Without ever knowing the way..

I wish I knew anything. Today I feel so lost and a bit clueless. I am trying to process this whole past week. I feel a lot like the creek that ran way down the street by my house. The rickety old bridge has been long gone, they replaced it with a highway concrete girder with no soul. I went down there as a kid to play. There was always a sense of danger about it, no matter what time of day or night.

The road was all downhill, and got incredibly steeper the lower you went. The last section made it impossible to brake on a bike without a major catastrophe. You flew on the asphalt and then hit the wooden bridge that rattled and moved. It was a living entity and always reacted. The loose weather-beaten boards would thump and groan in their rusty metal shackles. Flying so fast across the bridge, feeling the wind, hearing the thunks of the wheel and seeing the gaps below and the greenery all around, you were so alive. Then, if you timed it properly you could swerve and spray a bit of gravel at the edge of the road.

The rough stone walls at the end of the bridge was where you threw your bike, you had to be able to risk a bit of a jump down and then you could see the creek and underside of the bridge. At this point you could see very shallow water hurrying across the rocks. Just a bit farther ahead and back it was deeper, treacherous and polluted. You could see where somebody had dumped a washing machine, it was half sunk. There were stepping stones across but you had to be very careful. They were tricky and not always reliable. You would only get wet up to your ankles or maybe a bit more, because you weren't technically supposed to be there.

Nobody I knew ever asked permission to play down by the creek. We just went, and tried to not get too wet or too muddy. Parenting was different then, we were gone all day and encouraged to do so. Our parents knew we were idiots at times and while they didn't outright forbid the bridge or creek, they weren't thrilled about it. The admonition that circled in everybody's head was, "whatever you do, don't drink the water."

There was never any fish that I knew of, and while there might have been toads or turtles, I don't remember seeing any. Everybody had caught crawdads at one point. They were slimy and black, and non-edible, you threw them back without touching them. Nothing from the creek area could be trusted. It was the run-off from the town, the properties and farms along the way. The people that had houses down low were often flooded when the creek ran too high from rain or snow melt in spring. The water was clear at points, and then muddy, there were pools and sometimes whirlpools. It often was tinged green, and smelled weird at times. If you looked at the right angle you could see the rainbow sludge from diesel fuel and other mystery ingredients.

You never knew if there might be other people there, which could be touchy. For the most part the Catholic kids didn't play with the rest of us public school kids, even though we rode the same buses. There might be older kids and they could be mean, or doing things we weren't supposed to see or know about. Usually, though the bridge was ours, it was fun. The hardest part was getting back up the wall and then riding your bike back up the very steep hill. It was physically exhausting, and walking your bike was "cheating" You could make it to the first turn road or go on up to the next level one. That was more "our" area.

Later in life as a very messed up, stressed out teen I would walk at night to the new bridge. They had dredged it out and made the creek deeper and dirtier. It ran faster. I was often out walking in winter in the snow and ice. It was cold and I would huddle up against the concrete wall and have cigarette after cigarette, or if I was really lucky, a joint. Smoking when it was so cold that the air seemed to freeze in your lungs was intoxicating. I tried to hallucinate, and always would imagine what the original Indians would have thought of our creek. I was pretty darn sure they would have been pissed.

Right now I am at a bridge in so many parts of my life, from the past to the present. I am not at home but went to my reunion. It was great and my friends were so fun and sweet. I couldn't stay as long as I was going too. It got very overwhelming to me. I did not go down to the creek, though I could have. I didn't want to see it. I went up to my sister's new house and spent time with her. She bought me chocolates which I might share with my kids. lol.

I am not sure what I am going back too, I feel muddled and a little polluted. I did get very sick at two different times in different ways.. I reminded myself why I shouldn't drink alcohol. I also knew my digestive track was going to be grouchy. Erg. Very bad food choices, only one healthy meal and way too much soda and coffee are not good combinations.

My friends, alumni, family were all monumental. In that part, I feel so blessed to have so many wonderful people that I have known or met. I needed this trip, it has opened my eyes in so many ways. I am still not who or where I want to be. I wish I wasn't so tired and that the things I need to do aren't so difficult. I do have to face up to it and move on up.

Thanks for listening, TTYAL.

I own no rights to the above song or lyrics.