Me, me, me

Last night was the last meeting of my Asperger's/High-functioning Autism class. It was through the school district and was very informative and interesting. The ladies who taught the class were excellent. They both did a great job in how they presented everything. The only problem? I think because they work on the school part of the situation that they don't understand the parent's side. There was a lot of good stuff, most of it isn't applicable. Or at least I don't see where it is, yet.

The one part is that the therapy I got for Renee was the most difficult thing I could have done for her. I understand a lot more of her frustration and why she shuts down at times. I just wish I had better ways of getting her and her brother more (?) I don't have a word for it.

Parenting..the toughest job you will ever have..aargh!

Big shocker alert, neither of my kids are "normal", whatever that means. The one thing that has come out of all my efforts is that both my children have their own minds, and definite likes and dislikes. They aren't shy about that, either. If they don't like something, they will let you know. The part of normal I knew I wouldn't have was a girl who went to dances or dates, who dressed up and acted girly. I kind of expected the "nerdy" genius valedictorian.

My daughter is neither of those, and never was. What she will be? I can admit now I really have no clue. This is scary, but okay for now. I am trying to go with the flow and not micro-manage everything. It doesn't work, anyway. I know this, but it is so hard. I am back to whining now. LOL

I have been reading the blogs of a lady trying to lose weight  through diet and exercise. She is very inspiring. I also have other friends who are at different levels of exercise and fitness. From zero to infinity, I am closer to the sitting on my butt type. Some of my friends are marathoners, iron men or women..they are amazing. I am starting from slow, square 1again. My one friend says "no powders, no pills, no gimmicks"..I wish. The magic wand of health would be so so.. *sigh. I guess not.

I feel better tonight, and hope I can continue. I have been so exhausted. If there is a medical component to it, I think it is going to be multiple answers. If I can start eating healthier, sleeping regularly, and exercising I will start feeling more energetic. That is the plan. Procrastination..what am I waiting for?

This blog is about me, my life. My desire to not only be me, but the best possible me I can be. I hope I inspire those around me. Thanks for listening. No music, no quotes, no art today, no God talk either..I may add some later. TTYAL

That's what friends are for...

I am hot, burning up warm. I don't think I am sick. I am not sure why. Hot flashes? Maybe, as I am still taking a small dose of hormone therapy, but all day? I received bad news about a friend. I wasn't surprised but sad. He has to find his own will to continue moving forward. Nobody else can give him that. It hurts me to know he is in pain, though.

I am trying to decide what to do next. I still don't know. My kids are doing better. My hubby's schedule is going to improve a bit shortly. The end of the year is coming up fast. I love Halloween, Thanksgiving and some things about Christmas. I am also scheduled to see a marriage counselor, hmmm. yeah.

I have to confess that admitting you have been whacked out crazy is very freeing in a way. It becomes something you don't have to hide anymore or feel embarrassed about. Yes, I did totally lose my mind. I still have bits and pieces that float away and others that come back. My short term memories for details is shot. I poured water into the coffee maker and then forgot and filled it again. Ooops! I didn't notice until later, when I discovered water all over my counter. Crap.

Small things that add up, I write things down a lot as my brain wants to change things around. Wrong date, wrong location, wrong time, I have learned I can't trust myself with these things. My hubby thinks it is the meds I am on. I am quite sure they are a contributing factor, but I have always had this..it is just worse.

The dental work is done for my kids. Three small cavities filled, not so bad. The eye doctor is next, seeing if either kid needs glasses yet. Then, a medical doctor for my daughter for her severe acne. She is cursed with that mess from both sides of the family. The boy hasn't quite hit that point yet.

Why did I have kids again? LOL.''I love them always" can't help it. I don't always like them, but for the most part they are good kids, really. I am not the greatest mother, either. I have my "mother of the year" moments and then "drag them under the bus"  episodes. Sometimes with in the same 15 minutes..'tis true. I think most parents can relate.

One thing that does bother me is when folks say their whole life is their kids. Um, no..call me selfish, but no. If, something happened to either one of them or both I would lose a giant chunk of myself. I have told both of them that neither one can die before me. I am not sure how I would continue after that. I try not to think about it.

But, while all the above is true, I had a life and love before them, and I will have a life and love during their raising and after..hopefully. A bonus with the last years therapy was that it opened up a communication between me and my kids. They had told me I never really talked about myself or being a kid. True. Now that I have told the whole world, it is a bit easier in person.

My therapist told me, and I have mentioned it before.  You know when you are healed when you can tell your own story. I am still working on it, so many secrets. I have had a lot of advice since writing this. One friend warned me to not to admit to too much as I may regret it. That is true in a way, it has changed my life. Another friend told me I had balls of steel. Aye carumba! No. Another told me that some things are better left unremembered and forgotten. That may be very true. There is things I flash on, but just quite don't remember. This can be a blessing.

I realize I have not been trying very hard at anything, lately. Just trying to stay afloat. I can be very mean/ harsh with myself and my kids. I do regret that. I wished in a way when they got their dna mix from me and my hubby that they would also take some of our experiences too. Nope. I have tried to protect them at the same time as I try to get them ready to face the world on their own. I am glad their dad is in the here and now with them. It helps so much.

I have things to do tomorrow, appointments to set up, kids to school, all my usual fun tasks of taking care of my house and family. My refrigerator is bursting from being filled with so much food. Tomorrow, I will wage war on it. Divide and conquer and throw away the refuse...lol.

I was deeply touched by all who answered my prayer request for a friend in need. thank you. I add my own prayer. "God, you know who I am thinking of, I know you have a plan for them. I know they also have choices, please help them and let them know they are not alone in this world. They are loved. thank you."

My mind is whirling around and I can hear my heartbeat in my ears. it is 1am and I need to try to sleep. Thanks for listening and I'll talk to you all later.

Thank you mess..it is a great page. The link is above on the picture, I own no rights to it. I am a mess also, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Yes, No, Maybe..

This was on my facebook wall. I read it once, then again, and I downloaded it and finally got it to copy onto here. I have reread it again. I am still laughing because my mind seems to want to slip off this.

Don't promise when you are happy, this is especially true for me in relationships with people. The one advantage to being "older" than I was, has been learning things. I don't promise the moon to anyone anymore, because I know I will not be able to deliver it. Other things have been harsher lessons..."never say never". As an addict I recognize when I am on top of the world feeling grand and it is so easy to lie to myself and believe it. "I will never do that again" for me is a setup for failure. Eventually my mind will sneak around and find a way for me to do what I swore would never happen. Sometimes this is a good thing, as I thought I would never quit smoking. Other times, oh bad, bad, bad.

The best I can do with this is say I am not going to do this today, because I really have decided I don't want to. It isn't good for me. This brings to mind when my Catholic friends would give up something for Lent. Some would make it so hard on themselves, they actually picked a habit or item that they loved or were addicted to. I am giving up coffee or swearing. Some of them would make it and some of them didn't. I didn't judge this and still don't. I found the whole process fascinating.

Others would choose things that were so silly or easy for them. I am not wearing purple for a month, or I am not eating any liver, which they loathed. This always made me laugh, as some got very very silly. I did have one non-Catholic friend in high school who always gave up something for Lent. She would laugh and then admit that it was good for her. She usually did very well with it as she picked little things she felt she needed to work on.

She could also, keep up her new habit much more easily than others with the stricter goals. The coffee drinker, for instance, if they made it through the whole time period, would go drown themselves in it for weeks after. Their usage would actually go up, sometimes it would level out later and sometimes not.

I find this all fascinating. What motivates people? What strategies work for them?.. I like knowing why people tick or tock. Everybody has their own unique ways, but there is still trends in this.

"Don't reply when you are angry." There is a yes/no to this. I have said things when I was angry that I have regretted. Oh my, yes. I also have had the right to be angry at times, and let it be known. Other times, I bottled it up and never said anything. The best bet at times is to cool off and then try to explain calmly why you are so mad. Anger is such an easy emotion for me to have, I have used it on purpose throughout my life to get through things. Most of my jobs have required physical effort, anger gives me power. The hard part was learning to choke it down, or get past it. Life isn't fair. The anger at yourself, self-loathing..*sigh. I am still learning to forgive myself for my faults and others for theirs, every single day.

We are human. At least I think I am, my brother used to tell me I was hatched. It was horrible to me as he would call me Laura Egg. I wrote my e's backwards for a time. He recently was very ill and is now recovering. I laugh now, brothers..he also said I was a tender soul. That was sweet. He's a goof.

Don't decide when you are sad. Yes, no, maybe..If I hadn't decided to leave school when I did, I wouldn't be with my husband. It is hard to say what my future would have been instead. I might have graduated, but I can say at the time my lifestyle was killing me. I think this saying is meant to help us realize that we shouldn't react emotionally to a rational dilemma.

I do talk to my God, and the answers are not always what I wanted, or what I expected. Sometimes this is rational, but mostly felt in my soul. I can feel when I am doing right at times. The reverse is true, when you know it is bad. Talking in anger? Unless you are a saint, there has been at least one moment in your life where you have said or done things. Yes. The worst for me now was when I yell(ed) at my kids.

 There are a few people in my life I hate. I don't like hating, though it is easy to do. Forgiveness? ...for myself and others is my level this week. Forgiveness isn't forgetting, but is releasing me from my hate, that is my emotion. It doesn't hurt them at all. It isn't good for me, so I am learning to let it go.

Thanks for listening. ttyal.

So for this, yes, no, maybe..is that an answer? For me it is.

g'night, g'morning, g'day

Of course, I am not sleeping when I am supposed to be. I am kind of tired, but not the I-am-ready-to- crash kind of tired. I will feel this in the morning, I get up early to get the kids off. I usually sneak back to bed after they have left. I have the cabinet design lady coming. I wish my hubby was going to be here. He is the one with the ideas of what he wants to look like. I don't care. Okay, I take that back. I do care, this kitchen is so stupidly designed it is bonkers. I think it could be gutted and redone. I wish I had that kind of money.

Right now I am in a trial mode of seeing what works for me and what doesn't. I am communicating with my kids so much better. I am not as frustrated as I used to be. My hubby still works too much, but having him  here to talk to and see for a little while is way better than none at all or over the phone. He gets frustrated with the kids differently then I do. We balance each other out. Renee (knock on wood ) is doing way better than she was. She is still fighting depression and loneliness. I think this move has been positive so far. A step in the right direction, as she is in a school where not only do they know what Asperger's is but have trained personnel who know how to deal with it. Bonus.

I am not going to say a lot tonight. Tomorrow I get to ride my bike again and/or take Jack for a walk/jog(ish) . I am really out of shape. It makes me feel so much better when I just go do it. It is amazing how many excuses I can come up with to not go outside...or downstairs. I have always found basements creepy. I watched a movie when I was a kid about monsters living in the basement and they were after this girl.  They of course succeeded in making her one of them, ugh. My sibs made fun of me about this. I always had to have the lights on downstairs and still do. Just because a fear isn't rational, doesn't make it any less of a fear.

Plus, not trying to get all spooky on you all, but there is a lot of things still unexplained in this world. Once we start figuring out different things, we find out how much we don't even know. The stresses of modern life, I feel sorry for my kids with that, but also a little jealous. They will get to see so many cool and new advances.

Y-a-w-n..time for me to go snooze. thanks for listening. I changed the color of the type as I heard it was hard to read. I hope this helps. I hit some weird button just a bit ago which shrunk this whole page I am typing on. I hope it posts normal size. LOL, I have such strange worries and problems.

 I have a family member who has been very ill. So far so good, but it has been very scary. I am not identifying them by name, as i didn't ask their permission to post this but can you all wish them well or offer up a few prayers? Thanks so much, and thanks for reading this. I have other friends on a list that keeps getting longer. One very special little girl has made it to her 1st birthday. This makes me feel so incredibly happy.

My other friends are going through so much turmoil, medical, financial,spiritual..etc. I pray and offer them hope and a ray of sunshine. I love to make them laugh or groan, and forget about their troubles for awhile. It is sweet sweet music to me. To my friends who took care of me during my travels, thank you so much.  I am so lucky to be me and where I am today. Good night all.

clouds

TTYL..

Hi..

Hi, yeah..I am still here, I am really not sure why. I have been so tired. I slept yesterday almost around the clock and the day before and..not sure before that. I probably had insomnia instead, or heartburn which ends up in insomnia. My head is a mushy mess of randomness. This affects more than just writing, I have to really remind myself what day it is.

My hubby works too much. He works too much and too often, then he comes home and does more work. Today it was picking up dog poo and mowing. I don't mow grass, not because I can't. I prefer not to. I am allergic to grass and hay, it makes me itch and I break out in hives. I went on a hayride as a teenager, oh boy that was not good. I would make an incredibly lousy farmer.

I had the thought that I don't have any hecklers or get angry e-mails, or get much feedback from this at all. What comments I do get have all been from people I know. With one exception, they have all been sweet. The exception wasn't even mean, just 1/2 and 1/2. The bonus was it was truly an honest opinion. Okay. I can deal with that. I am not trying to piss people off. I am just striving to sort out my own tangle of thoughts and my life. I think folks can relate or if they don't they just move on and/or shake their heads.

Oh, I forgot, for awhile I got guys who were trying to hook up with me. Delete. That was easy. It didn't even make me feel bad. I need another project or job or something. I had to laugh in a way as I have had so many people who dream about not having to work make comments. I miss work. I love having a job away from home, with people. Even my worst jobs were better than staying at home. I miss having my own money, too.

The reasons I don't work. Number one is because I owe a massive amount of money for school loans that I have never been able to repay. I waited tables for so many years so the government couldn't garnish my wages. At tax time they take any return money and keep it, my hubby files an injured spouse form and they give him half back. Since I haven't been working, he gets to keep all of it. My whole plan was after my kids got big enough, and in school full-time I was going to work full time and start making payments. My boss screwed me over with that big time, she didn't like me much. Then there was the whole getting severely ill and paying for medical bills instead, fiasco. We just finally paid another (last) medical bill off from that time.

Now, I don't know.

I am so sick of housework and children...and children and housework. LOL..Jack has been okay. I haven't been walking him at all. I need to get back in the swing of things. I have appointments and a few places to go the next few days. This is good for me. It helps to get out and do things.

I don't know why but I still get random cravings for a cigarette. I am still good without. That is a big expense I can't afford. Medical, dental, prescriptions, therapy..even with insurance these things add up. I don't know how we are going to pay for Max's braces. I have gnarly teeth and wanted braces. I was already a social outcast with my clothes, my family, being overweight, wearing glasses, non-athletic and being smart...braces wouldn't have been a bad thing.

I am trying to find the positives, and lately it has been very difficult. I doubt I will publish this...if I did..I hope you will bear with me. Big breath, next step up, things to do tomorrow  to help my daughter, and my hubby and maybe me, Max and the dog, too. I pray for so many others, some are just a quick thought, others are more profound. Others are people I am trying to forgive, some just can't help themselves. I am sorry "you are an ass" really isn't what I am striving for. I try to be nicer, but God sure put some challenges out there.

I got to go crash, TTYAL..I probably won't be writing much or very often. I still feel I am talking to myself for the most part, even though the blogger site says I have readers all over the world. I hope that I have affected you in some way for the good. Thank you for listening.

No Yelling.

First off I have to say I had a wonderful time with my in-laws, my hubby's brother, his wife and their furry baby, a black Lab named Leeloo. Jack, our-not-so-evil puppy had to boss her around even though he is a quarter of her size. They are almost identical..even their eyes. Total opposite in temperaments, Jack's Chihuahua side won't let any dog lord it over him. He likes to be top dog. Leeloo was so easy going and sweet. She is also very well-trained. Jack, not so much..

I wish they could have stayed longer, but it is okay. They only live about an hour away. That is not far at all. For any of my foreign readers, that is by car. The buses and train systems in the US are all local in big cities. They really don't connect well at all. American's and their cars is nuts. We drive even when we can walk or bike. Not all of us and not all the time, but mostly. Inner city life is extremely different then suburban living. It is also very different if you are very rich or very poor.

I have a feeling I am going to get yelled at now. I don't feel good. It is more than just being tired all the time. I have been having mild chest discomfort on-and-off for weeks. It keeps getting worse not better and lasting longer. I know. I know. In my defense, I have to state that I had a complete work-up on my heart last year when my blood pressure was going whacko. I got to wear a monitor, had pictures taken of my heart before and after a treadmill run and had blood pressure taken at all different points.

They didn't find anything wrong except that I am obese and severely out-of-shape. I smoked then, too. I was supposed to do a tilt-table test but was maxed out financially. They gave me a steroid to take that I finally stopped using. It made my blood pressure soar. Whoops..not good. I hate going to doctors so much. They are expensive and really not all that helpful for the most part. I am a hypochondriac, with actual medical problems. The pain is most likely my lovely digestive system that is severely messed up.

Enough of all that, I think I can talk my hubby into maybe getting another dog now. I love rescuing shelter dogs. I want one a little older, trained and very easy-going and maybe a little bigger than Jack but not by much. He/she has to fit through the doggy door that will eventually be installed. My laundry chute will be happening soon too.

The problem with the chest pain is that every tiny exertion seems to make it worse. I have a tendency now to just not do and sit back and see how things go. This is good in some ways as it helps my emotional control, physically it bites. I need to start my walks/rides again soon. Losing weight will be a big bonus, not only for my health but for the long run. More mental stability, more focus, more ways to laugh at myself and have fun.

My hubby is off work for 4 days!! Wow. This should be fun, tomorrow is Labor Day. Then the kids go back to school on Tuesday. I can catch up on some chores and other things. Woot!

I will have pictures of the dogs from my hubby's phone. Right now, I am going to see if I have anything good to look at. I am in a good mood, just tired and taking it easy. I always think of the song "Sitting on the dock of the Bay.."

Thanks for listening, I have the greatest audience ever. TTYAL.
My level for today was to enjoy and savor the moment, success can be a dessert with no calories but tasting so sweet.

Jaded..so jaded.

I feel so human in my own skin. My emotions? I am angry and fed up with my life, myself, my body and all my petty problems. Whatever. I know I can't sleep right now. I am so wound up. This is beyond stupid as I have been exhausted all day.

You, my blog audience, are all I have to talk to right now. God, too. I don't know if we have been on the same wavelength or frequency. I am not feeling or hearing anything but static. Go figure. I am trying to do the best I can in most ways, but I seem to fall so short.

I really don't know what to do anymore.

This blog is my attempt to connect, or figure things out. Let the torrent of my thoughts wash over and help me heal to find my sanity. I am still not there, yet. I don't think there truly is an "ending". My life's journey through surgeries, kid, pets, marriage, addictions, friends, family..all of it. I was hoping in the process that I help other's through their own struggles.

My levels, my circles. I am back around facing myself and as always I find things I'd rather not know about myself. I also find good things and brilliant things. Does everyone go through this or is this just a struggle of the few? So many are just out to have fun, and seem to succeed. I am failing at that, I feel wound up and tight like a coiled up spring. This really isn't a good thing.

The clock is still moving tick, tick, tick and I am running out of time or I am going to be late. I hate both. I am almost always early, and have planned things out. I am not a spur-of-the-moment idea person.

 "Let's go do that?" is what other people say. I am the one that says..

 "Okay, sounds great lets go, let me grab this and this and this..." or "Whoa! Are you kidding? No way."

 If I am with other people that are like me it gets monotonous. "What do you want to do?"

 "I don't know, what do you want to do?"

"Um, huh..I don't know." Silence. (AWKWARD)

If I am not actively planning for my future where am I going to end up? I am having a hard enough time trying to get through the present. I told my FB friends the other day that my life is unbelievably boring with random periods of intense madness. I wish for the madness, but am afraid of it. Getting stuck in my rut is easy. You do the right things, say the right things and just plod along. I'd really rather have fun with it. Shake it up and be wild, different, and well, not so dull.

I still have laundry to do and I need to get my kid off to school on time. I haven't packed my hubby's lunch or set up the coffeemaker. I need to re-set my alarm and brush and floss. Okay. I am a grown-up. *sigh. Have a good night everyone.


This was from the other night. I did get sleep and feel much better. Today was okay. I ended up chatting with a few people I really don't like. That is not a very long list, I am usually very easy going. It bothers me, as I think I should be a better person than that, but then I just have to let it go. No more. The worst part of it is thinking that I give other people that same distaste? I hope not. I pray not.

Space picture..beautiful and sad as this is multiple dying stars.

Thanks for listening to me as always. I hope everyone has a beautiful blessed moment filled with inner peace. That may sound hippy freakish, but it isn't. It is beautiful. TTYAL.


I don't own any rights to this picture. The title to this blog is the song by the Rolling Stones. I don't know why it keeps playing in my head.