to the sea..

It is late, as usual. I am kind of tired, but not sleepy. I will regret staying up in the morning. I haven't written as I was in a very serious slump the past few months. I have made it through the other side, again. I'd laugh but it isn't really fun at all. I know my thinking is negative and wrong, but that doesn't stop me.

I am learning, slowly.

I miss my friends from Arizona, Illinois, Wisconsin. Quite a few have moved elsewhere since I knew them, some have not. Some of them I talk to on Facebook, some of them aren't on much or not at all. There are others who were very near and dear to me and they are gone. I have no idea where they may be. I still miss them.

I have made a few new friends here, just not ones I see on a regular basis. My son has made a few friends, my daughter not at all. My hubby has a lot of work buddies. This makes me happy for him. He needs that as he still works too much, though it has calmed down a little. He actually has been getting more than 1 day off. Crazy.

There is also the friends I have made on facebook. Some I knew before, others not at all. I am lonely right now, but not alone. I have been forcing myself to leave the house, lately. I feel like a balloon filled with too much water. I get sad, I eat. When I am happy, I eat. When I am sick, not at all. It is kind of bad to wish to be sick so as to lose weight.

I realized that I have lived a great majority of my life from one cigarette to another. The crushing need and panic are gone. There is just a whimsical longing at times. I have a lot of catching up on things tomorrow. Good night my friends who are reading this, and even to the ones who aren't. You are a part of me, always. Thank you.

TTYAL.

this song is stuck in my head..

"hello, darkness my old friend.."

Writer's block? No. I just have been so sad and frustrated lately that I don't want to subject any one else to it. It is my own fault. I know this, but I feel that I am stumbling around. Like when it is dark in a room, and someone else is sleeping, you grope around trying to find the door without turning on a light. You don't want to wake them up, shhhh..

I manage to trip over or stumble into things even when the lights are on. With the darkness comes mystery, everyday objects are transformed by shadows. The parts you touch are confusing till you can figure out what it is. That is, oh.. a door, where the heck is the knob?

I have worked at exposing my fears and trying to conquer them all my life. So many things that terrified me, I managed to turn around and make them into something familiar and comforting. Darkness. I was the kid that had to have every light on in the room I was in, I had a nightlight and flashlights till my folks figured out I was reading with them. My window faced the streetlight, so my room never got fully unlit. I was always amazed when I went to other friends houses, how dark it could be.

Then, I went camping. northern Wisconsin or Michigan woods is pitch black. It felt strange to reassure others that they were okay. When other people are afraid, it turns my own terror into a very peaceful calm. I am really not sure why. My kids can pick up when I am scared better than anyone. I wish they hadn't.

I am exhausted today, as it seems so much that I always am. blah..I miss my cigarettes quite often. I am still doing good and I don't want to smoke for so many reasons. I do miss the jolt. I think it is hard and easier to live with someone who smokes as well. Sometimes I crave it when my hubby steps out, especially if we have company. The smell on his clothes and breath at other times is nauseating. I used to smell like that? ugh.

There is so many other things I could talk about, but I am going to go sleep, now. I am so glad this year is almost over. It has been brutal. I have higher hopes for the New Year, or the end of the world..lol.

I'm Thinking..

Wow! I am such a dork at times. The other night I crashed and burned. I hate when I weep, it makes me all congested and my face gets all blubbery and swollen. Why? It was all a mishmash combination of being sick, watching a sad/happy movie and being in the house with two kids and a dog. It is worse in a way than being totally alone. The kids for the most part ignore me and vice-versa, unless we need something from each other.

I feel responsible for them as the adult and mother. I also feel guilty that I don't have funner things to do with them. The dog? For at least three hours a night he is in naughty mode. He has too much energy. I should take him for a walk, but I haven't. There is so many other things I should be doing, but no. I do as bare minimum as I can accept and finally sleep.

The next day goes by a bit better. I hate when my hubby works nights. I know. I am thankful he has a job, that pays well. I am also grateful that he does work so hard to provide for me and the kids. I just miss him. I am a loner who has spent way too much time alone. I feel like I am going to burst open, the crying jag is like a relief valve on a pressure cooker.

I have my facebook friends and other things to play with. I indulged in way too much coffee and Halloween chocolate. At least I finally got some blankets and sheets washed and dried. I don't know.

I realize I am going to have to do more to start my weight/loss fitness. I have done it alone by choice voluntarily before, and unintentionally also. I can not do this by myself this time. I know this, feel it. I have been going around in circles with it and going nowhere fast. It doesn't help to yell at myself, be mad or sad, either. I loved an article I read today that pointed out that folks think that what works for them works for everybody. Um,no..

I am finally starting to feel better. It is about d**n time. I am laughing at myself again. I get sick of my own whining. I have been trying to put things into perspective. I am trying to figure out where I am going to put the groceries I just bought. I did use my coupons this time. The problem here is I really don't have a whole lot of storage space. This is where I flip-flop on what is going in my head. I should be happy that I have too much food, rather than not enough or none. Of course, it would also be sweet to be so wealthy that you have someone else do the shopping, cooking and cleaning. Can you imagine?

The movie I watched tonight was kind of stupid, really. It was kind of a mix of Kill Bill, mixed in with Fahrenheit 451, and the Matrix movies. Equilibrium with Christian Bale, I enjoyed certain parts of it. I am not going to say anymore about it. You have to watch it for yourself. If you don't get my other references.. where have you been? I admit I have and always will be a science-fiction/fantasy nut. I started with the Wizard of Oz and went from there.

The problem I have been having lately is that I now I am stuck in the doldrums, and I am trying to get out. No wind..*sigh. I am trying to care about myself as much as I do for others and it is really difficult. Telling the critical voice in my head to shut it. I had a friend post the other day about how much effort you put into things. The point, unless I am wrong was to realize that we really don't try with all we have. I commented that it depended on what it was.

I am a bit of a perfectionist and it is stupid. I know it. I also understand why I am, and loathe that part of it, too. The thought if I was perfect and did everything right I wouldn't get punished. It wasn't my fault and it didn't work, but I am still stuck with this aspect of myself. I have to limit what I do and focus on, or I never get done with anything.

I am going to try to explain that easier. I have said that my hubby does better housework than me. It's true he does. He is much more consistent than I am, he gets a lot done. I do a better job than he does when I do clean. I am better than I used to be, but when I swept or vacuumed I moved all the furniture. When I reorganized one cabinet it became all of them, when I cleaned the fridge, it had to be spotless. This gets to be exhausting so instead I wouldn't do it at all.

I have to thank one of my cousin's for telling me about the cleaning program she uses. I can't follow it the way the lady sets it up, but it gave me a whole new insight into my housecleaning. It is better to do a little every day than a lot whenever. okay.

The last blog, me,me, me...hmm..

I have been feeling lately that I have lost my purpose and message, gone off-track and then realized. There isn't any rules to this at all. The one thing I don't want to do is hurt others, which I have. I am sorry. That really threw me for a loop.

I don't know, I am hoping that some of the things I say provide insight or understanding for each other. I have tried to explain how my mind works, and what I would love to see change. Understanding is the opposite of not just ignorance but helps reverse the wrongs we do to each other. Everybody is unique and different, the threads we weave through our actions, words and thoughts is what makes it worthwhile to be here.

Okay, I am going to stop now. I hope that I have given a positive message today, lol. Thanks for listening as always.

Me, me, me

Last night was the last meeting of my Asperger's/High-functioning Autism class. It was through the school district and was very informative and interesting. The ladies who taught the class were excellent. They both did a great job in how they presented everything. The only problem? I think because they work on the school part of the situation that they don't understand the parent's side. There was a lot of good stuff, most of it isn't applicable. Or at least I don't see where it is, yet.

The one part is that the therapy I got for Renee was the most difficult thing I could have done for her. I understand a lot more of her frustration and why she shuts down at times. I just wish I had better ways of getting her and her brother more (?) I don't have a word for it.

Parenting..the toughest job you will ever have..aargh!

Big shocker alert, neither of my kids are "normal", whatever that means. The one thing that has come out of all my efforts is that both my children have their own minds, and definite likes and dislikes. They aren't shy about that, either. If they don't like something, they will let you know. The part of normal I knew I wouldn't have was a girl who went to dances or dates, who dressed up and acted girly. I kind of expected the "nerdy" genius valedictorian.

My daughter is neither of those, and never was. What she will be? I can admit now I really have no clue. This is scary, but okay for now. I am trying to go with the flow and not micro-manage everything. It doesn't work, anyway. I know this, but it is so hard. I am back to whining now. LOL

I have been reading the blogs of a lady trying to lose weight  through diet and exercise. She is very inspiring. I also have other friends who are at different levels of exercise and fitness. From zero to infinity, I am closer to the sitting on my butt type. Some of my friends are marathoners, iron men or women..they are amazing. I am starting from slow, square 1again. My one friend says "no powders, no pills, no gimmicks"..I wish. The magic wand of health would be so so.. *sigh. I guess not.

I feel better tonight, and hope I can continue. I have been so exhausted. If there is a medical component to it, I think it is going to be multiple answers. If I can start eating healthier, sleeping regularly, and exercising I will start feeling more energetic. That is the plan. Procrastination..what am I waiting for?

This blog is about me, my life. My desire to not only be me, but the best possible me I can be. I hope I inspire those around me. Thanks for listening. No music, no quotes, no art today, no God talk either..I may add some later. TTYAL

That's what friends are for...

I am hot, burning up warm. I don't think I am sick. I am not sure why. Hot flashes? Maybe, as I am still taking a small dose of hormone therapy, but all day? I received bad news about a friend. I wasn't surprised but sad. He has to find his own will to continue moving forward. Nobody else can give him that. It hurts me to know he is in pain, though.

I am trying to decide what to do next. I still don't know. My kids are doing better. My hubby's schedule is going to improve a bit shortly. The end of the year is coming up fast. I love Halloween, Thanksgiving and some things about Christmas. I am also scheduled to see a marriage counselor, hmmm. yeah.

I have to confess that admitting you have been whacked out crazy is very freeing in a way. It becomes something you don't have to hide anymore or feel embarrassed about. Yes, I did totally lose my mind. I still have bits and pieces that float away and others that come back. My short term memories for details is shot. I poured water into the coffee maker and then forgot and filled it again. Ooops! I didn't notice until later, when I discovered water all over my counter. Crap.

Small things that add up, I write things down a lot as my brain wants to change things around. Wrong date, wrong location, wrong time, I have learned I can't trust myself with these things. My hubby thinks it is the meds I am on. I am quite sure they are a contributing factor, but I have always had this..it is just worse.

The dental work is done for my kids. Three small cavities filled, not so bad. The eye doctor is next, seeing if either kid needs glasses yet. Then, a medical doctor for my daughter for her severe acne. She is cursed with that mess from both sides of the family. The boy hasn't quite hit that point yet.

Why did I have kids again? LOL.''I love them always" can't help it. I don't always like them, but for the most part they are good kids, really. I am not the greatest mother, either. I have my "mother of the year" moments and then "drag them under the bus"  episodes. Sometimes with in the same 15 minutes..'tis true. I think most parents can relate.

One thing that does bother me is when folks say their whole life is their kids. Um, no..call me selfish, but no. If, something happened to either one of them or both I would lose a giant chunk of myself. I have told both of them that neither one can die before me. I am not sure how I would continue after that. I try not to think about it.

But, while all the above is true, I had a life and love before them, and I will have a life and love during their raising and after..hopefully. A bonus with the last years therapy was that it opened up a communication between me and my kids. They had told me I never really talked about myself or being a kid. True. Now that I have told the whole world, it is a bit easier in person.

My therapist told me, and I have mentioned it before.  You know when you are healed when you can tell your own story. I am still working on it, so many secrets. I have had a lot of advice since writing this. One friend warned me to not to admit to too much as I may regret it. That is true in a way, it has changed my life. Another friend told me I had balls of steel. Aye carumba! No. Another told me that some things are better left unremembered and forgotten. That may be very true. There is things I flash on, but just quite don't remember. This can be a blessing.

I realize I have not been trying very hard at anything, lately. Just trying to stay afloat. I can be very mean/ harsh with myself and my kids. I do regret that. I wished in a way when they got their dna mix from me and my hubby that they would also take some of our experiences too. Nope. I have tried to protect them at the same time as I try to get them ready to face the world on their own. I am glad their dad is in the here and now with them. It helps so much.

I have things to do tomorrow, appointments to set up, kids to school, all my usual fun tasks of taking care of my house and family. My refrigerator is bursting from being filled with so much food. Tomorrow, I will wage war on it. Divide and conquer and throw away the refuse...lol.

I was deeply touched by all who answered my prayer request for a friend in need. thank you. I add my own prayer. "God, you know who I am thinking of, I know you have a plan for them. I know they also have choices, please help them and let them know they are not alone in this world. They are loved. thank you."

My mind is whirling around and I can hear my heartbeat in my ears. it is 1am and I need to try to sleep. Thanks for listening and I'll talk to you all later.

Thank you mess..it is a great page. The link is above on the picture, I own no rights to it. I am a mess also, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Yes, No, Maybe..

This was on my facebook wall. I read it once, then again, and I downloaded it and finally got it to copy onto here. I have reread it again. I am still laughing because my mind seems to want to slip off this.

Don't promise when you are happy, this is especially true for me in relationships with people. The one advantage to being "older" than I was, has been learning things. I don't promise the moon to anyone anymore, because I know I will not be able to deliver it. Other things have been harsher lessons..."never say never". As an addict I recognize when I am on top of the world feeling grand and it is so easy to lie to myself and believe it. "I will never do that again" for me is a setup for failure. Eventually my mind will sneak around and find a way for me to do what I swore would never happen. Sometimes this is a good thing, as I thought I would never quit smoking. Other times, oh bad, bad, bad.

The best I can do with this is say I am not going to do this today, because I really have decided I don't want to. It isn't good for me. This brings to mind when my Catholic friends would give up something for Lent. Some would make it so hard on themselves, they actually picked a habit or item that they loved or were addicted to. I am giving up coffee or swearing. Some of them would make it and some of them didn't. I didn't judge this and still don't. I found the whole process fascinating.

Others would choose things that were so silly or easy for them. I am not wearing purple for a month, or I am not eating any liver, which they loathed. This always made me laugh, as some got very very silly. I did have one non-Catholic friend in high school who always gave up something for Lent. She would laugh and then admit that it was good for her. She usually did very well with it as she picked little things she felt she needed to work on.

She could also, keep up her new habit much more easily than others with the stricter goals. The coffee drinker, for instance, if they made it through the whole time period, would go drown themselves in it for weeks after. Their usage would actually go up, sometimes it would level out later and sometimes not.

I find this all fascinating. What motivates people? What strategies work for them?.. I like knowing why people tick or tock. Everybody has their own unique ways, but there is still trends in this.

"Don't reply when you are angry." There is a yes/no to this. I have said things when I was angry that I have regretted. Oh my, yes. I also have had the right to be angry at times, and let it be known. Other times, I bottled it up and never said anything. The best bet at times is to cool off and then try to explain calmly why you are so mad. Anger is such an easy emotion for me to have, I have used it on purpose throughout my life to get through things. Most of my jobs have required physical effort, anger gives me power. The hard part was learning to choke it down, or get past it. Life isn't fair. The anger at yourself, self-loathing..*sigh. I am still learning to forgive myself for my faults and others for theirs, every single day.

We are human. At least I think I am, my brother used to tell me I was hatched. It was horrible to me as he would call me Laura Egg. I wrote my e's backwards for a time. He recently was very ill and is now recovering. I laugh now, brothers..he also said I was a tender soul. That was sweet. He's a goof.

Don't decide when you are sad. Yes, no, maybe..If I hadn't decided to leave school when I did, I wouldn't be with my husband. It is hard to say what my future would have been instead. I might have graduated, but I can say at the time my lifestyle was killing me. I think this saying is meant to help us realize that we shouldn't react emotionally to a rational dilemma.

I do talk to my God, and the answers are not always what I wanted, or what I expected. Sometimes this is rational, but mostly felt in my soul. I can feel when I am doing right at times. The reverse is true, when you know it is bad. Talking in anger? Unless you are a saint, there has been at least one moment in your life where you have said or done things. Yes. The worst for me now was when I yell(ed) at my kids.

 There are a few people in my life I hate. I don't like hating, though it is easy to do. Forgiveness? ...for myself and others is my level this week. Forgiveness isn't forgetting, but is releasing me from my hate, that is my emotion. It doesn't hurt them at all. It isn't good for me, so I am learning to let it go.

Thanks for listening. ttyal.

So for this, yes, no, maybe..is that an answer? For me it is.

g'night, g'morning, g'day

Of course, I am not sleeping when I am supposed to be. I am kind of tired, but not the I-am-ready-to- crash kind of tired. I will feel this in the morning, I get up early to get the kids off. I usually sneak back to bed after they have left. I have the cabinet design lady coming. I wish my hubby was going to be here. He is the one with the ideas of what he wants to look like. I don't care. Okay, I take that back. I do care, this kitchen is so stupidly designed it is bonkers. I think it could be gutted and redone. I wish I had that kind of money.

Right now I am in a trial mode of seeing what works for me and what doesn't. I am communicating with my kids so much better. I am not as frustrated as I used to be. My hubby still works too much, but having him  here to talk to and see for a little while is way better than none at all or over the phone. He gets frustrated with the kids differently then I do. We balance each other out. Renee (knock on wood ) is doing way better than she was. She is still fighting depression and loneliness. I think this move has been positive so far. A step in the right direction, as she is in a school where not only do they know what Asperger's is but have trained personnel who know how to deal with it. Bonus.

I am not going to say a lot tonight. Tomorrow I get to ride my bike again and/or take Jack for a walk/jog(ish) . I am really out of shape. It makes me feel so much better when I just go do it. It is amazing how many excuses I can come up with to not go outside...or downstairs. I have always found basements creepy. I watched a movie when I was a kid about monsters living in the basement and they were after this girl.  They of course succeeded in making her one of them, ugh. My sibs made fun of me about this. I always had to have the lights on downstairs and still do. Just because a fear isn't rational, doesn't make it any less of a fear.

Plus, not trying to get all spooky on you all, but there is a lot of things still unexplained in this world. Once we start figuring out different things, we find out how much we don't even know. The stresses of modern life, I feel sorry for my kids with that, but also a little jealous. They will get to see so many cool and new advances.

Y-a-w-n..time for me to go snooze. thanks for listening. I changed the color of the type as I heard it was hard to read. I hope this helps. I hit some weird button just a bit ago which shrunk this whole page I am typing on. I hope it posts normal size. LOL, I have such strange worries and problems.

 I have a family member who has been very ill. So far so good, but it has been very scary. I am not identifying them by name, as i didn't ask their permission to post this but can you all wish them well or offer up a few prayers? Thanks so much, and thanks for reading this. I have other friends on a list that keeps getting longer. One very special little girl has made it to her 1st birthday. This makes me feel so incredibly happy.

My other friends are going through so much turmoil, medical, financial,spiritual..etc. I pray and offer them hope and a ray of sunshine. I love to make them laugh or groan, and forget about their troubles for awhile. It is sweet sweet music to me. To my friends who took care of me during my travels, thank you so much.  I am so lucky to be me and where I am today. Good night all.

clouds

TTYL..