Hi..

Hi, yeah..I am still here, I am really not sure why. I have been so tired. I slept yesterday almost around the clock and the day before and..not sure before that. I probably had insomnia instead, or heartburn which ends up in insomnia. My head is a mushy mess of randomness. This affects more than just writing, I have to really remind myself what day it is.

My hubby works too much. He works too much and too often, then he comes home and does more work. Today it was picking up dog poo and mowing. I don't mow grass, not because I can't. I prefer not to. I am allergic to grass and hay, it makes me itch and I break out in hives. I went on a hayride as a teenager, oh boy that was not good. I would make an incredibly lousy farmer.

I had the thought that I don't have any hecklers or get angry e-mails, or get much feedback from this at all. What comments I do get have all been from people I know. With one exception, they have all been sweet. The exception wasn't even mean, just 1/2 and 1/2. The bonus was it was truly an honest opinion. Okay. I can deal with that. I am not trying to piss people off. I am just striving to sort out my own tangle of thoughts and my life. I think folks can relate or if they don't they just move on and/or shake their heads.

Oh, I forgot, for awhile I got guys who were trying to hook up with me. Delete. That was easy. It didn't even make me feel bad. I need another project or job or something. I had to laugh in a way as I have had so many people who dream about not having to work make comments. I miss work. I love having a job away from home, with people. Even my worst jobs were better than staying at home. I miss having my own money, too.

The reasons I don't work. Number one is because I owe a massive amount of money for school loans that I have never been able to repay. I waited tables for so many years so the government couldn't garnish my wages. At tax time they take any return money and keep it, my hubby files an injured spouse form and they give him half back. Since I haven't been working, he gets to keep all of it. My whole plan was after my kids got big enough, and in school full-time I was going to work full time and start making payments. My boss screwed me over with that big time, she didn't like me much. Then there was the whole getting severely ill and paying for medical bills instead, fiasco. We just finally paid another (last) medical bill off from that time.

Now, I don't know.

I am so sick of housework and children...and children and housework. LOL..Jack has been okay. I haven't been walking him at all. I need to get back in the swing of things. I have appointments and a few places to go the next few days. This is good for me. It helps to get out and do things.

I don't know why but I still get random cravings for a cigarette. I am still good without. That is a big expense I can't afford. Medical, dental, prescriptions, therapy..even with insurance these things add up. I don't know how we are going to pay for Max's braces. I have gnarly teeth and wanted braces. I was already a social outcast with my clothes, my family, being overweight, wearing glasses, non-athletic and being smart...braces wouldn't have been a bad thing.

I am trying to find the positives, and lately it has been very difficult. I doubt I will publish this...if I did..I hope you will bear with me. Big breath, next step up, things to do tomorrow  to help my daughter, and my hubby and maybe me, Max and the dog, too. I pray for so many others, some are just a quick thought, others are more profound. Others are people I am trying to forgive, some just can't help themselves. I am sorry "you are an ass" really isn't what I am striving for. I try to be nicer, but God sure put some challenges out there.

I got to go crash, TTYAL..I probably won't be writing much or very often. I still feel I am talking to myself for the most part, even though the blogger site says I have readers all over the world. I hope that I have affected you in some way for the good. Thank you for listening.

No Yelling.

First off I have to say I had a wonderful time with my in-laws, my hubby's brother, his wife and their furry baby, a black Lab named Leeloo. Jack, our-not-so-evil puppy had to boss her around even though he is a quarter of her size. They are almost identical..even their eyes. Total opposite in temperaments, Jack's Chihuahua side won't let any dog lord it over him. He likes to be top dog. Leeloo was so easy going and sweet. She is also very well-trained. Jack, not so much..

I wish they could have stayed longer, but it is okay. They only live about an hour away. That is not far at all. For any of my foreign readers, that is by car. The buses and train systems in the US are all local in big cities. They really don't connect well at all. American's and their cars is nuts. We drive even when we can walk or bike. Not all of us and not all the time, but mostly. Inner city life is extremely different then suburban living. It is also very different if you are very rich or very poor.

I have a feeling I am going to get yelled at now. I don't feel good. It is more than just being tired all the time. I have been having mild chest discomfort on-and-off for weeks. It keeps getting worse not better and lasting longer. I know. I know. In my defense, I have to state that I had a complete work-up on my heart last year when my blood pressure was going whacko. I got to wear a monitor, had pictures taken of my heart before and after a treadmill run and had blood pressure taken at all different points.

They didn't find anything wrong except that I am obese and severely out-of-shape. I smoked then, too. I was supposed to do a tilt-table test but was maxed out financially. They gave me a steroid to take that I finally stopped using. It made my blood pressure soar. Whoops..not good. I hate going to doctors so much. They are expensive and really not all that helpful for the most part. I am a hypochondriac, with actual medical problems. The pain is most likely my lovely digestive system that is severely messed up.

Enough of all that, I think I can talk my hubby into maybe getting another dog now. I love rescuing shelter dogs. I want one a little older, trained and very easy-going and maybe a little bigger than Jack but not by much. He/she has to fit through the doggy door that will eventually be installed. My laundry chute will be happening soon too.

The problem with the chest pain is that every tiny exertion seems to make it worse. I have a tendency now to just not do and sit back and see how things go. This is good in some ways as it helps my emotional control, physically it bites. I need to start my walks/rides again soon. Losing weight will be a big bonus, not only for my health but for the long run. More mental stability, more focus, more ways to laugh at myself and have fun.

My hubby is off work for 4 days!! Wow. This should be fun, tomorrow is Labor Day. Then the kids go back to school on Tuesday. I can catch up on some chores and other things. Woot!

I will have pictures of the dogs from my hubby's phone. Right now, I am going to see if I have anything good to look at. I am in a good mood, just tired and taking it easy. I always think of the song "Sitting on the dock of the Bay.."

Thanks for listening, I have the greatest audience ever. TTYAL.
My level for today was to enjoy and savor the moment, success can be a dessert with no calories but tasting so sweet.

Jaded..so jaded.

I feel so human in my own skin. My emotions? I am angry and fed up with my life, myself, my body and all my petty problems. Whatever. I know I can't sleep right now. I am so wound up. This is beyond stupid as I have been exhausted all day.

You, my blog audience, are all I have to talk to right now. God, too. I don't know if we have been on the same wavelength or frequency. I am not feeling or hearing anything but static. Go figure. I am trying to do the best I can in most ways, but I seem to fall so short.

I really don't know what to do anymore.

This blog is my attempt to connect, or figure things out. Let the torrent of my thoughts wash over and help me heal to find my sanity. I am still not there, yet. I don't think there truly is an "ending". My life's journey through surgeries, kid, pets, marriage, addictions, friends, family..all of it. I was hoping in the process that I help other's through their own struggles.

My levels, my circles. I am back around facing myself and as always I find things I'd rather not know about myself. I also find good things and brilliant things. Does everyone go through this or is this just a struggle of the few? So many are just out to have fun, and seem to succeed. I am failing at that, I feel wound up and tight like a coiled up spring. This really isn't a good thing.

The clock is still moving tick, tick, tick and I am running out of time or I am going to be late. I hate both. I am almost always early, and have planned things out. I am not a spur-of-the-moment idea person.

 "Let's go do that?" is what other people say. I am the one that says..

 "Okay, sounds great lets go, let me grab this and this and this..." or "Whoa! Are you kidding? No way."

 If I am with other people that are like me it gets monotonous. "What do you want to do?"

 "I don't know, what do you want to do?"

"Um, huh..I don't know." Silence. (AWKWARD)

If I am not actively planning for my future where am I going to end up? I am having a hard enough time trying to get through the present. I told my FB friends the other day that my life is unbelievably boring with random periods of intense madness. I wish for the madness, but am afraid of it. Getting stuck in my rut is easy. You do the right things, say the right things and just plod along. I'd really rather have fun with it. Shake it up and be wild, different, and well, not so dull.

I still have laundry to do and I need to get my kid off to school on time. I haven't packed my hubby's lunch or set up the coffeemaker. I need to re-set my alarm and brush and floss. Okay. I am a grown-up. *sigh. Have a good night everyone.


This was from the other night. I did get sleep and feel much better. Today was okay. I ended up chatting with a few people I really don't like. That is not a very long list, I am usually very easy going. It bothers me, as I think I should be a better person than that, but then I just have to let it go. No more. The worst part of it is thinking that I give other people that same distaste? I hope not. I pray not.

Space picture..beautiful and sad as this is multiple dying stars.

Thanks for listening to me as always. I hope everyone has a beautiful blessed moment filled with inner peace. That may sound hippy freakish, but it isn't. It is beautiful. TTYAL.


I don't own any rights to this picture. The title to this blog is the song by the Rolling Stones. I don't know why it keeps playing in my head.

Marshmallows, or Puffy Clouds

Light and sweet, I had almost a whole other blog written. I may tweak it a bit and publish it another day. It was deep and emotional, and a bit sad. Which was what I was feeling. I just let it out and right now I am not letting anything bring me down. I just feel like I lost a 100 lbs of angst and I am not sure why. I am not going to question it either. I am just going to enjoy it.

One of the thoughts today was about criticism. How you have always let the tiny voice inside beat you up about things. It hasn't really worked all that well, so why don't you praise yourself every once in a while, instead. Okay.

It has really helped. My daughter even told me how lovely I looked today. Wow! Sweet!

It helped remind me that I can get very critical, not only of myself, but my kids and hubby as well. I am nicer to the dog. Even when he does something wrong, I don't stay mad at him for very long. I tell him "no" and correct him. But, I don't tell him what a nasty dog he is or "how many times do I have to repeat myself?" I do tell him he is dumb and stinks at time, which he is and does. I say that in a very happy voice. My kids always complain, "Mom, why are you saying that, it is so mean?" LOL, it isn't... not because it is true, but because he really doesn't care or understand my words. He hears the tone and how I smell and look.

My son starts school Monday and both my kids will have a full day for the rest of the week. Light and sweet, I am not thinking about any of the possible hassles. I am thinking about having the peace and quiet.

I have friends who have cancer. I hate that because I love them and hate to see them hurt and struggle. I don't want to lose them either or have them lose their loved ones either. I have other friends with constant physical or mental pain or both. I hate that also. I have another dear friend who is going through some major upheavals in his life. I pray for him and talk to him and try to make him laugh. It is all I can do. I really hope it helps.

I read a book that was a semi-autobiography. The author was a woman who is giving advice to her grown kids. The one thing that struck me the most was she admitted one of the best things she had ever done was done at her most spiteful and pettiest moment. She had the company she worked for donate books to a different place than it did before. Why? Because she could change it and knew it would really anger somebody she hated. She savored the revenge and forgot about it. She found out much later in life that those books became the cornerstone of a new library and life for woman prisoners. She may have never known, it was only by "accident" that she found out.

Amazing isn't it? You never really know how much you affect others. I am practicing kindness this week to myself and others, especially my nearest and dearest. We shall see how it goes. Thanks for listening as always have a beautiful day. ttyl.

Pretty pond.

I have no rights for this picture, I just think it is beautiful.

Yawn! I am so tired.

I  have slept. It has been around the clock for the most part, I am so tired. Why? I have no idea. I am too tired to really think about it either. When I try to concentrate on anything I start getting my headache back. Ugh.

I have taken a few meds, not very many and nothing strong either. I am already on too many prescription drugs. My diet has been totally sabotaged, by me. I have been eating/craving high carbohydrates and sugars, bread, marshmallows, granola bars, iced oatmeal cookies, and soda. This is getting me sugar "high" for a little bit and then I crash again.

The dog is loving this as he sleeps on me. He has been missing our cuddle time on the couch. Since we moved, I use my computer at the kitchen table. This has helped straighten out my posture and alleviated the strain on my shoulder and knee. I haven't been to physical therapy in months and I still feel great with that. Jack the puppy isn't as happy.

It doesn't seem to matter how much sleep I actually get. I am hoping this cycle ends very soon. I am tired of it already. Yes, that was meant to be funny. My husband hasn't complained yet, but the kids are very worried. I'll be okay, it just has to play through, I think.

The kids will be starting school the week after next. I didn't want to put my daughter back into a regular  public school, but I am out of options. The one bonus is my son will be in the same school, so he can tell me what really happens. Hopefully.

I am terrible about calling people, but I have tried for my daughter's sake. Not very many people know what Asperger's is and even fewer are willing or able to work with it. The hard part is my daughter looks completely normal. Her clothes may be a little weird and her face is broken out but, she looks like a typical teen-ager. So when she talks or does some of her different mannerisms, it tends to trip people out. They don't know how to react to her and she can't help them either. It is all very awkward.

I am still smoke-free though it is harder when you live with a smoker. He smokes outside and not in the car, but it is difficult. I still have cravings. I have to talk myself out of them. I still refuse to buy him any. It makes it too easy for me to add my own brand. My kids would be crushed if I did. Which helps me, but isn't the reason I quit. I quit because it was doing me more harm than good. What I was getting out of it was mostly all psychological. I can do better without.

It is nice to breathe again. No coughing or wheezing, and no odors.. I have also lost that sense of panic. Where are my smokes?, Where is my lighter?, Whataya mean I can't smoke here?, etc. It is all gone, poof! I find that part of it so relaxing, the fact that it is saving me a small fortune is just extra-sweet.

If my energy level continues at this rate I will see a doctor or something. I really don't think it is that serious, yet. I just have to take my time and work through it the best way I can. We all have our highs and lows. Mine were always a bit more dramatic. I am thankful that I am finally mellowing out. Maturity? At my age. Oh my! LOL.

I have mentioned before that with addiction, the theory is that you go back to the age you started. For me and cigarettes we are talking back to 13-14 years old and resolving the emotional debris I didn't face at the time. The nice part now is the hormones are way more balanced.  I, also, have years of being myself and can look back and say this is really silly or  totally whacked. And then move forward...

This was me in my early 20's, I was still overweight but would love to get back to that , my daughter says I look like a "nerd" 

Thanks for listening, I am going back to bed. I may just be making up for the insomnia I had for the last five or so years. Y-A-W-N. I hope you all have a great week and learn something new every day. TTYAL.

"I am barely breathing.."

I am not sure what has been going on. I know or realize I am in a strange hibernation mode. I have shut down except for bare essentials. Why? Good question.

My trip was marvelous, awesome, terrifying and an eye-opener all at once. I had a better time at the reunion then I expected, in the sense that large groups of people usually scare the crap out of me. I am not a "small talker". I tend to get all flustered. I didn't as much this time. It was beautiful seeing dear friends. The emotional feedback did get a bit too high. The facebook and blog people were surreal. I have fans? Really? Oh my.

I had a great morning with friends who were so funny, we were all practically crying. I am so happy for my high school friends who managed to hook up with folks that are just as amazing as they are. I did have to leave and be by myself for a while. Too many memories, good and bad were crashing into my brain. My hubby was willing to spring for a hotel. I opted to run away. I drove on up to my sister's new place. The first night was magical as we shared love and tears over certain memories and people. The second night I was ready to go, I made it back to my girlfriends house in WI and just sat back and relaxed. Whew!

I had a list of people I was going to see and talk too, and missed out on. I realized that by not trying to bother people with definite plans of where I was staying and when, I actually inconvenienced them more. errgh. That wasn't my intention. There was also quite a few people at the reunion that I didn't talk to much or get a chance to meet. There was a lot of people there. I was also sadly hung over from my first night in WI. I thought (mistakenly) that my tolerance had increased. Nope.

I ended up getting lost on roads about five times. The bonus is that I figured it out without going to far out of my way. I have such a lousy sense of direction. Yes, I could have gotten the GPS with the car rental. They charge a small fortune for it. I was glad I printed out directions to places before I left. A lifesaver for me, as it helps point me in the right direction. I love compass headings in cars.

Now I have been back and I have been oversleeping and just exhausted. Today I forced myself to shower and dress. I also got some phone calls and shopping done, instead of sitting on the internet all day. My whole little family went out for dinner tonight. It was fun. I already have plans for tomorrow. I have so many things I want to accomplish and do. This trip bolstered me up in so many ways. I did go and it was great. I also have opened my eyes and seen that I have been neglecting myself.

I hate being overweight. I do.

The next step is to do something about it. This is my next project and one I keep having to return to. Enough for today, I am so grateful for all my friends, they are the best.

Without ever knowing the way..

I wish I knew anything. Today I feel so lost and a bit clueless. I am trying to process this whole past week. I feel a lot like the creek that ran way down the street by my house. The rickety old bridge has been long gone, they replaced it with a highway concrete girder with no soul. I went down there as a kid to play. There was always a sense of danger about it, no matter what time of day or night.

The road was all downhill, and got incredibly steeper the lower you went. The last section made it impossible to brake on a bike without a major catastrophe. You flew on the asphalt and then hit the wooden bridge that rattled and moved. It was a living entity and always reacted. The loose weather-beaten boards would thump and groan in their rusty metal shackles. Flying so fast across the bridge, feeling the wind, hearing the thunks of the wheel and seeing the gaps below and the greenery all around, you were so alive. Then, if you timed it properly you could swerve and spray a bit of gravel at the edge of the road.

The rough stone walls at the end of the bridge was where you threw your bike, you had to be able to risk a bit of a jump down and then you could see the creek and underside of the bridge. At this point you could see very shallow water hurrying across the rocks. Just a bit farther ahead and back it was deeper, treacherous and polluted. You could see where somebody had dumped a washing machine, it was half sunk. There were stepping stones across but you had to be very careful. They were tricky and not always reliable. You would only get wet up to your ankles or maybe a bit more, because you weren't technically supposed to be there.

Nobody I knew ever asked permission to play down by the creek. We just went, and tried to not get too wet or too muddy. Parenting was different then, we were gone all day and encouraged to do so. Our parents knew we were idiots at times and while they didn't outright forbid the bridge or creek, they weren't thrilled about it. The admonition that circled in everybody's head was, "whatever you do, don't drink the water."

There was never any fish that I knew of, and while there might have been toads or turtles, I don't remember seeing any. Everybody had caught crawdads at one point. They were slimy and black, and non-edible, you threw them back without touching them. Nothing from the creek area could be trusted. It was the run-off from the town, the properties and farms along the way. The people that had houses down low were often flooded when the creek ran too high from rain or snow melt in spring. The water was clear at points, and then muddy, there were pools and sometimes whirlpools. It often was tinged green, and smelled weird at times. If you looked at the right angle you could see the rainbow sludge from diesel fuel and other mystery ingredients.

You never knew if there might be other people there, which could be touchy. For the most part the Catholic kids didn't play with the rest of us public school kids, even though we rode the same buses. There might be older kids and they could be mean, or doing things we weren't supposed to see or know about. Usually, though the bridge was ours, it was fun. The hardest part was getting back up the wall and then riding your bike back up the very steep hill. It was physically exhausting, and walking your bike was "cheating" You could make it to the first turn road or go on up to the next level one. That was more "our" area.

Later in life as a very messed up, stressed out teen I would walk at night to the new bridge. They had dredged it out and made the creek deeper and dirtier. It ran faster. I was often out walking in winter in the snow and ice. It was cold and I would huddle up against the concrete wall and have cigarette after cigarette, or if I was really lucky, a joint. Smoking when it was so cold that the air seemed to freeze in your lungs was intoxicating. I tried to hallucinate, and always would imagine what the original Indians would have thought of our creek. I was pretty darn sure they would have been pissed.

Right now I am at a bridge in so many parts of my life, from the past to the present. I am not at home but went to my reunion. It was great and my friends were so fun and sweet. I couldn't stay as long as I was going too. It got very overwhelming to me. I did not go down to the creek, though I could have. I didn't want to see it. I went up to my sister's new house and spent time with her. She bought me chocolates which I might share with my kids. lol.

I am not sure what I am going back too, I feel muddled and a little polluted. I did get very sick at two different times in different ways.. I reminded myself why I shouldn't drink alcohol. I also knew my digestive track was going to be grouchy. Erg. Very bad food choices, only one healthy meal and way too much soda and coffee are not good combinations.

My friends, alumni, family were all monumental. In that part, I feel so blessed to have so many wonderful people that I have known or met. I needed this trip, it has opened my eyes in so many ways. I am still not who or where I want to be. I wish I wasn't so tired and that the things I need to do aren't so difficult. I do have to face up to it and move on up.

Thanks for listening, TTYAL.

I own no rights to the above song or lyrics.