Hmmm..

I have been playing around with my blog 1/2 the morning trying to figure out how to change the picture. I finally found it. This is a photo of my new house.

I am not very tired. I am a little bummed. I have been starting to exercise again, either a nightly walk, bike ride or both. My diet I am having more difficulty with, I am not happy with my food choices and some of my obsessions. Instead of eating one bite of something and just leaving it, I finish the whole plate. This ends up making me feel bad physically and mentally. *sigh. There was a bonus when I was ill, I couldn't eat very much and what I ate was extremely healthy. Now?

My daughter took a picture of me sleeping, it is awful.

I was glad to meet my hubbies work friends yesterday. It was sweet, we had food, drinks and a birthday cake for one of them. They also managed to wrestle the old couch down the stairs. I am glad nobody got hurt during the process. It was hysterical.

I don't know. I have to finalize my plans for my trip, who I am staying with, when. I also need to go shopping for some better clothes that fit my chubby self. I am depressed by this. Thirty years later, and I am almost back to my highest weight. I have lost weight so many times and regained it. I wish it was at the lower point. I also realize that many of my fellow alumni will have weight and health issues. We are all older. I am just unhappy because of me. I can and have looked better. I also, always, have had this struggle with my body. It isn't a mid-life crisis thing, it is a forever problem.

I am going to have fun, regardless.

It is late and I better go snooze. I have a lot to do tomorrow and the next coming days. Thanks for listening. I think there is a big difference between vanity and trying to look your best. How you look shouldn't affect how you feel but it does. Spritzing up for company or an occasion is a special treat for me. I need to treat it as that and not give into my gloom. "Depression is a liar"..it was a post on Facebook the other day. I said that I should have the words tattooed on my forehead. LOL

I am not sure how much I will be writing in the next few weeks, but I will try. TTYAL.

True. I think I can do a bit better, though. Have a great day.

The Rose.

I have so many things whirling around in my brain that it is hard to pick one stream. I start with emotions, sadness. Every mention of the tragedy of the movie shooting makes me sad. It is the same sadness I feel for the people of Japan, for the 9-11 twin towers and 2 other planes, for Columbine and Hiroshima and Nagasaki and the Holocaust. I could add so many more. So many sad and tragic deaths, some at the hands of Mother Nature, others by people. Why?

I mourn the loss of life cut short, it doesn't seem right or fair. I can only imagine the agony and despair of people who have lost their loved ones. It is senseless and stupid. The man who did this, planned and executed it is now in the American legal system. I won't mention him by name, either. Infamy? Insanity? Evil? All of the above?

Evil exists, it always has and always will.

I do believe that Good exists also.

They don't balance each other out but instead ying/yang in different countless number of ways. There is a choice.

We feel for the most part very snug and secure in our homes. Sheltered from the elements, it is easy to forget the true brutality of nature. Spend an entire day and night outside with no shelter and nothing but the clothes you have on your back? Even the survivalist shows let you have a knife and flint and steel. Our tools make a big difference, we feel safer with light that scares away the predators and brings warmth.

I told you my mind is fluttering around.

Hope.

When my depression is at it's worse the hope is the hardest part to deal with. Hope is double-edged as it can bring you immense joy, but it can also be a crushing weight of despair. You want, but you can't but you do and you don't. It is at times better to not feel anything. But "nature abhors a vacuum" and sends something to fill you up. Is this where this man was when he decided to plan an execution of terror, pain and murder?

I am not sure we will ever know, we will do our best to prevent this newest craziness. As Americans we will talk it to death first. *sigh.

On a whole other note, I am adjusting to my new home and circumstances. It is very pleasant to see my hubby every day, my kids are doing better with this. They need him as much as he needs them. I wish he wasn't working so much, but he does what he can.

I am also planning my upcoming trip for my reunion, I am so excited and nervous, too. Deep breaths in (1-2-3-4)..hold (5-6-7-8).. release (9-10-11-12). My hypnotherapist taught me that one. I have made a whole year without smoking!! Wow!

It is late now, so I am going to go snooze. My prayers go out to so many, and my love. My hope still exists that the good will always be the stronger, in each and every one of us.

I have found out from another source not to include any pictures or videos that I don't have the sole rights too..so no more music vids and you are stuck with my photography or drawings. Sorry.

TTYAL and thanks for listening to me ramble, these were my roses in AZ, I will have new ones soon in UT. It reminds me of the song "The Rose" which is now playing in my head, of course. Good Night..lol.

Sandman..

I need to write, I want to write. What is stopping me?

Fear.

I don't really want to admit that.

I hate being scared, though I am quite often. There is all kinds of fears. Stephen King was asked one time where he came up with the ideas for his books. He replied that he wrote about everything he was scared of...that if he wrote about it he was less scared. I am glad I am not inside his head.

I am scared of hurting someone, or not being able to help someone the way they need. Maybe that is the way it is supposed to be, but it is still crap. I am also afraid of being mediocre, just another voice among so many that isn't saying anything real, new or interesting. I am not really afraid of being mocked, though it isn't something I enjoy. I am very unhappy about being pitied, ugh. This poor girl who went through so much and became what exactly?

I am not alone, but I am.

I have the whole world of the internet available at my fingertips. I have my Facebook friends, my family including my dog, my friends and relatives I have met along the way. My own God that I talk to and try to listen to. Today, I am just tired.

I have been sleeping around the clock, trying to be better physically. Everything I do right now feels like an enormous undertaking. Taking a shower, getting dressed, cooking, cleaning, even Facebook and Words...Jack is the easiest part. He likes when I sleep.

UTAH

My mouth hurts, I had a tooth pulled and a root canal done. My cavity where my tooth was doesn't want to heal properly. Instead of going together and closing up, it is doing the opposite by pulling apart, exposing my jawbone. It has ripped all the way up to the roof of my mouth from my gum line. I laughed about it on Facebook. At least I don't have a normal complication like dry socket.

I am maxed out on the drugs I can take for this right now. Yesterday it wasn't so bad, today it is much worse.

I am excited and worried about my upcoming trip/ reunion. There are so many people I wish to see, to visit with and have fun with, too. The fears are something I am used to about being on my own. I don't like having to do things without a guide. My sister was my number 1 when we were kids. I drove us both a little crazy. My friends were my other guides. I switched to different people depending on the where, when or why. I could be anybody I had to be, except for the person I wanted to be.

Does any of this make sense?

I am not sure, my hubby is off work tomorrow and we have a few things to work out and a whole mess of chores to do. One step at a time, you can only plan so much and then you have to go with it. I am getting there.

I have missed writing, and I can't promise to be more regular, but I will make more of an effort. Thanks for listening and have a beautiful day tomorrow wherever you are. Kick some a$$ and don't take any grief that you don't have to. You deserve better.

Good night.

I don't own any rights to the above song or lyrics.

Home sweet?

Utah. Why Utah? *sigh* It is where my husband is working at. No, I am not a Mormon. Do I want to talk to the missionaries? No, thanks, but no.

I am so glad I am out of Arizona and the heat. The heat wave that has spread across almost the whole USA. I don't miss sandstorms or cacti or 100% sunshine. I do miss my lizards a bit and the birds that I have right now are pretty but rude. You still have to water things here, but not as much.

I don't like my new house.

There, I said it.

It is dirty, stinks and is old. The basement while finished, is creepy. I need a laundry chute.

If I had moved to this house 1st, before we moved to the one in Arizona, I think I would have been better. I'll be happier when they come and rip out the carpet and replace it with new. I also think painting will help, as does cleaning and trying to get stuff put away. We have two new dressers for me and Mark on order, that will help also.

I love the new deck, and the trees, the apricot tree is beautiful. I have lots of spaces to grow things. My kitchen is remodeled and some of the other parts of the house are an improvement.

I miss my old pool, my kitchen, my closet, my bathroom. It smells like a combination of cat piss and cigars. There are spiderwebs everywhere. Awh gheeze, I feel like a big weenie whiner.

The first night my daughter had a breakdown and cried. She was still crying from the first move from Wisconsin, this second move tripped the trigger. I will never forget what she said..."Mom, quit saying it is going to be alright, it isn't alright"

True. It isn't, yet.

I have to hang on to the belief that things will get better. I have to think that we are improving, moving forward. I so want a cigarette, and don't.

It is nice seeing my hubby every day and see him with the kids for at least a little while. They love him and have missed him. Jack, the dog follows him or me around at all time. We are all messed up with strange sleeping and waking patterns. My hubby is working night shift this rotation.

Tomorrow we will do something fun, I also have to go for a bike ride too. I feel better writing this. It will be okay, it will get better.

Thanks for listening, TTYAL. The new picture on top is from my apricot tree. Have a great day, week, night and I am hoping that you realize as I have lately that it doesn't matter where you are, there are always ways to make things improve. It helps so much to be with the people you love.

G'night world.

We made it. I think. My son keeps pointing out this could all be a dream, sort of like the Matrix. Okay, the weather here is beautiful. The Utahans have all been complaining how hot it is..I laugh at them. The days have been warm, but it cools down so nicely at night. The breeze is usually cool also.

Moving is a pain, now we are working on unboxing everything and trying to find a place for it. I miss my old kitchen, this one is maybe an 1/8 of the size and no pantry room. I have a pantry closet...and 6 more boxes of kitchen stuff to go.

It helps that my hubby is so handy, he put knobs on all the cupboards and has already done so much work. It is awesome to be here with him. He goes back to work next week. He will still be home every day, woot!

I am a bit woozy, doozy tonight. I went to a dentist to replace a missing filling. *sigh, Four hours later I had a root canal done and had the tooth behind it pulled. The drugs are working very well. My jaw aches but is more itchy. That is a good sign it is healing well.

I am keeping this short as I have to get some rest. The screen is doing double vision on me. I just wanted you all to know I am still here, still alive, but one more tooth down and out. My mental state has been improving steadily day by day.  I am keeping this light, sweet, and short. G'night everyone and thanks for listening.

Imagine..

I guess I am writing tonight. I wasn't going to. I am in a mood, not sure how to describe it. Today was Father's Day. This is another holiday I have some "issues" with. I also always laugh at the word "issues". It is a combination of so many cultural references it is hard to explain. I don't know if it is an American trait or more of a human trait, to be able to laugh at ourselves. So when I hear or use that word, I think of the commercial where the drill sergeant Marine therapist throws a box of tissues at a sobbing patient. It isn't real, in real life I would be appalled. I think.

There is another commercial from way back where they shoot mice from a cannon through a wooden O and miss. They aren't really shooting real mice, I laugh every time.

I called my Dad today. It made him happy, which makes me glad. It also relieves some tensions I have had. My dad, and our relationship over the years has been difficult and agonizing. I know how much I have changed. I shouldn't be surprised that he has changed also.

Me and my Dad, I was 3..

When you learn love and fear from the same person, it makes things complicated. I know my Dad and Mom both love me. I didn't think they did for a long time, or were incapable of it. I know there are people who are nodding their heads. I was not the only child in the world who had parents that overstepped the boundaries between discipline and abuse. I have stepped over the line myself and it it curls up inside me. It is easy to lash out at those we love the most. The hard part is learning to step back, calm down and not let our emotions rule.

That includes words as well. Words can heal and hurt.

I think in some ways we are hardest on ourselves. We beat each ourselves up in the inside. This is a common trait among addicts and "survivors" . Learning how to listen to the things that help us grow and blossom, rather than the negative shrew is a major step. It can be a battle or just flow. Life isn't always easy or hard, sometimes it is just boring, or a bit better and then there is your aha moments where everything clicks and it is absolutely the best thing ever.

I remember laughing uncontrollably with friends, playing games, the first time I said "my daughter", holding my husbands hand so tight during our wedding ceremony, my son's first steps. There is so many more moments, things that were beautiful, profound or just fun.

My dad was a survivor also from abuse that probably pales in comparison to what I lived with. Everyone has their own story. My kids will have their own. One of my girlfriends had the opportunity to be with her mom and reconcile with her before she passed away. Not all of us will have that chance. Other's were blessed with parents who while not perfect, had or have a great relationship with. I envy them that, I can't help it. I have lost people to death and other things. The pain lessens at times but never goes away.

Enough sadness.

I am supposed to be concentrating on my move. A year from now? I will write it tomorrow and post it later..as always thanks for listening. TTYL. I need to get some sleep.


As you can tell that was from the day before. I am still sleepy today, the sun is shining and it is triple digit hot. I feel paralyzed. It is hard to stay focused and moving. I have already had one nap. I have so much more to do. Am I overwhelming myself? Perhaps. I admit I am very unhappy that I am once again packing by myself. My dear neighbor Jenny, who I miss so much isn't here this time. I will be flying out with the kids after the moving company takes away our stuff. Next week.

Okay, up and at them. I am going to be bad and indulge in a soda and maybe some chocolate. It may help to get my blood pumping. Thanks for listening as always.

I have no rights for this song or lyrics. I do not make any profit or gain from this blog. thanks!

 This is the song that has been haunting me. There are worse tortures. I am  so laughing. It is a beautiful song. Just imagine..

Still kicking...

I am waiting for my pot roast to cool down a bit before I stick it in the fridge. It has been a strange day. I did manage to get some things done today. I have been slacking, I despise moving and packing. I had a call from a life coach, it was very interesting and not what I expected. His challenge was to come up with a scenario of what I expect my life to be like a year from now.

Okay, we talked about some of it. It was very positive. I have been having a very difficult time embracing the thought of our newest relocation. I have very old bad memories associated with Utah and a few good ones. The state itself is beautiful and I love the thought of having seasons again. Though, I would like to skip the snow. I am very nervous about being in a new place, finding my way around. I am a professional at getting lost. You can laugh, but I have ended up in the wrong state..more than once.


I am also practical enough to know that it isn't going to be all peaches and cream. There is work involved and at this point, I am frustrated with my kids. They are very spoiled in some ways. This is going to be a major issue. I have really not had my husband home regularly for about the last seven years or so. He has  worked for different employers, but all required field service. This means travel and a lot of it. I always tease him that he should have just been a semi-driver. He actually could beat them with accumulated miles on the road.

I am worrying about things that haven't happened yet. I am trying to relax and breathe it in and out. I will be okay.

My thought the other day was that there is almost always someone who is better at something then me and almost always somebody who is worse. I used to find this a frustrating statement. I realized I don't anymore. It is a comfort. I have limits, I don't have to be perfect. I am also uniquely me. Everybody has their quirks and foibles. I have always wanted to use that word in a sentence. I just love it, foibles. LOL

I am running late tonight so I am going to cut this short. I do realize I have not been writing very regularly as of late. I have been playing word games on Facebook which is very addicting to me. I know I am going to have to chill it down soon, but for the moment it has been a great stress reliever.

I will write my vision of the future tomorrow, I hope. TTYAL and thanks for listening.

Is there something that is your special talent? How do you nurture it? Is there something you hate about yourself? Is their any steps you can take to minimize it or embrace it instead? Serious and powerful questions of where you are and where you want to be.

"WORK IN PROGRESS"

The same but different, I love it.