. My hubby has a lot of work buddies. This makes me happy for him. He needs that as he still works too much, though it has calmed down a little. He actually has been getting more than 1 day off. Crazy.

There is also the friends I have made on facebook. Some I knew before, others not at all. I am lonely right now, but not alone. I have been forcing myself to leave the house, lately. I feel like a balloon filled with too much water. I get sad, I eat. When I am happy, I eat. When I am sick, not at all. It is kind of bad to wish to be sick so as to lose weight.

I realized that I have lived a great majority of my life from one cigarette to another. The crushing need and panic are gone. There is just a whimsical longing at times. I have a lot of catching up on things tomorrow. Good night my friends who are reading this, and even to the ones who aren't. You are a part of me, always. Thank you.

TTYAL.

this song is stuck in my head..

"hello, darkness my old friend.."

Writer's block? No. I just have been so sad and frustrated lately that I don't want to subject any one else to it. It is my own fault. I know this, but I feel that I am stumbling around. Like when it is dark in a room, and someone else is sleeping, you grope around trying to find the door without turning on a light. You don't want to wake them up, shhhh..

I manage to trip over or stumble into things even when the lights are on. With the darkness comes mystery, everyday objects are transformed by shadows. The parts you touch are confusing till you can figure out what it is. That is, oh.. a door, where the heck is the knob?

I have worked at exposing my fears and trying to conquer them all my life. So many things that terrified me, I managed to turn around and make them into something familiar and comforting. Darkness. I was the kid that had to have every light on in the room I was in, I had a nightlight and flashlights till my folks figured out I was reading with them. My window faced the streetlight, so my room never got fully unlit. I was always amazed when I went to other friends houses, how dark it could be.

Then, I went camping. northern Wisconsin or Michigan woods is pitch black. It felt strange to reassure others that they were okay. When other people are afraid, it turns my own terror into a very peaceful calm. I am really not sure why. My kids can pick up when I am scared better than anyone. I wish they hadn't.

I am exhausted today, as it seems so much that I always am. blah..I miss my cigarettes quite often. I am still doing good and I don't want to smoke for so many reasons. I do miss the jolt. I think it is hard and easier to live with someone who smokes as well. Sometimes I crave it when my hubby steps out, especially if we have company. The smell on his clothes and breath at other times is nauseating. I used to smell like that? ugh.

There is so many other things I could talk about, but I am going to go sleep, now. I am so glad this year is almost over. It has been brutal. I have higher hopes for the New Year, or the end of the world..lol.

I'm Thinking..

Wow! I am such a dork at times. The other night I crashed and burned. I hate when I weep, it makes me all congested and my face gets all blubbery and swollen. Why? It was all a mishmash combination of being sick, watching a sad/happy movie and being in the house with two kids and a dog. It is worse in a way than being totally alone. The kids for the most part ignore me and vice-versa, unless we need something from each other.

I feel responsible for them as the adult and mother. I also feel guilty that I don't have funner things to do with them. The dog? For at least three hours a night he is in naughty mode. He has too much energy. I should take him for a walk, but I haven't. There is so many other things I should be doing, but no. I do as bare minimum as I can accept and finally sleep.

The next day goes by a bit better. I hate when my hubby works nights. I know. I am thankful he has a job, that pays well. I am also grateful that he does work so hard to provide for me and the kids. I just miss him. I am a loner who has spent way too much time alone. I feel like I am going to burst open, the crying jag is like a relief valve on a pressure cooker.

I have my facebook friends and other things to play with. I indulged in way too much coffee and Halloween chocolate. At least I finally got some blankets and sheets washed and dried. I don't know.

I realize I am going to have to do more to start my weight/loss fitness. I have done it alone by choice voluntarily before, and unintentionally also. I can not do this by myself this time. I know this, feel it. I have been going around in circles with it and going nowhere fast. It doesn't help to yell at myself, be mad or sad, either. I loved an article I read today that pointed out that folks think that what works for them works for everybody. Um,no..

I am finally starting to feel better. It is about d**n time. I am laughing at myself again. I get sick of my own whining. I have been trying to put things into perspective. I am trying to figure out where I am going to put the groceries I just bought. I did use my coupons this time. The problem here is I really don't have a whole lot of storage space. This is where I flip-flop on what is going in my head. I should be happy that I have too much food, rather than not enough or none. Of course, it would also be sweet to be so wealthy that you have someone else do the shopping, cooking and cleaning. Can you imagine?

The movie I watched tonight was kind of stupid, really. It was kind of a mix of Kill Bill, mixed in with Fahrenheit 451, and the Matrix movies. Equilibrium with Christian Bale, I enjoyed certain parts of it. I am not going to say anymore about it. You have to watch it for yourself. If you don't get my other references.. where have you been? I admit I have and always will be a science-fiction/fantasy nut. I started with the Wizard of Oz and went from there.

The problem I have been having lately is that I now I am stuck in the doldrums, and I am trying to get out. No wind..*sigh. I am trying to care about myself as much as I do for others and it is really difficult. Telling the critical voice in my head to shut it. I had a friend post the other day about how much effort you put into things. The point, unless I am wrong was to realize that we really don't try with all we have. I commented that it depended on what it was.

I am a bit of a perfectionist and it is stupid. I know it. I also understand why I am, and loathe that part of it, too. The thought if I was perfect and did everything right I wouldn't get punished. It wasn't my fault and it didn't work, but I am still stuck with this aspect of myself. I have to limit what I do and focus on, or I never get done with anything.

I am going to try to explain that easier. I have said that my hubby does better housework than me. It's true he does. He is much more consistent than I am, he gets a lot done. I do a better job than he does when I do clean. I am better than I used to be, but when I swept or vacuumed I moved all the furniture. When I reorganized one cabinet it became all of them, when I cleaned the fridge, it had to be spotless. This gets to be exhausting so instead I wouldn't do it at all.

I have to thank one of my cousin's for telling me about the cleaning program she uses. I can't follow it the way the lady sets it up, but it gave me a whole new insight into my housecleaning. It is better to do a little every day than a lot whenever. okay.

The last blog, me,me, me...hmm..

I have been feeling lately that I have lost my purpose and message, gone off-track and then realized. There isn't any rules to this at all. The one thing I don't want to do is hurt others, which I have. I am sorry. That really threw me for a loop.

I don't know, I am hoping that some of the things I say provide insight or understanding for each other. I have tried to explain how my mind works, and what I would love to see change. Understanding is the opposite of not just ignorance but helps reverse the wrongs we do to each other. Everybody is unique and different, the threads we weave through our actions, words and thoughts is what makes it worthwhile to be here.

Okay, I am going to stop now. I hope that I have given a positive message today, lol. Thanks for listening as always.

Me, me, me

Last night was the last meeting of my Asperger's/High-functioning Autism class. It was through the school district and was very informative and interesting. The ladies who taught the class were excellent. They both did a great job in how they presented everything. The only problem? I think because they work on the school part of the situation that they don't understand the parent's side. There was a lot of good stuff, most of it isn't applicable. Or at least I don't see where it is, yet.

The one part is that the therapy I got for Renee was the most difficult thing I could have done for her. I understand a lot more of her frustration and why she shuts down at times. I just wish I had better ways of getting her and her brother more (?) I don't have a word for it.

Parenting..the toughest job you will ever have..aargh!

Big shocker alert, neither of my kids are "normal", whatever that means. The one thing that has come out of all my efforts is that both my children have their own minds, and definite likes and dislikes. They aren't shy about that, either. If they don't like something, they will let you know. The part of normal I knew I wouldn't have was a girl who went to dances or dates, who dressed up and acted girly. I kind of expected the "nerdy" genius valedictorian.

My daughter is neither of those, and never was. What she will be? I can admit now I really have no clue. This is scary, but okay for now. I am trying to go with the flow and not micro-manage everything. It doesn't work, anyway. I know this, but it is so hard. I am back to whining now. LOL

I have been reading the blogs of a lady trying to lose weight  through diet and exercise. She is very inspiring. I also have other friends who are at different levels of exercise and fitness. From zero to infinity, I am closer to the sitting on my butt type. Some of my friends are marathoners, iron men or women..they are amazing. I am starting from slow, square 1again. My one friend says "no powders, no pills, no gimmicks"..I wish. The magic wand of health would be so so.. *sigh. I guess not.

I feel better tonight, and hope I can continue. I have been so exhausted. If there is a medical component to it, I think it is going to be multiple answers. If I can start eating healthier, sleeping regularly, and exercising I will start feeling more energetic. That is the plan. Procrastination..what am I waiting for?

This blog is about me, my life. My desire to not only be me, but the best possible me I can be. I hope I inspire those around me. Thanks for listening. No music, no quotes, no art today, no God talk either..I may add some later. TTYAL